The new dad

Today was a great day. Our local paper is going to do an article on the Face 2 Face group. We met with the writer and he asked some great questions. It's going to run in my town and a few others. It'll be out on the 30th. I can't wait to read it!

AJ is under the weather today. He woke up four times last night all stuffy. We tried to give him his allergy meds and we all ended up wearing it. He was ok most of the afternoon so we decided to go to the mall to get out of the house a bit (and I forgot to take dinner out of the freezer!). We ate and AJ played in the play are that he loves.

On the way walking to the exit we passed a set of new parents. The dad was holding his very young son. I imagined it was their first outing with the baby. He was holding him and had this grin on his face. He was so happy and proud he was practically glowing. His wife was taking a picture. It was a beautiful scene. I wanted to smile but the lump in my throat got there first.

We talked this morning about how you never know how you'll react in any situation. Even after 15 months things still trigger me -- and the reaction can be so intense. You lose all control. It's an awful feeling.

I made it outside before I started to cry. I really hate when I think of the "should-have been's" and when the jealousy flares up. I wasn't so much jealous that they were there with their baby I was jealous that they could be so happy. I want to go back and be blissfully ignorant again. I want to go back to the place where bad things don't happen to babies. I'm so thankful that I've met the people I have because of this but I wish with all that I have that none of us met for these reasons.

I love you my sweet boy. Forever and a day.