I was told today that I've been slacking updating this. I've been meaning to do a post but just haven't had the energy when I've had time. So here are some ramblings...
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We've been married 4 years. Who would have ever guessed that when we said our vows 4 years ago that we'd live almost all of them in just one year. Richer or poorer, check. Sickness and health, check. In good times and in bad, check. I can't express how much I love my husband and how I wouldn't have made it through without him. I can only pray that this is the toughest year of our marriage and all the years to come are happy and healthy.
Tomorrow (Oct 15th) is a rememberance day for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Light a candle, say an extra prayer or just think a good thought for all of the babies that should be here with us. There are a lot more of them than you realize.
We had our appointment with the high risk OB at Highland. She's the chief of the department. She was very nice. She met us in the lobby so I didn't have to go up on the Labor and Delivery floor. She read and re-read all of my records starting with AJ's birth. She concluded that I had chronic appendicitis. Some people get the fever and abdominal pain and it's diagnosed. Others get sick in bouts while they have small ruptures. I was having small ruptures and my body was walling it off creating the abscess. Every time I got sick it was another rupture of either the appendix or the abscess. The infection from this passed to the placenta. That's what caused the premature rupture of my membranes (water breaking) and the premature labor. Because of everything being so squished in there from being 21 weeks pregnant and having an abscess the size of a grapefuit it then involved my ovary and fallopian tube on the right side.
She said that there is no reason to believe that I can not go on to have a successful full term pregnancy as I did with AJ. They will classify me as "high need". They'll treat me however I need to ease my fears and anxiety during another pregnancy. Whether that means more sonograms of more frequent appointments they'll be there to support us during what will most definitely be a stressful time.
She also said that once I'm healed physically from this surgery that we have the green light. We'll see if I'm emotionally ready but it's nice to know that the option will be there.
For the first time I've had some hope. It was so nice to have everyone on the same page and all have the same conclusion. I'm not the zebra anymore. I can have that bit of confidence back that we will have another child here on earth.
Since that appointment it's been an internal struggle for me. Happy to know that we should be ok and we can have another child but so terribly sad that this seems to be "bad luck". No one seems to know what to say about it. It happened. There was no way we could have stopped it. But I'm having a hard time feeling like we lost Ryan because of "bad luck". I know it's just wording but it bothers me. I've been trying to find a way to say it better...although I don't know if it'll ever be better. Bottom line, I lost a son and that will never be ok.
We took AJ to the RIT hockey game last week. It was the first home game this season. He had such a great time. We even made it on tv! A few days later we woke up to him chanting "RIT" over the monitor. I can't tell you how much I love this kid. His words, his hugs, his kisses and snuggles. He keeps me going.
Little Dipper is back in business. We've sent out mailings and we're hoping to get some gift basket business. There's a possibility I might get some chocolate business too. We'll see! I'm on FB so go search it out.
So I think that's everything for now. I'll try not to go so long in between updates :)
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