Sigh

After Ryan passed I found myself sighing. A lot. I didn't realize I was doing it at first. In the beginning it was almost a reminder to keep breathing, to keep going. Then it happened on days that I was missing Ryan a little extra. I've found myself doing it the last few days as we approached Ryan's birthday. Today the sigh was to help deal with the fact that it's been three years since I've seen or held my son. It was also to try to calm down after the few crying jags that come with it being his birthday. It's a reminder that I'll get through the day and another year without him, no matter how bad it sucks.

We tried to celebrate him today. We went and got balloons and a little toy. We brought them to the cemetery and released a few. It's getting harder and harder to figure out what to do for his birthday. Nothing ever seems like it's good enough.

In true Ryan fashion he made sure his mama was taken care of. After we got home tonight I went out to his tree. I was there looking at the statue that we have and just spending a quiet few minutes. I looked at my neighbors yard and something caught my eye. It was a bunny. He was so content in the yard eating the grass and even lounging for a few minutes. It's only the second time I've seen a bunny at the house in the year that we've been here.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I hope you tagged along and had fun with us today. I think you would have had a ball with your brothers. I love you with all of my heart.