This post is going to make me sound like a whiny brat. Lucy's mom once said that she wished adults could have a good temper tantrum every now and again. Here's my tantrum.
I fully believe that there is a plan. It's not my plan, no matter how hard I try to be in control. I really hate the saying "everything happens for a reason" but I'm sure in some way certain things happen or don't happen in order for things to be the way they need to be.
That doesn't mean that I like it or accept it. Sometimes I just wish things didn't seem so damn hard. I want things to go smoothly, easily. I try so hard to be hopeful and confident but you can only be like that for too long before you really start to wonder and get angry. I'm not a patient person to start with.
There are things that I want and have wanted for a looooong time. No matter what I do I can't seem to make that work. It's frustrating as hell.
Tomorrow we're leaving for Disney. I should be so excited that I can't sleep. AJ's first time being in such a magical place. It's a child's rite of passage. Who doesn't remember their first time to Disney? All I can think about tonight is how Ryan should be going with us. I wonder what character would be his favorite. Would he like seeing the characters in the parks? Or would he be scared? What would he look like with those Mickey ears? He would be my little buddy waiting with me while Nick and AJ went on the rides. Would AJ be excited to show his little brother around? What stuffed animal would he pick as a souvenir and sleep with that night? The thoughts go on and on... I know we'll go and have a great time and I won't be sad the whole time. There will be bittersweet moments, just like always. I also know I'll get a sign to know that he's there with us. He does take care of me in that way. I always seem to get one when I need it.
I guess this is one of those times when I'm really angry at the plan. I wanted the chance to do things as a complete family.
I love you so much sweet boy. I miss you like crazy. Forever and a day.