I'm going to start off by saying this post really isn't for anyone but me. It's going to be raw feelings not meant to hurt or offend anyone. I've gone back and forth for weeks about how to write this, if I should write this. Bottom line -- it's my blog and it's here to help me so I'm going to write this post how I started on this blog...like no one else is reading it.
You know when you want something so bad that's all you can focus on? You're interested in something and that's all you seem to notice? I'm surrounded. There's been a baby boom around me. New babies have arrived or will shortly, new pregnancies too. It seems to be everywhere. For everyone. Everyone but me.
I feel like I've been waiting to have a baby for 18 months now. We found out we were pregnant with Ryan in January 2011. And yes, I did have a baby. He will always be my baby. But I'm still waiting to have that child in my arms. I'm waiting to have the child that I can physically mother.
We've been trying for 10 months. I know people must be wondering and no we weren't going to say anything to anyone because honestly it's stressful enough -- I don't need the added stress of people asking if it's happened yet. And really, when it does finally happen I'm not sure we'll tell people then either.
I know it will happen but my patience is wearing thin. Yes it took 13 months to conceive AJ but it was also first shot for Ryan. There's really no rhyme or reason. But now I'm also down an ovary and tube.
I'm frustrated with it all. I'm pissed off. After going though a loss like ours shouldn't we be given a freakin' pass? Why make it so damn difficult.
I'm so happy for everyone. Every baby and pregnancy is a blessing. I've been blessed twice and I have two amazing children but I'm going to be greedy and want one more. I want AJ to have that sibling here with him. I want to see him interact with our baby like he does with others. I want him to wear that big brother shirt to the hospital when he comes to meet him or her for the first time. I want the "normal" delivery and recovery that so many people have. I want to stop wanting. I want to stop being that person. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. I'd like to hear someone's good news and smile without the tears. I'd really like it to be us with that good news again.
Today was Ryan's due date a year ago. It's one of those dates that will always stick out on the calendar to me. We should have a one year old running around. Instead we have a sweet boy who I've been missing for one year, four months and five days.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.