Friday, June 29, 2012

Feeling you

Dear Ryan,

I know you've been around lately. There have been so many signs the last three days. First I saw a new baby bunny chomping on some grass right outside of your garden. He would fit in the palm of my hand, much like you did. He reminded me of the one I saw when I was pregnant with you. That's why I always associate the bunnies with you.

We were all outside the other afternoon and there was this butterfly flying right around us. Then we came in and watched tv and there was a commercial for a business named "Ryan's".

I don't know if there's something you're trying to tell me or if you're just saying a big hello. I love feeling you close but at the same time it makes me miss you more.

Last night I saw that same baby bunny and my heart just ached. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you one more time or feel a kick one more time.

Some nights when I'm missing really badly you my arm physically hurts with emptiness. The arm that should be holding you. It gets so bad that it keeps me awake.

We think about you and talk about you all the time. Thank you for letting me know you're thinking about us too.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Me and AJ have made some friends from our local playgroup. We've been having weekly play dates while the playgroup is on break. It's been a lot of fun for the kids and the moms. I know I enjoy the adult interaction and AJ enjoys seeing his buddies. Today we hosted. We spent the day outside. The moms sitting in the shade under the tree and the kids playing in the little pool. I love watching the kids interact with each other. They can be so funny.

I was always so worried that my lack of friend making abilities would hinder AJ while growing up. I guess I just needed to meet the right people. It's amazing how having kids can help things along.

The same goes for Ryan. I've met some great friends because of Ryan. And the list is growing. We met Lucy's mom and dad after the social worker at the hospital emailed me. We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. We've been emailing back and forth too. I wish they didn't become our friends for the reason they did but I'm glad to know them no matter the reason.

Seeing the kids playing in the yard made me think...I wonder if as we connect with people here, does Ryan connect with them up there? Or maybe it's the other way around?

I wonder if Hayden and Ethan welcomed Ryan and brought us moms together. Or did the boys meet after we did? I guess it really doesn't matter how it happens....but I think it does happen.

This afternoon I was cleaning some things in the kitchen and I was watching two bunnies out the window in the yard. They were playing around all of the toys strewn across the grass. It looked like they were playing tag. One would run towards the other and the second one would jump straight up in the air to get away. It was comical. I wondered if that's what AJ and Ryan would have been like playing together. Would Ryan be chasing after his big brother? Maybe the other way around? AJ loves the little ones...I have a feeling he would have been all over his little bro. I try really hard not to do the "what-ifs or should-have-been" but sometimes it's just so hard. I wish I had the chance to see them together.

I miss you so, so much sweet boy. I love you. Forever and a day.

Ryan's Walk!!

Click here to view these pictures larger

Here are some pictures from the March of Babies Walk. The slideshow is the only way I could get them to post.