21+5

Today I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same as I was when we had Ryan. If you want to be technical about it I'm already further along with Cameron than I made it with Ryan. I only got to the "5 days" because it was five minutes after midnight when Ryan was born.

This has been a milestone that has been on my radar since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know why it holds so much weight but it does. I have no reason to believe that there will be any issues during this pregnancy. My doc is watching me closely and everything looks perfect. Today is one of those dates on the calendar that I want to come and go. It brings up so many memories. I've been having flashbacks lately. I'm immediately brought back to the hospital room, to the funeral home, trying to say goodbye to a son after we barely had a chance to say hello.

After Ryan was born I had to find a balance of being a grieving mom. I had to learn how to take care of AJ and grieve Ryan. That is not an easy balance at all but eventually I learned some "tricks" to make it a little easier on myself. Some days it's still very hard but we manage. With this pregnancy I'm trying to find yet another balance. How do I take care of AJ, who is very invested in this pregnancy, continue to honor and miss Ryan and be excited for Cameron's arrival? Some days I can't do it all and the guilt of feeling like I can't give my three boys the attention they all need and deserve is overwhelming.

Thank God for our F2F group. I've got some of the best resources! Moms who have been there or are going through the same thing I am. I don't know where I'd be without their support, their specific "I've been there" kind of support.