Monday, November 25, 2013

Day after tomorrow

The day after tomorrow will be Cameron's birthday, unless he has other plans. But, I've already told him he missed the boat to come early. Dr. F isn't working at the hospital till Wednesday when she's there to deliver him so he just needs to wait it out.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of being pregnant. The kicks and the squirms. I'm also so ready to have him here. (and getting his little butt out from where my gall bladder used to be). His room is 98% done. Our hospital bag is packed. There is baby gear all over the house and we even put up the Christmas tree yesterday.

Speaking of Christmas...we stopped at the mall yesterday. I forgot that Santa was there already (and had been for the last 3 weeks?!) AJ was excited to go say hi. What a change from past years. So we got in line and he waited patiently. Finally it was his turn. He went right over and hopped on his lap. He told Santa what he wants for Christmas. Santa asked if we were taking a picture today. We told him we'd be back in a few weeks after little brother Cameron was here. Santa asked when I was due. When we answered Wednesday he replied "An early Christmas present for you!" You have no idea Santa...

Tomorrow will be a day of last minute things to get done. It'll also be one last trip to see Ryan for a little bit. I think that's probably what's making me so anxious. Winter is hard as it is but to add in the craziness that comes with a new baby it's going to be tough. And I know people say "you can talk to Ryan anywhere". I'm not looking for comments to make me feel better. The cemetery is my place to go to feel close to him. I talk and make sure everything is as it should be. It's the one place I feel like I can physically take care of him.

Missing you tons, sweet boy. Thanks for all of the signs lately. They've helped more than you will ever know.

Love you. Forever and a day.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

A season full of rainbows

When I first started looking for people to connect with after Ryan was born I turned to the internet. After being painfully unsuccessful trying to find someone to talk to in person it was the next best option. Thank God for the on-line groups I found. I so badly needed and wanted to hear someone say "me too". I needed to know that everything that I was feeling was "normal" and I wasn't losing my mind on top of everything that had already happened.

When you join any kind of new on-line community there's often new terminology to learn. They're either abbreviations to make typing faster and easier or new terms for things that you may not have heard before joining.

This was the case for me when I joined pregnancy loss groups. I kept hearing people referring to "rainbows" or "rainbow babies". I had never heard that term before. Here's the definition from

 A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. (or infant loss)
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

In the F2F group we're in a season of rainbows. There are 5 or 6 of us who have either had their rainbow baby in the last couple of months or who are pregnant. A little baby boom!

Yesterday a good friend had her rainbow and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. We've gone through our pregnancies together, which has saved my sanity many days. I can't find the words to describe what it's like to see the smiles on the parent's faces. I spent a good bit of yesterday just staring at those pictures. You can see so many emotions in just one photo. It's really amazing. I can't wait to get to meet baby V. After all she could be my future daughter-in-law ;) We've already got plans for Cameron! Ha! Who wouldn't want K&T as in-laws?!

Can't wait to meet the rest of the rainbows and I hope everyone in the group gets to experience it. If anyone deserves it it's these women. <3

Edited to add: And I don't think it's any coincidence that just as I hit "post" the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" came on Pandora.

Friday, November 1, 2013


November is here. It seemed so very far away in the beginning of the pregnancy. But here we are. We made it. We had a few minor bumps along the way but as of today we are 26 days away from meeting Cameron.

I've been nesting like crazy lately. I was cleaning the other day and AJ asked me who was coming over. Yes I go cleaning crazy when people are coming to visit but I swear I clean in the in between too!

We've been working on Cameron's room. You might think it's easy to decorate and just put up furniture. Some days it is. Other days I feel like it's a jinx - like if I do too much something is going to go wrong. I was hesitant to have Nick put the crib together. It sat idle in the room after Ryan was born. A big reminder of what should have been. Just like the double stroller that we had. That stroller haunted me but I hope that the family who bought it is getting use out of it.

My mom was nice enough to buy us the new double stroller we picked for AJ and Cameron. I still get a little panicked some days when I look at the box in the garage but it's getting better. Every day we get closer to having 2 of the boys in it.

AJ has been a big help getting the room together. He loves helping Nick work with his tools. He immediately runs to his playroom to get his tools and hard hat and goggles. It's pretty stinking cute. He's getting excited to meet his new baby brother. (He asked me the other day how Cameron was going to get out of my belly b/c I don't have a door. Ha!)  Every time we see a baby in a store he "oohs and ahhs". When we meet up with his friends for bowling every week he's always sure to go over and play with B's baby brother. He loves nothing more than making him smile.

I can't wait for AJ to get to come in to my hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time. I made him a new "big brother" t-shirt. And I think we're going to give the one he wore to announce my pregnancy with Ryan to Ryan. We'll hang it on his flagpole. He deserves to "wear" the shirt just as much as AJ does. I still wish we would have had just once picture of AJ and Ryan together. I know he was so young but it's a family picture we won't ever get to have.

It's going to be one emotional day to say the least -- and I can't wait.