Mixed Emotions

The roller coaster continues. Now it's not so much of the ups and downs in one day but rather the span of a few days. In the beginning it was minute to minute.

There have been so many great things going on lately. Ryan's Racers currently has $3,147. Seeing that total increase makes me so happy. I can't even begin to explain it.

 AJ has been just so funny lately -- and he knows it. He loves to sing and he does it often. He sings songs he knows (happy birthday, the Olivia theme song and even something in Spanish!) but he also likes to make up his own. One of my favorite things is waking up to his chatter on the monitor. I wish I could see what he was doing while he's putting on his little show. He's so stinkin' smart. The things he retains amazes me and Nick all the time.  

The bunny has been hanging out in the yard lately. I can't tell you how many times a day I go and look out the window to see if he's there. Ryan's tree has bloomed too. Everytime I go into our room I have to go to the window and look at it. I'm so glad that Nick had that done.

AJ called Ryan his brother today. I'm so glad he knows about Ryan and that we talk about him but God, how I wish he could have gotten to meet him. I wish he would have had the chance to fuss over him like he does with other babies. I know he would have been a great little helper and he's a great big brother.

We're getting closer to Ryan's birthday. Some days I'm ok and others it just kills me. I think that's why I've thrown myself into fundraising for the walk. I need some kind of distraction. I'm actually a little nervous for when it's over. Then what am I going to do?

We went to see Ryan the other day and there was not one but two new babies there. It literally takes my breath away when I see a new baby there. Six new ones in less than 11 months. That's too many. Even one is too many. I said I can't explain how happy it makes me to see that March for Babies total rise...it's knowing that with every dollar raised that hopefully another baby won't have to be there.

The good has outweighed the tough stuff and I'm thankful for that.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.