The new dad

Today was a great day. Our local paper is going to do an article on the Face 2 Face group. We met with the writer and he asked some great questions. It's going to run in my town and a few others. It'll be out on the 30th. I can't wait to read it!

AJ is under the weather today. He woke up four times last night all stuffy. We tried to give him his allergy meds and we all ended up wearing it. He was ok most of the afternoon so we decided to go to the mall to get out of the house a bit (and I forgot to take dinner out of the freezer!). We ate and AJ played in the play are that he loves.

On the way walking to the exit we passed a set of new parents. The dad was holding his very young son. I imagined it was their first outing with the baby. He was holding him and had this grin on his face. He was so happy and proud he was practically glowing. His wife was taking a picture. It was a beautiful scene. I wanted to smile but the lump in my throat got there first.

We talked this morning about how you never know how you'll react in any situation. Even after 15 months things still trigger me -- and the reaction can be so intense. You lose all control. It's an awful feeling.

I made it outside before I started to cry. I really hate when I think of the "should-have been's" and when the jealousy flares up. I wasn't so much jealous that they were there with their baby I was jealous that they could be so happy. I want to go back and be blissfully ignorant again. I want to go back to the place where bad things don't happen to babies. I'm so thankful that I've met the people I have because of this but I wish with all that I have that none of us met for these reasons.

I love you my sweet boy. Forever and a day.

An AJ post

Obviously I post a lot about Ryan here but I feel like I've been neglecting writing about AJ.

At two and a half he has quite the personality. He's funny (and he knows it), he super smart (and yes I'm biased but other people have said the same thing!), he loves to snuggle. He'll climb in our bed in the morning and want to be covered up and watch tv. He says the funniest things. He hears something once and is able to use it correctly. The other day he asked me a question and I answered it. He replies "that's awesome!". He's too much.

He doesn't like to go to bed or take a nap. He'll use every stall tactic he knows. Then when we finally get in to his room he wants to read every book on the shelf. And then we rock and then he wants me to rub his back. "Mama, rub your back?" He still doesn't get the whole "me, you" thing when talking about himself.

He loves to quiz us on things like we do to him. "Mama, what color is that car? or "what number is that?"

We went through a stretch of "terrible 2's" but for the most part lately he's been so much fun. He makes us laugh and smile every. single. day.

And the best part -- he's a great big brother.

<3

I feel witty

I wish I could be one of those people who always has something witty to say. I want to be the one who always has the comeback. I'm not that person. Tonight I was at a party and there was a conversation about all the kids that had been born in the last couple of years. In my head I was hoping the person would skip over me. And I thought I had escaped it. Nope. The person, full knowing of what's gone on in the last 15 months, says "now we're just waiting on you Melissa". I know it wasn't meant with bad intentions but oh how I wished I would have said "oh, did you forget...I had a child before those two were born." Instead I took a breath and answered with "I need to stop having organs removed first"

Why is it in situations like that I try to grin and bare it and not make the person feel bad? They're the one who's said something totally and utterly stupid yet there I sit trying not to make them feel bad or have an awkward moment. I'm tired of sucking it up to "people will say stupid things". For once I'd love to say "you're a fucking idiot" and leave feeling better and not wanting to go cry in a corner.

We went to a wedding out of town yesterday. It was beautiful. We got to see people we haven't seen in a while. The happy couple looked wonderful, the venue was gorgeous and the food and service were some of the best I've ever had. Instead of favors the couple decided to make donations to a few charities that are important to them. One of them was the March of Dimes. We were so touched when we found out. I can't put into words how grateful I am to them for doing that.

When it was time for the mother/son dance I got choked up. I thought about dancing with AJ at his wedding and then my next thought was how I won't get to do that with Ryan. It's not fair. Not fair at all.

Today we had a friend visit Ryan with us. To my knowledge this was the first non-family member to go there. He asked us to go and I can't begin to explain how much this meant to me (us). We spent a few minutes and had a nice visit. I will forever remember that...thanks Jimmy ;)


I love you sweet boy. I miss you. Forever and a day.

Look kids -- Parliament, Big Ben.

So here I am 5 days post surgery. I feel like I've been here before. Oh wait, I have. I guess I thought because this one wasn't a big open surgery like the last and it was outpatient that it wouldn't be so bad. It's not been terrible but it's not been fun either.

I spent some extra time in recovery afterwards feeling less than peachy. I puked my guts up and was just generally still out of it. After some anti-nausea meds and another bag of fluids I was like a new person. One thing I do have to say is that I love all of the nurses at the hospital. With the exception of one (I'm looking at you nasty IV nurse) I've never had anything less than a great experience. I especially loved the two nurses I had in recovery (told you I was there a while!). They were so sweet and took such great care of me. They asked about my MOD shirt when I was getting ready to leave. Nick and I were able to tell Ryan's story. One said she "got the chills". I hope she remembers us and our story for next year -- maybe it'll give her a push to raise even more money!

I've been trying to take it easy but after a few days I'm ready to feel 100%. I'm not a patient person so wanting to be there and my body not being there is a little difficult.

I felt like the worst mom on the planet last week. We had just gotten back from our trip downstate and I still felt like there was so much to do. We had gotten home much earlier than expected (thanks to the ridiculous heat and AJ waking up at 2:30am) so I thought I would have time to do everything. The one big thing I wanted to do was to go see Ryan. Fast forward to 6:30pm as we're sitting down eating dinner and I realize the day has gotten away and I won't get to go before my surgery. How did I forget to go see my son? Who does that?

Today was the first time I've been since before our trip. It was a tough visit and I'm not completely sure why. I guess I don't really need a reason -- seriously, isn't going to visit your son at the cemetery enough? But today I went and just cried. There was a lot of emotion, I'm sure a lot of it was guilt and some of it was just plain old missing him. It caught me off guard but it felt better to cry.

Anyway, to Ryan -- thanks for looking after me again. I know this must be getting old for you because I know it's definitely getting old for me. No more surgeries, ok?! Three in a year is enough and I'm pretty sure I've reached my limit on organs that I don't need.

I love you with all my heart, sweet boy. Forever and a day.