The Best Medicine

Last night was rough. I ended up throwing up at one point -- not really something you want to do after abdominal surgery. They had to hook me back up to the IV fluids and give me 2 meds for nausea.

I asked Nick to come up to spend the day with me to help me out. I didn't want AJ coming up and seeing me in pain. My mom spent the day with him and he had a great time.

By the afternoon I was feeling much better. AJ and my mom came up for dinner. They were here for about 3 hours. AJ is always so good when he's here. He plays with his toys, hams it up for the nurses and just hangs out. After he got in his pj's tonight he was looking to snuggle with me. He didn't ask "uppa" like he normally does but I could tell he wanted to come in bed with me. I got a pillow and put it over my belly and Nick layed him next to me in bed. He snuggled up and just stayed there with me. That was the best medicine I could have gotten. My little man taking care of his mama.

I really must have done something right to have such great kids and a wonderful husband and family.

Tomorrow is the big day

I've done my best to keep myself busy today. I did more today than I have in the last week. I did what an good Italian mama would do -- I cooked -- a lot. I made beef stew, white rice, egg noodles, chocolate muffins and an apple crisp -- and that was all before noon.

I also did 4 loads of laundry, some other cleaning and of course played with AJ.

I did all that I could to try to keep my mind off of tomorrow.

I did get all of your phone calls and well wishes and I appreciate them more than I can tell you -- but the more the phone rang and the more I thought about it the worse my anxiety got.

I just put the finishing touches on the new resource list for the hospital. I'm so glad it's done and I think it's pretty good. I hope it helps at least one family in the future. If that's the case it'll all be worth it.

Surgery tomorrow is 11:45am. We're going to the cemetery tomorrow morning and then heading to the hospital.

I'll update when I can (and I'm not too drugged!) :)

Wake me up when September ends

Today was awful. It's right up there with one of the worst days in the last three and a half months.

I went in for my pre-op testing this morning. I was the first appointment so I didn't expect it to take too long. It was just bloodwork, chest x-ray and instructions from the nurse. After two and a half hours, having to tell my story again and waiting 40 minutes for a simple x-ray I was done. And I was emotionally drained too.

It took 3 tries to get the bloodwork done. I should have just let them go to the vein I knew would work -- stupid me for wanting to give my poor arm a break. Then I had to go to get a chest x-ray. The woman checking me in commented on my necklace. She asked if it was for my son. I said yes, one of them. She asked how old he was. I told her he would be three and a half months. She looked at me and said "would be?" I replied with a simple yes while looking her straight in the eye. She didn't really say anything after that.

I wanted to cry when I was out of there. My nerves are starting to kick in. Being there made it worse. I so want it to be over and done with but I'm scared out of my mind.

I had a therapy appointment this afternoon too. I cried the whole time. My anger has been really getting to me. I'm sad, yes, but lately I'm more angry than anything. I should be going for a c-section not a different surgery. People should be coming to meet a new baby and helping out, not for this. It shouldn't be this way.

After my appointment I took some time and went to the cemetery. I sat and sobbed the whole time. I finally got myself back in the car and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed and yelled and asked all of the questions that have been plaguing me all these months. I felt a little better. It felt good to get it out.

My day was shot after all of this and it was only 2pm. My whole body hurts like I've been hit by a truck. I'm exhausted. I need the physical issues to be taken care of so I can focus on my emotions. It's too hard trying to balance the two.

I'm praying to God that Friday will be the end of this chapter.

This sucks

Plain and simple. I don't know how else to put it. The last few days have sucked big time. I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I can't make it through a day without crying (usually sobbing). I'm exhausted. I'm in pain the last few days too.

As we get closer and closer to September it gets harder and harder. The surgery is looming over my head, my due date at the end of the month and new babies to be born right around the same time. Some days it's too much to handle and I fall to pieces.

I should be going in for surgery but it should be to deliver my beautiful little guy not having some mass removed. I should have family coming up to help with the baby, not because I'll be so limited on what I can do for myself and AJ. I should be so excited at a new arrival, not scared to death about the possibility of another loss.

I'm pissed. I'm so angry. So angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.