Usually when I go to the cemetery I'm alone. I try and go when I have a sitter so I can actually spend my time doing what I want and not chasing AJ around. Today I didn't have that option and really wanted to go.
We get there and I take AJ out of the car and he knows where to go. At first he was trying to grab at Jaiden's toys (the little boy next to Ryan). I sat him down and told him those weren't his to play with. He grabbed the ladybug stick we have there out of the ground. No problem. If it'll keep him occupied it's fine by me.
AJ sat so nicely for a few minutes. I was spending time with my two boys. AJ was starting to get a little fussy so I asked him to give Ryan a kiss. He leans over to the angel statue we have there and gives it a kiss right on the head. Then he goes back to playing with the ladybug. I got a few more minutes out of him. And in those minutes he kept scooting back over and giving kisses to the statue.
As I was watching him my heart was breaking. I was picturing what I had pictured in my mind from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I imagined AJ coming up to the hospital to meet his little brother for the first time. I'd be holding Ryan and he'd come over and give him a kiss on the head. And knowing what a loving boy AJ is, he'd want to do it again and again.
I'm so sad that we won't get to see that. I'm so sad that AJ won't get to know his little brother. He'll know all about him but God how I wish he could have had the chance to get to know him.
The uncertainty of the future is weighing heavy on my mind lately. My appointment is still a week away and I can't stop thinking about the "what-if's" and possibilities.