Friday, September 28, 2012

Face 2 Face in the news

Never in a million years did I think Face 2 Face Rochester was going to take off like it has. Everyone has been SO receptive of the group, it's really amazing.

We've had people pass along our information to others. Word is spreading like wildfire. In that same thought I figured why not contact some of the local media outlets and see if they'd be interested in telling our story and help to spread the word.

I sent three emails. One was to my town's local paper. One was to our local ABC affiliate and one was to the main Rochester newspaper. I got responses from all of them. And almost immediately.

The article in our local town paper was wonderful. We had a teaser on the front page. The article was very well written and we've received feedback and have been contacted because of it.

For the ABC interview I emailed one of the morning anchors. I knew her daughter was born with a very serious form of a defect. I also knew that she was involved with the March of Dimes just like we are. Who better to send the email to! I received a response right away. I was hoping for a taped interview or just a mention on air. Nope. She did better than that. She offered us to come in for a LIVE interview. I just about fell off of my chair when I read that. Me and Hayden's mom went in and did the interview. (Ethan's mom was still on bed rest with Ethan's little sister Emma at the time). It was wonderful.

Our "big" Rochester paper was a little harder to get in touch with. I had to send two emails. LOL. We were lucky that one of the reporters was working on a series about infant mortality in Monroe County. He jumped at the chance to talk to us. We figured we would be featured but can you imagine our surprise to see ourselves on the FRONT PAGE of the Sunday paper?!

The Perinatal Network of Monroe County contacted us and added us to their website's list of resources and even put us "in the spotlight" on the home page of their website. They've also invited us to their quarterly meetings to be more involved.

We've reached over 70 "likes" on our Facebook page too. The need for this was obviously there. We all knew that. I'm so glad people are taking it so seriously and have been putting us to work!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Baby Boom

I'm going to start off by saying this post really isn't for anyone but me. It's going to be raw feelings not meant to hurt or offend anyone. I've gone back and forth for weeks about how to write this, if I should write this. Bottom line -- it's my blog and it's here to help me so I'm going to write this post how I started on this no one else is reading it.

You know when you want something so bad that's all you can focus on? You're interested in something and that's all you seem to notice? I'm surrounded. There's been a baby boom around me. New babies have arrived or will shortly, new pregnancies too. It seems to be everywhere. For everyone. Everyone but me.

I feel like I've been waiting to have a baby for 18 months now. We found out we were pregnant with Ryan in January 2011. And yes, I did have a baby. He will always be my baby. But I'm still waiting to have that child in my arms. I'm waiting to have the child that I can physically mother.

We've been trying for 10 months. I know people must be wondering and no we weren't going to say anything to anyone because honestly it's stressful enough -- I don't need the added stress of people asking if it's happened yet. And really, when it does finally happen I'm not sure we'll tell people then either.

I know it will happen but my patience is wearing thin. Yes it took 13 months to conceive AJ but it was also first shot for Ryan. There's really no rhyme or reason. But now I'm also down an ovary and tube.

I'm frustrated with it all. I'm pissed off. After going though a loss like ours shouldn't we be given a freakin' pass? Why make it so damn difficult.

I'm so happy for everyone. Every baby and pregnancy is a blessing. I've been blessed twice and I have two amazing children but I'm going to be greedy and want one more. I want AJ to have that sibling here with him. I want to see him interact with our baby like he does with others. I want him to wear that big brother shirt to the hospital when he comes to meet him or her for the first time. I want the "normal" delivery and recovery that so many people have. I want to stop wanting. I want to stop being that person. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. I'd like to hear someone's good news and smile without the tears. I'd really like it to be us with that good news again.

Today was Ryan's due date a year ago. It's one of those dates that will always stick out on the calendar to me. We should have a one year old running around. Instead we have a sweet boy who I've been missing for one year, four months and five days.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Up and Down

What a day. It started off crappy. The morning was just rough. I had plans with a friend to meet at the mall and that seemed to help get my out of my funk. AJ was very well behaved while we were there.

On the way home AJ fell asleep in the car. I thought this would be a good time to go see Ryan. I was almost home so I decided to stop and pick up the little moose we got for Ryan on our trip to Toronto earlier in the week. I ran in the house quick and grabbed the moose and drove to the cemetery. AJ was still sleeping until I put the car in park. So we both get out and as I get to Ryan's stone I start taking my usual inventory of his things. Something was missing. My heart sank. His little blue puppy was gone. The puppy that had been there since May 26, 2011 that Cole gave to him. The puppy that when I went to visit on my own I would sit with and rub his ears while I talked to Ryan. We searched the whole section -- even the bushes and the garbage. Nothing. I checked the lost and found. Nothing. I can't tell you how hard I cried when I got home. Every time something of his goes missing it's like I'm grieving all over again. I can't physically mother my son, I can only mother his grave and someone is messing with it. It pisses me off beyond belief. My lack of control with this sends me into a rage. We spend time picking out the little things that are "just right". They may seem like a $4 souvenir but we picked it especially for him. Things have gone missing before but I'm having a really hard time with the puppy missing. Tomorrow I'm going back and I'm bringing the statue that we have there home. I hate that I have to do it -- it's been there since the week we buried him -- but I can't stand the thought of going there one day and it not be there. The bottom line is I shouldn't have to worry about anything going missing.

After my hysterics I had to get ready to go to the Nurse of the Year event. Lauren was nominated and I also nominated Dawn (our fantastic ob nurse the night Ryan was born). We had a lot of fun. This was the first time I got to see Dawn since that night. It felt so good to be able to say "thank you" in person. She really seemed to appreciate it.

I'm exhausted to say the least. I've got more things to update about (the Face 2 Face group tv interview, newspaper articles and such) but that's for another day.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

11 years - We will never forget

I can't believe it's 11 years. I can remember 9/11/01 so clearly. I was in class at Molloy. The class was in the basement and I had been at school for a while having had a class before that one. A woman came in and said she heard a report on the radio that a plane hit the World Trade Center. My first thought was "how do you hit a freakin building?" But I was thinking it was a small plane. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be a commercial airliner.

Class ended and as we made our way upstairs there was a tv in the fishbowl (the room was a lounge with the majority of the walls being glass) People were standing around watching. I caught a glimpse of the picture on the tv. There was smoke pouring out of the building. This was no small plane crash. I went inside the room and I remember staring at the screen trying to figure out what angle they were looking at the building. I couldn't see the other tower. Just as that thought crossed my mind the second tower collapsed.

I stood there in disbelief. My thoughts were all over the place. I remember a girl in the room screaming as the tower went down. Her dad worked in the tower. She just kept yelling for him. Then all of a sudden it hit me. My dad works down there. He was there for the '93 bombings and now he was there for this. I can remember saying something to one of my professors about my dad and then I left to go home.

The drive home was surreal. I don't really remember much of it. I wasn't paying attention really. There weren't many cars on the road and I can remember looking at the sky and not seeing any planes. Living only miles from JFK airport you could almost always look up and see one.

I got home and turned on the tv. I checked the answering machine. There was a message from my dad. He was getting out of there. It was hours before we heard anything else about where he was.

We got a call later that day. He made it home safe and sound.

As the days passed we learned of people who didn't make it home. Three firefighters from our town and others who worked in the towers.

I thought a lot about the girl in the fishbowl and wondered if she was as lucky as we were. My dad made it home.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Finding comfort in the strangest things

So you know by now that one thing that reminds me of Ryan are bunnies. We have them in our backyard and I could sit there for hours just watching them. Whenever I see one it makes me think of him.

A few weeks ago I went to visit Ryan and there was something on his stone. I wasn't sure what it was at first. Upon further inspection (but not too close!) I realized what it was. Poop. Rabbit poop to be exact. It made me laugh. It wasn't the bunny but I knew he was there.

Today we went to see Ryan and as I knelt down to brush off his stone there it was again. More poop. I giggled and showed Nick. We looked around and it was only at Ryan's stone.

Never in a million years did I think rabbit poop would make me smile but it's just one of those things that make me think of him and let me know that he's thinking of us too.

We've got some big things happening for the Face 2 Face group. The Perinatal Network of Monroe County contacted us after a social worker from Strong gave them our info. They're going to get us listed on their website and include us on mailings and their meetings as well. This is huge. We'll know what's going on in the community and what the current needs are. We'll get to know about other programs and resources and we'll be able to give our input.

We also contacted the Democrat & Chronicle and will be meeting with a reporter some time this week. He's currently working on a whole project about infant mortality and was very interested in speaking with us.

We're also going to have the chance to do a live tv interview with our local ABC affiliate. We contacted one of the anchors for the mornings and she said they would love for us to come in and do a 4 minute interview with them!

We found out that this week the article that was in my town's local paper was also in another two towns in the area.

Because of all of this exposure we've gotten a few more referrals and phone calls and as a result will have a few new people at our next meeting. I'm sad that it has to grow but I'm thankful that people are reaching out and giving us a shot.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

We made the paper!

I have to admit I was a little nervous about the article for the local paper. No offense to the writer but he was young with no children. I wasn't sure he was going to "get it". He asked good questions though.

The article was printed in Thursdays edition of my town's local paper and another town. Next week if there's room it'll run in another. In my town's edition we even had a teaser on the front page. It was awesome.

The article was very well written. It had a ton of quotes from me, Hayden's mom and Lander's mom. Since the article has come out our facebook page has 10 new "likes".

I am so proud of our group. I'm proud that all of our members were excited about it and that we all love getting together. I'm proud of how welcoming everyone is to new members. I can't even begin to explain how happy it makes me to think that all of our kids are looking down and are proud of us. That is the best part of all.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.