Thursday, December 29, 2011


For a while now I've been saying I just want this year to be over. There has been so much pain and heartache. Now that we're only 2 days away until 2012 I'm having trouble letting this year go. I'm hoping next year will be a healthier and happier one but at the same time I feel like turning that calendar to a new year puts me farther away from Ryan. I guess it's a new chapter of sorts and I don't like it. It's been 7 months but once it's 2012 it'll be "last year". That sounds and feels like a lifetime.

I think the little baby boom that's happened around us lately has been sending my mind into overdrive. I've been having more flashbacks and have been thinking about the night Ryan was born a lot more lately. Today we were in a store and I saw a display of the small decorative flags like we have at Ryan's grave. I went through them all looking for a cute one for a holiday or occasion I didn't already have one for. Then we looked around the rest of the store and I found a few other little things for Ryan. I started to cry. I realized that the items I was getting weren't really for Ryan, they're for help me feel better. All I can do is decorate his grave and make it look nice. I can't go into a store and buy him a cute little outfit to wear. I can't buy the toy that I think he'd love. Instead I buy things for his grave and anything I see with his name on it. I sleep with his blanket and teddy bear to feel closer to him. I pull out the box with his pictures and trinkets in it. I usually sit there and cry missing him so badly.

I'm not really sure where this post is going...I just needed to write get some of this out.

I love you and miss you my sweet boy. Forever and a day.

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