Thursday, December 1, 2011

Not Feeling So Merry

Other babyloss parents will tell you that the holiday season isn't easy. Thanksgiving was tough but we made it through. The hardest part for me (other than people constantly calling AJ "the baby") was being so far away that I couldn't go see Ryan. My sister asked me if I wanted her to go. I jumped at the chance. She, her husband and my nephew went and spent a little bit of time with Ryan on Thanksgiving. She even was able to Skype with me while she was there so I could "be" there too. It meant the world to me.

Decorating was hard for me. In fact, it's still not really done and I just don't have the desire to finish it. We put up the tree and at one point I stood back and watched as Nick showed AJ how to hang an ornament. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. There's a piece missing. It should have been that exact scene but I should have been sitting with our 6 week old. Instead we're hanging ornaments with his name on it and we're making a stocking to hang knowing that he's never going to be here to see if there's anything in it. I honestly don't know if we didn't have AJ if I would have decorated at all.

It's such a strange place to be. I want to be so excited for AJ, and most of the time I am, but then on the other hand I'm so sad for what we're missing. I feel like I need to be two different people.

My sister got Ryan a little Christmas tree. She even decorated it with lights and a couple of ornaments. My mom bought him his "first Christmas" ornament for our tree. My BIL and SIL also got us a beautiful ornament with Ryan's name on it. I got a cute little Santa ornament and wrote his name on it. Seeing his name always makes me smile. We picked out a toy we would have gotten for Ryan and donated it. I think these things will help me get through this month.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I love you with all my heart and I always will.

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