Monday, December 19, 2011

Silent Night

After Ryan was born I would have flashbacks about the night he was born. It was like I was reliving it all over again. It would stop me in my tracks and I could feel the tightness in my chest. My therapist said it was PTSD. It started to happen less and less as time went on. Before tonight I can't remember the last time it happened.

I'm not sure what triggered it tonight. I was walking to put some of my chocolate supplies away. Was it because I was in and out of the room that Ryan should be sleeping in right now? Is it because Christmas is less than a week away? Is it just something that happened because I miss him every single minute of every single day? I don't know.

I was walking down the hallway when all of a sudden it hit me. I could hear myself crying that night. The sobs that I cried after the doctor said that there was no fluid around him and that I was going to deliver. It's hard to shake the sadness once it happens. I'm hoping some sleep will help and that tomorrow will be a new day.

As I've been sitting here thinking about that night one thing struck me. I never really thought about how quiet the room was. I had just had my second child but there wasn't the cry a new mother longs to hear. I can remember the nurses by the isolette talking quietly so I wouldn't hear what they were saying about Ryan. I remember laying there in disbelief and the silence was deafening. The only cry I heard was my own...not unlike many of the days since that night.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I love with all of my heart, forever and a day.

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