Christmas

There have been many days on the calendar that I've wished I could fast forward right through. Ryan's due date, the 21st of any month and Christmas.

I knew it was going to be tough. I didn't imagine the roller coaster I'd be on. The last few days have been a series of ups and downs and everything in between.

We've got a beautiful new addition to our family. Brynn arrived a little before schedule on 12/20. She's a cutie. I was a big ball of emotions hearing the news she was here. I was so glad she was a SHE! So glad that she was here safe and sound. Then I thought about Ryan. This would be the first baby I've held since Ryan. I should be holding Ryan still. I was nervous about seeing Brynn for the first time. I wasn't sure what my reaction would be. It's one of those things that no matter how much I think I can predict what I'll feel or what will happen it's not always so.

It felt so good to hold that little girl. That tiny little one. She fills a tiny piece of that void that I will always have. Holding her brings a calm over me. She's a sweet baby and seems pretty laid back. I like to think that when I'm holding her and she smiles that Ryan is whispering something in her ear.

Christmas eve and Christmas have been very hard. All I could think about was what we're missing. A part of our family is missing and no matter how many ornaments or stockings or trinkets we have Ryan will never be here with us in the way that I want him. I know he's watching but at the holidays that doesn't bring much comfort. The anger typically takes over. 7 months later and I'm still as pissed off as I was at the end of May. I don't know that I'll ever get passed it. Some days it feels like an impossible task.

Today I was trying to cook and get dinner ready. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight, couldn't focus. In the end it all came out ok but I hate that feeling.

Nick and I went to see Ryan this morning. We happened to be there when Ethan's mom and dad went to visit too. I was so glad to run into them. I needed that hug from Ethan's mom in the worst way. I cried my eyes out for a good few minutes and then we left.

We got a phone call when we got home that there was another new addition. Our very good friends welcomed their new baby boy. He came earlier than expected but is healthy and came out screaming according to his mom. I'm so glad that everything is ok with mom and baby and that he too arrived safe and sound.

I had moments of missing Ryan so badly and moments of pure happiness watching AJ play with all of the goodies Santa brought him. I could still hear whispers of people talking in the other room, no doubt they were talking about me/us. I know it's out of concern but I hate that people walk on eggshells when they're around sometimes. I guess that's something I'll have to get used to.

I'm not going to lie, I'm glad Christmas is over. The anticipation was there as usual and the days were hard but we made it through just like we always do and we always will. Thanks to my teammate for always reminding me that we're in this together. I love you.

To those of you who sent a nice message, card or good thought our way, thank you. I appreciate you all so much.

To my sweet boy - I hope that you all had a nice family dinner up there. You've got some great cooks with you and I hope they spoiled you like they used to do to me. I wish you were here. Thank you for watching over Brynn and Evan. I love you with all my heart, forever and a day. <3