Up and Down

What a day. It started off crappy. The morning was just rough. I had plans with a friend to meet at the mall and that seemed to help get my out of my funk. AJ was very well behaved while we were there.

On the way home AJ fell asleep in the car. I thought this would be a good time to go see Ryan. I was almost home so I decided to stop and pick up the little moose we got for Ryan on our trip to Toronto earlier in the week. I ran in the house quick and grabbed the moose and drove to the cemetery. AJ was still sleeping until I put the car in park. So we both get out and as I get to Ryan's stone I start taking my usual inventory of his things. Something was missing. My heart sank. His little blue puppy was gone. The puppy that had been there since May 26, 2011 that Cole gave to him. The puppy that when I went to visit on my own I would sit with and rub his ears while I talked to Ryan. We searched the whole section -- even the bushes and the garbage. Nothing. I checked the lost and found. Nothing. I can't tell you how hard I cried when I got home. Every time something of his goes missing it's like I'm grieving all over again. I can't physically mother my son, I can only mother his grave and someone is messing with it. It pisses me off beyond belief. My lack of control with this sends me into a rage. We spend time picking out the little things that are "just right". They may seem like a $4 souvenir but we picked it especially for him. Things have gone missing before but I'm having a really hard time with the puppy missing. Tomorrow I'm going back and I'm bringing the statue that we have there home. I hate that I have to do it -- it's been there since the week we buried him -- but I can't stand the thought of going there one day and it not be there. The bottom line is I shouldn't have to worry about anything going missing.

After my hysterics I had to get ready to go to the Nurse of the Year event. Lauren was nominated and I also nominated Dawn (our fantastic ob nurse the night Ryan was born). We had a lot of fun. This was the first time I got to see Dawn since that night. It felt so good to be able to say "thank you" in person. She really seemed to appreciate it.

I'm exhausted to say the least. I've got more things to update about (the Face 2 Face group tv interview, newspaper articles and such) but that's for another day.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.