An emotionally heavy day

Today was jam packed. We were up and going early. On the agenda was kindergarten registration for AJ.

I needed to bring his birth certificate with me so I went and grabbbed it from the lock box where we keep all of our most important things. It was right under Ryan's memory box. I took a quick peek at Ryan's picture. It feels strange to me to go in that box and not look at something of his.

Registration was surreal. It was the first time I was in the school. It was lunch time and the halls were filled with children's happy voices. I tried to picture AJ eating his lunch in the cafeteria with new friends. I can't believe my baby, the one who first made me a mom, is old enough to go to school.

Later on in the day we went for a tour of the surgery center where AJ will have his tonsils out on Wednesday. He did great. He was chatting up the nurse. We got to see all of the places we'll be and that was reassuring. I'm not gonna lie, I can feel my anxiety building the closer we get to Wednesday. I know he'll be fine but the thought of having to let him go, even for just the little while, sends me close to a panic.

All of the emotions today on top of the busy schedule has left me exhausted. My mind has been on Ryan a lot. I realized that kindergarten was another milestone that he wasn't going to have. He's not going to make new friends, ride the bus or trade snacks. What I wouldn't give for him to have that.

Missing you sweet boy. We could use a little reassurance on Wednesday - a little sign would mean the world.

I love you so, so much. Forever and a day.