Friday, September 9, 2011

Wake me up when September ends

Today was awful. It's right up there with one of the worst days in the last three and a half months.

I went in for my pre-op testing this morning. I was the first appointment so I didn't expect it to take too long. It was just bloodwork, chest x-ray and instructions from the nurse. After two and a half hours, having to tell my story again and waiting 40 minutes for a simple x-ray I was done. And I was emotionally drained too.

It took 3 tries to get the bloodwork done. I should have just let them go to the vein I knew would work -- stupid me for wanting to give my poor arm a break. Then I had to go to get a chest x-ray. The woman checking me in commented on my necklace. She asked if it was for my son. I said yes, one of them. She asked how old he was. I told her he would be three and a half months. She looked at me and said "would be?" I replied with a simple yes while looking her straight in the eye. She didn't really say anything after that.

I wanted to cry when I was out of there. My nerves are starting to kick in. Being there made it worse. I so want it to be over and done with but I'm scared out of my mind.

I had a therapy appointment this afternoon too. I cried the whole time. My anger has been really getting to me. I'm sad, yes, but lately I'm more angry than anything. I should be going for a c-section not a different surgery. People should be coming to meet a new baby and helping out, not for this. It shouldn't be this way.

After my appointment I took some time and went to the cemetery. I sat and sobbed the whole time. I finally got myself back in the car and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed and yelled and asked all of the questions that have been plaguing me all these months. I felt a little better. It felt good to get it out.

My day was shot after all of this and it was only 2pm. My whole body hurts like I've been hit by a truck. I'm exhausted. I need the physical issues to be taken care of so I can focus on my emotions. It's too hard trying to balance the two.

I'm praying to God that Friday will be the end of this chapter.

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