Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I thought I was handling the stress pretty well. These last few days I realize I haven't been.
There are big changes with the company that Nick works for. And with those changes come a lot of questions and even fewer answers.
I find myself getting more and more anxious the closer we get to having Cameron here. We're so close (31 weeks today!) but the last week or so I've lost my balance. Lost the balance of preparing for Cameron, being here for AJ and giving Ryan the time he deserves. It seems the lump in my throat has plans to stay around for a while. The tears are so close to the surface and they're just waiting for the smallest trigger to set them free.
We were at story time at the library earlier in the week. There are two little girls whose mom was pregnant. They were there with their grandparents. We figured she had the baby but I'm always a little afraid to ask. Turns out she did. She had a little boy. "Tell them his name" says grandma to one of the little girls. "Matthew Ryan" she says. I honestly don't remember the rest of the conversation b/c I zoned out willing myself not to cry in front of these people. I made it out of the room before the tears came.
I'm missing Ryan so, so badly lately. I think part of it is the time of year. Even without focusing on dates on the calendar the end of Sept always makes me emotional. Ryan's "should have been" due date. It's not a date I really focus on but there are babies that were born in the days right around it and seeing the birthday posts is so bittersweet. This year I hadn't realized until after that that is probably a contributing factor to the funk.
We talk a lot in group about being angry. That seems to be my default. I always end up back at angry. Angry that I'm missing a son. Angry that I can't completely enjoy the pregnancy with Cameron b/c there's always that nagging fear in the back of my head that something will go wrong. Angry that while I'm dealing with these feelings that I don't have the patience I should have with AJ. Angry that I feel like I'm trying my best to be a good mom to all of my boys and I'm failing. Failing because I feel overwhelmed and I can't keep my brain from racing -- and even worse, I don't know how to fix it. Usually a good cry will do it. Been there, done that. Temporary fix.
So what do I do? Get up every morning and hope that each day the funk lifts a little. And try to remember that I need to be gentle with myself. Being a mom to 3 boys in all different places isn't easy and I'm doing the best I can -- and that has to be good enough.