Loss

It's funny how something so simple and innocent can send your day in a totally different direction than it was originally going.

Yesterday was a pretty nice day weather wise. AJ and I did a few things around the house, we dropped off an order from Little Dipper and after lunch I decided we would go to the cemetery. I'm trying to squeeze in as much time as I can while the weather isn't too cold and before the hours change.

We're in the cemetery driving to the section and I see something running on the open space to my left. Someone is across the road moving towards it. I think it's a dog. I'm figuring they had the dog in the car and it got out and now they're trying to catch it. I slow down as I get closer. I realize it's not a dog...it's a deer. This deer was having a good ole time running and prancing around. It was quite a sight. Unexpected to say the least, especially that it was two in the afternoon.

We get to the section and I take AJ out of the car. He walks right to Ryan's grave. He knows exactly where it is. Then some trucks catch his eye in the next row. Usually he makes his rounds to see all of the different toys but this time he kept bringing them over to Ryan's stone, as if he was showing his brother the trucks. Then he went and put them back (in the right spot!) and went and got something else from another place and did the same thing. I guess, in a way, he was playing with his brother.

We spent some time and then decided it was time to go. We turned out of the cemetery and I always blow one last kiss to Ryan as we pass the section from the road. AJ saw me do it and blew two kisses. Then he says "bye Ryan". Well, that was it for me. It's a good thing there weren't many cars around because I couldn't see very well through the tears. He blew one kiss to me and one to his little brother.

From that point on I couldn't help but miss Ryan so badly. Nick was working late and I was home with AJ. I put him to bed and was going to go and look at Ryan's stuff. I knew if I did I would most likely spend the rest of the night crying. I tried my best to distract myself but it didn't work. I ended up sobbing in the bathroom. Sometimes missing him overtakes me and I can't seem to anything else but miss him.

I heard this song on the radio today...I've heard it many times and know the chorus but today was the first time that I really heard this verse:

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby.

This type of loss is so hard. You don't have memories to look back on. All you have are the hopes and dreams of a future that are shattered in an instant. Kristin is the founder of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It was one of the first on-line sites that I found after Ryan was born that dealt with infant loss (and miscarriage and still birth). She blogs to her daughter Stevie. This post of hers puts it all in to words that I can never find.

Everyday I miss Ryan, some days I miss what should have been.

Writer's Block

I’ve tried to write this post a few times but I just can’t seem to get my thoughts straight enough for it to make sense on paper. I’m going to just write it anyway…

I’ve got babies on the brain. I don’t know if it’s all the babies that will be joining us in the next few months or what but lately that seems to be all I can think about. I want to have that newborn in my arms so badly. I’ve finally gotten to that point physically. I feel better than I have, literally, all year. I’ve still got to let my body heal so it’s out of the question for a while. That really pisses me off. It’s one last part of all of this that’s out of my control. I can’t do anything about it though so I’ve got to deal.

The weather here has turned to fall very quickly. It’s been gray and raining. That doesn’t make it very easy to go to the cemetery and spend any kind of quality time there. I used to go and sit for an hour. What am I going to do when there’s snow on the ground? Granted, I haven’t felt like I’ve needed to go and sit like I used to but what if I do? I’m going to end up with pneumonia and/or frostbite and Lord knows I don’t need either of those. The cemetery also changes it hours as of Nov. 1st. They’ll only be open till 5pm – there are no lights and it’ll be dark outside. I really hate that there are set hours that I need to follow to go visit Ryan.

Little Dipper has started off slowly. It wasn’t the response we were hoping for but as someone said to me “you don’t know until you try”. We’ll see where we end up as far as the gift baskets. I’m going to work on getting some holiday samples posted on Facebook and maybe that’ll get us something. I might also look into some local businesses to give some samples to keep in their shops. We’ll see. Either way we’ve gotten some orders and I’ll have a little bit to donate to An Angels Love. Hopefully it’ll allow them to get something they need to donate more items to the hospital.

Last weekend we went to the Al Sigl walk at Marketplace Mall. They encourage the kids who are attending to dress in their costumes so we thought it would be a great “practice run” for AJ to wear his costume. He wasn’t happy about it at first but I think once he saw other kids all dressed up and realized that people would give him candy he didn’t seem to mind as much. He makes one damn cute spider if I do say so myself.

Oooh! A lollipop! Maybe wearing this stupid costume isn't so bad after all.

My little hockey fan

Tonight was RIT's hockey game at Blue Cross. The place was sold out and a sea of orange. The game was awesome and was back and forth the whole time. RIT scored to tie the game with 9 seconds left in the 3rd period. And then it only took 14 seconds to win in sudden death OT. The place went crazy...and so did my little hockey fan.

AJ loves going to the games. He chants "RIT, RIT". He claps when everyone else does. Tonight he even started to do the point at the goalie when the corner crew does "it's all your fault!" He also learned how to fist bump tonight. With 5 goals in regulation we had done it enough. He thought it was so much fun that he would go down the row wanting everyone to do it just because he could.

I love seeing him watching all of the action. You can see him taking it all in. Who knows...maybe we'll have to get him on some skates next year (and lucky for us I know a good teacher ;) )

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Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. There was a wave of light going throughout the world. At 7 pm people lit candles to remember the babies who aren't here but should be. I wish it was more than a day but at least it's something. But for those of us who have lost a child you know that it doesn't matter the date you're always thinking about and remembering that child...and it's nice when other people remember too.

A little of this and a little of that

I was told today that I've been slacking updating this. I've been meaning to do a post but just haven't had the energy when I've had time. So here are some ramblings...

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We've been married 4 years. Who would have ever guessed that when we said our vows 4 years ago that we'd live almost all of them in just one year. Richer or poorer, check. Sickness and health, check. In good times and in bad, check. I can't express how much I love my husband and how I wouldn't have made it through without him. I can only pray that this is the toughest year of our marriage and all the years to come are happy and healthy.

Tomorrow (Oct 15th) is a rememberance day for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Light a candle, say an extra prayer or just think a good thought for all of the babies that should be here with us. There are a lot more of them than you realize.

We had our appointment with the high risk OB at Highland. She's the chief of the department. She was very nice. She met us in the lobby so I didn't have to go up on the Labor and Delivery floor. She read and re-read all of my records starting with AJ's birth. She concluded that I had chronic appendicitis. Some people get the fever and abdominal pain and it's diagnosed. Others get sick in bouts while they have small ruptures. I was having small ruptures and my body was walling it off creating the abscess. Every time I got sick it was another rupture of either the appendix or the abscess. The infection from this passed to the placenta. That's what caused the premature rupture of my membranes (water breaking) and the premature labor. Because of everything being so squished in there from being 21 weeks pregnant and having an abscess the size of a grapefuit it then involved my ovary and fallopian tube on the right side.

She said that there is no reason to believe that I can not go on to have a successful full term pregnancy as I did with AJ. They will classify me as "high need". They'll treat me however I need to ease my fears and anxiety during another pregnancy. Whether that means more sonograms of more frequent appointments they'll be there to support us during what will most definitely be a stressful time.

She also said that once I'm healed physically from this surgery that we have the green light. We'll see if I'm emotionally ready but it's nice to know that the option will be there.

For the first time I've had some hope. It was so nice to have everyone on the same page and all have the same conclusion. I'm not the zebra anymore. I can have that bit of confidence back that we will have another child here on earth.

Since that appointment it's been an internal struggle for me. Happy to know that we should be ok and we can have another child but so terribly sad that this seems to be "bad luck". No one seems to know what to say about it. It happened. There was no way we could have stopped it. But I'm having a hard time feeling like we lost Ryan because of "bad luck". I know it's just wording but it bothers me. I've been trying to find a way to say it better...although I don't know if it'll ever be better. Bottom line, I lost a son and that will never be ok.

We took AJ to the RIT hockey game last week. It was the first home game this season. He had such a great time. We even made it on tv! A few days later we woke up to him chanting "RIT" over the monitor. I can't tell you how much I love this kid. His words, his hugs, his kisses and snuggles. He keeps me going.

Little Dipper is back in business. We've sent out mailings and we're hoping to get some gift basket business. There's a possibility I might get some chocolate business too. We'll see! I'm on FB so go search it out.

So I think that's everything for now. I'll try not to go so long in between updates :)

A sleepless night

It's 1am and I can't sleep. I'm having one of those nights where my brain won't stop. Maybe this post will help, but who knows.

Nick and I were laying in bed watching tv and he fell asleep. I looked over at him and he was sleeping with his hand to his chin. He often falls asleep like this. But for some reason tonight it made me think of Ryan. When Christa brought Ryan out to us the Monday after he was born he was wrapped in his blanket in this same position.

I'm missing him so much tonight.

We've had family here for the last 3+ weeks helping out while I recover. There have been countless times that someone has referred to AJ as "the baby". Each and every time that's happened I think "but he's not the baby". If things would have gone differently no one would be calling him the baby right now.

I miss my son.

My promise

Driving in the cemtery on the way to the section where Ryan is we pass a dirt pile. Some days it small and others it's much larger. No matter what size it is I always hope that the dirt that is there is not from a new spot being used in the infant's section.

Today when I went to visit Ryan the pile was big. I'm pretty sure it was the biggest I've seen it in the last 4 months. I pulled up to the section and took a deep breath. I looked over and there was the burial platform. It was all set and waiting for a new baby. This is the second one in about 2 weeks.

Ella joined the row last week. Today there will be a new friend, and that kills me. It's always hard to see a new child there but to see that platform there, waiting brought me right back to May 24th. The weather was very similar that day as it is today. I remember pulling up to the section and seeing that platform and I didn't want to get out of the car. I didn't even want to look at it. And then seeing Ryan's tiny casket sitting on top of it...

So now here I was visiting my son with this platform just 3 spots away. I couldn't help but be sad. I knew what that family is going through and what today will be like for them. I spoke to Ryan and asked him to welcome the new friend. I prayed for all of the children in the section and I made my promise again.

After my surgery Nick took me to see Ryan. It had been about a week since I was able to go. It was so hard. I made a promise to stay on the path I'm on. I made a promise to Ryan and myself that I'm going to continue in any way that I can to help other families who are going through this. I'm going to continue to keep this promise until there are no more new friends added to the Christ Child section. I know there's no way to stop that from happening but I feel like I need to try to help when it does.

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I was on the phone the other night with a friend who we hadn't spoken to in a bit. He does a "25 days of thanks" on his blog. Nick mentioned that maybe I should do the same this year. But in talking with my friend I realized there's no need to wait. In a year full of difficulty and tragedy we still do have many things to be thankful for. That's a post to come...

And to that friend -- thank you for the kind words, I always know that you truly mean what you say and I appreciate that so much.