I recently got a new cell phone. I've been trying to get it organized and synced. I've been trying to remember what apps I had on my old phone that I need to download to the new one. I've purposely left one off the list. Normally I love seeing what Timehop brings up from years past but during May it's so hard. I don't need an app to remind me of everything that happened 5 years ago. I know. My body knows. My brain knows. Even if it just starts in my subconscious I eventually realize that the funk that has set in is because of where we are in the month.
Last night we had a meeting. Usually being there helps me. I enjoy helping new people and I'm ok hearing their stories. Last night was hard. Really hard. The cloud over me continued today. Its the worst waking up with that feeling. Today is the day we had our 20 week ultrasound with Ryan. It's not something I have marked on a calendar anywhere but without fail every year I remember. We were so excited for that scan. We'd had a bunch up to that point because of how rough the pregnancy was. This was a peek after another hospitalization and MRI. He was always so active so I knew he was ok but getting to see him bouncing on the screen was always my favorite reassurance that whatever was going on with me wasn't effecting him. We had no idea that 10 short days later we'd get another look at him but in a very different way.
Five years is a long time away from your child. None of his birthdays have been easy but this one seems a little harder. I see what personalities AJ and Cameron have and how different they are and wonder where he would fit in. Would he have loved preschool as much as his big brother? Would he have been the class clown? Would he be so excited to get to ride the bus to school in September? Would he be excited for our trip this summer? Would he love trains as much as his brothers? So many questions that will go unanswered. Forever.
Five years already seems like forever.
I miss you with everything I have. That will never change. I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.