Monday, March 10, 2014

Catching up

I was told today to "get on that!". It was a nudge to update the blog because it's been quite a while. I've had bits and pieces of posts here or there but nothing so urgent or important to write a whole post about. And honestly if it's the choice of going sleep or blogging, sleep will almost always be the winner right now.

I'm not sure if my fatigue is from still trying to wrangle two kids at home or from some possible PPD. Probably a little bit of both. I've noticed since Cameron was born I've been more emotional than is typical for me. I can tell you that I'm missing Ryan more than ever. I see Cameron smile and I miss him. My mind goes through all the questions I'll never have answers to. Would Ryan have made that same face or have the double swirl like AJ and Cam? Would he look so contently at me and babble like Cam does?

Sometimes it's not the questions that get me. It's the thought that if Ryan were living I'm not sure we would have had Cameron. I look at him smile at me and I can't imagine life without him, just as I can't imagine life with Ryan here. I wonder but I'll never really know.

Today we were at the mall and Nick noticed my former OB. He pointed out "the guy in blue" whose back was towards us. Didn't matter. I knew immediately who it was. My reaction surprised me. My heart started to race. I felt like I didn't know if I wanted to run toward him and scream or run the other way in fear. It annoys me that he still causes that type of reaction more than two and a half years later. I guess my therapist was right when she said it was PTSD.  Fucking douche. I can still hear him telling me "we need to wean you from worrying". I can't describe the anger it causes. Enough about that ass. He doesn't deserve the 3 lines I've spent on him.

Today I had a meeting with a couple of people for F2F. Whenever we meet out in public we try to find a quiet corner to sit for two reasons. 1) so we can all feel comfortable and not cry in the middle of a packed restaurant (although if that's the only option we make it work!) and 2) so the poor unsuspecting patrons who are just out to have a quick bite to eat don't have to hear our conversation, because let's face it -- who wants to hear about infant death over their chicken noodle soup? So when I got to the restaurant I thought I picked a good spot. It was away from the massive table in the middle of the main dining area. There were only a few other tables and booths in the section we were in. There was a pair of ladies in one of the booths. They ate and were getting ready to leave. As one of them walked passed our table she stopped. "I'm so sorry for interrupting but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation" Oh boy, here we go. "Are you a part of a support group? My good friend had a full term stillbirth 4 years ago and still struggles sometimes." Not what I was expecting her to say. We gave her a card to pass along to her friend. She told us how sorry she was for all of our losses, thanked us and apologized again for interrupting. I really believe that was the boys at work. Of all the people we could have sat near in the crowded restaurant?

Cameron is getting big so fast! He's a chatty little guy. He's making all kinds of sounds and has the best smile. He really makes you work to get a laugh out of him but it's so worth it.

How's that for some catching up?  :)