Thankful

I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell anyone but this has been the hardest year of my life. I sometimes look back and still can't believe all that we've been through. What do I have to be thankful for? From the surface it might not seem like much...but there is.

I'm thankful for my health. The infection that was brewing for all those months could have easily have taken my life.

I'm thankful for the good doctors that I had the second part of the year.

I'm thankful for our family and friends who have been so supportive in every aspect of our lives.

I'm thankful for the social worker at Highland who has helped me in this process and who's allowed me to feel like I've done something to help.

I'm thankful for the on-line and in person groups that I've joined. Those ladies are amazing. (pen-pals included)

I'm beyond thankful for my husband. I know I've said it before but I seriously could not have made it through this year without him. 

I'm thankful for AJ. He makes me smile. Every. Single. Day.

I'm thankful for Ryan. My sweet boy who left too soon. My hero. The little boy who I believe saved me. The one who's made me a better mom for AJ. The one who's pushed me to get changes made. The one who's given me so much inspiration. No one else in this world, in this life will touch me as much as you have.

I'm thankful for a new year. A clean slate of sorts.

Thank you...

Six Months

How is it six months already? It's unbelievable how much has gone on in these six months.

I've been to more doctors and had more tests than I can count. I've had 2 surgeries. We finally got answers as to what happened. Changes have been made. New doctors. Better info for new angel moms. New connections. A new drive. We learned to smile again when I never thought we'd be able to. We've laughed. We've cried, a lot. I became a better mom. I'm a small business owner. We're fundraisers.

One thing that never changes -- I miss Ryan just as much today as I did 184 days ago. I would go through these last six months all over again if I could get a chance to hold Ryan in my arms just one more time. I'd study every inch of him, trying to remember every detail. I'd take more pictures and I wouldn't have let him go that night.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I love you today and always.

Love,
Mom

Included

I've been trying to write this post in my head all day. I was trying to find a way to be thoughtful about how this is all going to sound. At this point I need to just write it and get it out -- I'm not looking for comments about it -- it's just something that I need to say and I need people to hear.

I think about Ryan every single day. He's in my first thoughts in the morning and the last thoughts at night. I know for some people he's just a "name". I imagine it's hard to miss someone you never met. Him not being physically here doesn't mean he doesn't count.

When someone asks me how many children I have I answer 2. Ryan is always included. This was something I struggled with in the beginning -- I never wanted to leave him out and I don't want any of you to leave him out either. If it comes up in conversation how many nephews, grandchildren, cousins, whatever PLEASE include Ryan. I know it's not always easy to talk about what happened -- believe me I know.

If you're not comfortable doing it all the time please try to do it in front of me. I need to know that he counts not only to me but to you too.

My Bad Mommy Day

Yesterday was a bad mommy day. I know we all have them from time to time.

I was watching my nephew yesterday. We (me, AJ and Cole) were outside. We had gotten back from a wagon ride and were playing with chalk. We had been out for about an hour. The boys were both on the porch and I was picking up all the chalk pieces. I turned around just in time to see AJ taking a tumble off the top step and landing on his head right on the concrete. The sound was awful.

I picked AJ up right away and I could see he was bleeding a little. I grabbed Cole and we all went inside. AJ has a nice size bump on his head from where he landed and he's also scraped from the top of his forehead down to the side of his eye.

After washing it off and seeing it was only bleeding from the scrapes he was fine. Literally 2 minutes after it happened he was asking for a snack. He recovered a lot faster than I did. I felt guilty the rest of the day. I was so scared right when it happened. I couldn't take something happening to him.

All of this seemed to screw up the rest of my night. It made me think about Ryan so much. We went to a store and were looking at Christmas decorations when we got to the aisle with all of the "baby's 1st Christmas" stuff. It was like a punch to the gut.

Today will be a better day.

Pictures

Here are our favorite pictures taken the other day. I'm really happy with how these came out. AJ got new shoes for the pictures and he really seems to like them. I think they're adorable. He looks so big to me. How is he almost 2?

We tried to include Ryan in our family picture. The blanket on AJ's lap is Ryan's. You can also see the blue bracelets. We all have them (Nick's is on his other hand).

Here's another one I love. AJ loves to drive. It might just be his favorite thing to do right now. If it's got wheels he'll drive it. This car is normally used for special promotions at the photo studio. Nick saw it and asked our photog if AJ could get a picture taken in it. He then drove it all around the studio while we sat and completed our order.

Look at that smile!

And finally -- my little man.

Picture Day

Today we went and got new family pictures done. We also had some done for AJ's 2nd birthday. I was looking forward to updating the frames in the living room but as today approached and it got closer to the time for our appointment I became more and more sad.

I remember sitting on the couch with Nick while I was pregnant with Ryan and looking at those pictures. "I can't believe there will be 4 of us when we have those done again" There are 4 of us but only 3 are in those new pictures. We gave Ryan a special tribute in them so he could be apart of them too. It was hard taking a picture of me and AJ though. I should have had a child on each hip. It's things like this that still really get me.

I just found this online and wanted to share. It was written about handicapped children but this part seemed to fit us...

When a child is born that will never achieve worldly success, cannot provide the usual source of pride for his parents, all extraneous reasons to love him fall away and what's left is the purest love that there can be. These children are lovable not because of what they do for you, and not because of what they will one day become, but simply because they are.

I love you my sweet boy.

Progress

I've been in contact with one of the Social Workers who work on the L&D floor. I first met her while I was in the hospital after Ryan was born. Then I called on her to help me when I couldn't find a therapist. She was so wonderful throughout those few weeks. After that I thought I would contact her again to see if we could help improve a few things for other parents who will unfortunately travel down this same road. She was so excited to have my input and I was glad to share it.

With her blessing and encouragement I reworked the resource list that they include in their bereavement info. The one that was being used had incomplete and outdated info. There were also so many great resources that weren't included. She had to go through the proper channels, but it was finally approved for use. This week she used it for the first time. It's so incredibly bittersweet. I'm so glad that others will have the info to help them but I'm so sad that the list needs to be used at all. That means another set of parents walking out of that hospital empty handed and broken-hearted.

We're also working on setting up something so we can speak to her boss. They are currently revamping their program for pregnancy/infant loss. We're hoping that hearing my experience will make a difference. Who better to tell you what helped and what didn't than someone who's been there?

I'm also going to write something about Ryan. I've been struggling with this for a bit. What a huge undertaking. I'm so excited to spread his name and have even more people know him but I'm so nervous that what I write won't do him justice. I want to do my boy proud.

I've so enjoyed being involved with all of this. It's given me something to focus on. I've gotten so much out of this...I only hope that the people receiving the new info will get something out of it too.

So to K., thank you for being in my corner. I hope this is just the beginning of progress and I hope this is something I can be involved in for years to come.

Signs

I'm pretty sure we all look for signs from our loved ones who have passed. They may even be there and you don't realize.

As a mother who has lost a child I find myself constantly looking for reassurance that Ryan is ok. In my heart I know he's fine and I know he's got family up there taking good care of him but sometimes it's nice to get a sign just when you need it. It makes this whole process a lot more bearable.

Last night my mom was working at the restaurant. They host a "Psychic Night" from time to time. Last night Theresa Caputo was there. She went around reading the customers for about 3 hours. She read some of my other family who was in attendance but never went to my mom with anything. My mom went up to her after she was done with the patrons.

Mom: Theresa, about my grandson? (that's all she said to her -- nothing was mentioned the whole night about the night Ryan was born)

Theresa: Oh, he's with your mother. She was there for the birth. He went straight from your daughter's arms into your moms.

Mom: Thank you -- and she starts to walk away.

Theresa: She's going to have other children you know.

Amazing. So much validation in such a short conversation. I so needed to hear that. I'm so glad that I'm lucky enough to have gotten that information. It's a huge comfort to know that on a night that was so difficult we had someone there watching and taking care of us.

So to my Grandma -- thank you for taking such good care of my sweet boy. I knew you would.

And to Ryan -- I hope she spoils you like she did me -- and be a good boy. I love you.