Monday, July 29, 2013


Today I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same as I was when we had Ryan. If you want to be technical about it I'm already further along with Cameron than I made it with Ryan. I only got to the "5 days" because it was five minutes after midnight when Ryan was born.

This has been a milestone that has been on my radar since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know why it holds so much weight but it does. I have no reason to believe that there will be any issues during this pregnancy. My doc is watching me closely and everything looks perfect. Today is one of those dates on the calendar that I want to come and go. It brings up so many memories. I've been having flashbacks lately. I'm immediately brought back to the hospital room, to the funeral home, trying to say goodbye to a son after we barely had a chance to say hello.

After Ryan was born I had to find a balance of being a grieving mom. I had to learn how to take care of AJ and grieve Ryan. That is not an easy balance at all but eventually I learned some "tricks" to make it a little easier on myself. Some days it's still very hard but we manage. With this pregnancy I'm trying to find yet another balance. How do I take care of AJ, who is very invested in this pregnancy, continue to honor and miss Ryan and be excited for Cameron's arrival? Some days I can't do it all and the guilt of feeling like I can't give my three boys the attention they all need and deserve is overwhelming.

Thank God for our F2F group. I've got some of the best resources! Moms who have been there or are going through the same thing I am. I don't know where I'd be without their support, their specific "I've been there" kind of support.

Friday, July 5, 2013

The Proud Mama

I am one proud Mama. AJ is (finally!) potty trained. He was totally capable of doing it on his own for quite a while now but he really needed that push to finally get him to do it and stick with it. Nick and I told him no more diapers and that was it. He had two accidents in the first two days and has been (knock on wood) accident free since then.

I can't believe he's going to be starting preschool in September. That's just crazy to me. Yesterday was his half birthday. We officially have a 3.5 year old. A can-be-super-spunky-when-he-wants-to-be 3.5 year old. We never really went through the terrible twos but oh, the three's. They have their moments! Thankfully he always goes back to his loving self. The one who likes to give me raspberries and sing along to the radio and the one who loves to find coins on the ground where ever we go.

And Ryan I know that's you. Or grandma. Or maybe both. I've been a little sad since we moved to the new house. We see tons of "wildlife" --  deer, snakes, turtles and birds but I've yet to see a bunny. I thought for sure with all the green space in our backyard and beyond that there has to be some bunnies. If there are I haven't seen any. But you always find a way to let us know you're around. AJ has found more coins on the ground in the month that we've moved than he has in the last year. And to see his face and how excited he is when he does, it's really something special. I think he's happier finding the pennies than he would be if he found $10. He always immediately shows us and puts it away in his pocket so he can "feed his piggy" when we get back home. And maybe that's they way it should be. Maybe AJ should be getting the "signs" now. Maybe it's his turn to get to know you better -- although when he was little I swore he knew you better than we did. I'm proud of you, sweet boy, proud of you for reaching out to your big brother. But just so you know...I'm not going to stop looking for those bunnies.

Another proud Mama moment isn't just mine. In our F2F group we are all proud Mama's and this last meeting I think gave us all a little boost. We had a few new people attend. We always hate that there are new people who are looking to join the group. It still cuts to the core that another family has experienced a loss but we're always thankful that they've reached out and they can come to get support. All of our Mama's have come such a long way. I can remember many of their first meetings and to now see them offering support to new attendees is something special. One of the new couple's told us that they received a flash drive with 90 pictures on it of their baby girl from the hospital. I think that all made us smile. It was one of the flash drives that F2F donated. Pretty amazing what something so small can do, isn't it?

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.