Senseless

How one person can inflict such a tremendous amount of pain is beyond me. I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out what was wrong with the monster who did this.

All I can think about is there are more than twenty families who will never be the same people they were at 9am this morning. In a matter of minutes their worlds have been forever changed. The equivalent of a classroom full of people, their lives taken, just like that, in an instant.

The parents left to forever think about their unfinished lives. The futures that were supposed to happen, won't. Graduations, weddings...

I hate that children can't even go to school and be safe.

I feel terrible for the parents of all of the children in the school. I know the fog that some are going through and I can't imagine the helpless feelings of the parents of survivors. Childhood was ripped away.

I mourn with those parents and for the children. No one should ever lose a child, especially at another's hand and in a place that is supposed to be safe.

Ryan's tree and happy birthday to me!

I'll fully admit that I was in no rush to get our Christmas tree up and decorated this year. I knew it would get done but for about a week there was always a good excuse not to. Christmas isn't what it had been in the past. How could it be when we're missing Ryan so much? It's like being pulled in two directions. Of course I want AJ to have all of the Christmas excitement but it's not easy for me. I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago in the mall just picking up our new stockings.

My mom was visiting and wanted to get Ryan a tree to put at the cemetery. Last year my sister picked one up and decorated it with mini-ornaments from her family and my mom. It was beautiful. So off my mom went. She came home with a three foot tree! While it was too big to put at the cemetery she suggested we keep it here if we wanted. I thought about it. Ryan has enough ornaments to fill it so we decided to keep it. We went out and bought some lights (I gave AJ the choice of white or colors -- he picked the colors) and a few more ornaments. I have to say I LOVED decorating that tree. It felt so good feeling like I was doing something especially for him. His ornaments aren't "lost" on our big tree. And possibly the best part...AJ loves it too. He usually wakes up and wants to turn the lights on and says "What a beautiful tree Mama". Melts my heart.

Ryan's beautiful tree

 It was my birthday on Sunday. I had a really nice day. My sister and her family came over for breakfast. In the early afternoon we went and dropped off our gifts for our adopted family. I really enjoyed explaining to AJ what we were doing. He seemed to understand and was ok parting with the toys that he wanted to play with so badly for two weeks. After that AJ (and Nick) napped so I took advantage and went to the cemetery. I spent a little time and hung the ornament I got Ryan. After that we went out to a nice dinner. Nick and AJ sang happy birthday (a few times!) and before I knew it the day was over.

Say spaghetti and meatballs!

I got so many birthday wishes on facebook and in the mail. Thank you to everyone! It made the day really special.


I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.