Wednesday, February 29, 2012


I read this article today. Faces of Loss posted the link.

I've had to sit on this for a while to try and compose my thoughts on this. The post that would have come out of the initial reaction would not have been pretty.

I remember watching a news story where "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" was featured. This was before I had children. I remember thinking about those moms and wondering why they would want pictures of their children after they had passed. Why would you want to remember them that way?

Fast forward to May 21, 2011. I just gave birth to my second son. I knew our time was going to be limited and I would have given anything to have someone come to take pictures with us. I thought about it for a second and then again thought "do I want to remember Ryan like this?" After a little while we did see if the hospital had a camera that we could use. They didn't so we never took any photos while we were there. It just didn't seem right to me to take those pictures on Nick's cell phone.

We did take a few pictures of us holding Ryan and his tiny hand in ours. We have the "newborn" photo that the hospital took. That's the only one where you can see his precious little face. We have a collage that a friend made for us of some of these photos on the mantel in the living room. The picture of just Ryan is on my nightstand. I've gone back and forth so many times about putting it out in the living room with the others. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but on the other hand why should I feel like I can't put up my son's photo in my own house?!

The author of this article didn't do her research. Not all babies born after 20 weeks are stillborn. Ryan was born alive and lived for 55 minutes. And even if that child is stillborn they are STILL BORN.

I don't know a woman who has gotten a positive pregnancy test that, from that very moment, doesn't start dreaming of a life for that child. No matter what the gestational age of that child when he/she passes or how that child passes that dream is shattered. I don't think that just because the general population didn't get to meet that child that means that child didn't "exist" or that that child isn't forever a part of that family.

What if Ryan was older when he passed? Should I not have his pictures around? Should I not talk about him anymore? When an older person dies you can speak of the memories you have -- when a child dies you can only talk about the memories you wish you had. You hold onto hope that your child is living on with others who have passed before them and that one day you'll get to see them again, but until that day you live for them. You try to make a difference. Ryan didn't get to live his life but I'm going to be damn sure to live mine for me and him. I want to make sure when I get to see him again that he's proud of his mama.

People grieve in different ways and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. All I know is that for me, having others speak his name and support us in doing things in his name is the best consolation of all. I will never be "better". I will never be "over this". Ryan passed that night and part of me went with him, that will never change. All I can do is learn to adjust to life without my son and for someone, who I can guess has never experienced such a loss, to say that I shouldn't do these things in my opinion is ignorant.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

9 Months

Today is 9 months since Ryan was born. It hit me hard today. It wasn't even 9am and I had cried twice. It was a rough start but I got through and the day got better.

I'm sitting here writing this post and I'm missing him like crazy again. I still hate the quiet times at night. My mind wanders.

Happy 9 months in heaven sweet boy. I miss you so much it hurts.

I love you with all of my heart. Forever and a day.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A New Angel

Heaven has a new angel. A friend that Nick grew up with lost his 2 year old son yesterday. I don't know the circumstances and I really don't need to. Bottom line is there's another set of parents who had to leave the hospital without their child.

The news shook me to the core. I've never met this family but it doesn't matter. They now belong to a community that no one wants to belong to. Every time I hear of someone else coming into this group it makes me so angry. This isn't the way it supposed to go. That's not the order things are supposed to go in. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't understand why there are so many terrible people out there who get to live and sweet and innocent children are taken away.

I was on facebook today and there are status updates about how crappy today was for some people. I shook my head. They think they're having a bad day, how about those parents? I've been guilty of this too, even after we lost Ryan. I'll complain about something that seems to be so "important" at the moment only to realize that it's not. It's so small in the whole scheme of things.

So when you're bitching about the bad day you've had or the inconveniences of the day just remember someone always has it worse.

To that precious boy and his family, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day


Last year on this day we got our first peek at you. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I already had one bout of illness under my belt and we were blissfully unaware of what was to come.

I remember being so excited to see you on that screen looking like a little gummy bear. I thought about what a great big brother you were going to have. I wondered if you were going to look just like him. I had plans for you baby boy...

I'm missing you so much today.

I love you, sweet boy. Forever and a day.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

What's in a name?

Quite possibly one of the biggest decisions you can have as an adult is picking a name for your child. There's a lot of pressure there! You go through all of the names in the book. You narrow down the list. You make sure you eliminate any that your spouse doesn't like. Then you go through and make sure that there aren't any names that people have ruined for you. You know what I'm talking about...everyone knows someone that they're really not fond of. When you hear that name you automatically think about that person. You definitely can't name your kid that -- even if that's the name you've had picked out since you're 5 years old.

Nick and I thought a lot about Ryan's name. It was on our short list for a while. We made sure all of the Ryans we knew were good people (or well behaved children at my former jobs ;)  ). I love the name. I love hearing people say his name and I love seeing it in random places.

There is a boy that we come across every once in a while named Ryan. This kid is a Tasmanian devil. He runs AJ over at least once every time we see them. His mom is constantly calling his name. And it drives. me. nuts.

I know it's so silly but for some reason it bugs me. It's different hearing Ryan with an annoyed tone to it. Or it being yelled. I don't know...sometimes it's just not the easiest thing to sit and listen to.  It's just one of those things I guess. Welcome to the crazy things that go on in my head...