Loss

It's funny how something so simple and innocent can send your day in a totally different direction than it was originally going.

Yesterday was a pretty nice day weather wise. AJ and I did a few things around the house, we dropped off an order from Little Dipper and after lunch I decided we would go to the cemetery. I'm trying to squeeze in as much time as I can while the weather isn't too cold and before the hours change.

We're in the cemetery driving to the section and I see something running on the open space to my left. Someone is across the road moving towards it. I think it's a dog. I'm figuring they had the dog in the car and it got out and now they're trying to catch it. I slow down as I get closer. I realize it's not a dog...it's a deer. This deer was having a good ole time running and prancing around. It was quite a sight. Unexpected to say the least, especially that it was two in the afternoon.

We get to the section and I take AJ out of the car. He walks right to Ryan's grave. He knows exactly where it is. Then some trucks catch his eye in the next row. Usually he makes his rounds to see all of the different toys but this time he kept bringing them over to Ryan's stone, as if he was showing his brother the trucks. Then he went and put them back (in the right spot!) and went and got something else from another place and did the same thing. I guess, in a way, he was playing with his brother.

We spent some time and then decided it was time to go. We turned out of the cemetery and I always blow one last kiss to Ryan as we pass the section from the road. AJ saw me do it and blew two kisses. Then he says "bye Ryan". Well, that was it for me. It's a good thing there weren't many cars around because I couldn't see very well through the tears. He blew one kiss to me and one to his little brother.

From that point on I couldn't help but miss Ryan so badly. Nick was working late and I was home with AJ. I put him to bed and was going to go and look at Ryan's stuff. I knew if I did I would most likely spend the rest of the night crying. I tried my best to distract myself but it didn't work. I ended up sobbing in the bathroom. Sometimes missing him overtakes me and I can't seem to anything else but miss him.

I heard this song on the radio today...I've heard it many times and know the chorus but today was the first time that I really heard this verse:

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby.

This type of loss is so hard. You don't have memories to look back on. All you have are the hopes and dreams of a future that are shattered in an instant. Kristin is the founder of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It was one of the first on-line sites that I found after Ryan was born that dealt with infant loss (and miscarriage and still birth). She blogs to her daughter Stevie. This post of hers puts it all in to words that I can never find.

Everyday I miss Ryan, some days I miss what should have been.