Friday, February 20, 2015

Seasons of grief

There are so many variables that can have an effect on your grief. An upcoming birthday or anniversary, stress in other aspects of your life and for me the actual season of the year.

Winter is the hardest for me. The weather sometimes actually prevents me from going to the cemetery and if I can and do go it's often just for a minute because it's so bitter cold.

I always took pride in keeping up with Ryan's grave. I'd go and change the flag for whatever holiday was upcoming. I'd make sure the leaves weren't covering the stone. Maybe bring a new little knickknack for him. Right now though if you were to go his Christmas tree is still there, his Christmas flag is still up and underneath the nearly 4 feet of snow that's piled up are some Christmas trinkets on his stone. I tried to bring his Christmas tree home after the holidays were over but it's frozen to the ground...and at this point I'm not even sure it'd be visible because we've had a lot of snow and bitter cold with no thaw.

The cemetery is my place to go to feel a little closer to Ryan. I can usually go and be alone and think or cry or have some quiet time. In the winter I can't do any of that and it's hard. I haven't found another place that fills that void. So while others may complain about all the cold and snow because of the inconvenience it all causes I complain because yes, it's a pain to deal with but it also makes me feel further from my son and I hate that.

Dreaming of a nice Spring day with no snow on the ground.

Missing you like crazy sweet boy, especially as I sit here watching your brothers have a dance party in the living room.

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