Brothers

Today was Nick 's first day off in two weeks. We wanted to do something fun as a family so we ended up at the beach.

We got there and set up our gear (it's amazing everything you need to bring when you have kids). AJ was so excited to get in the water. His sunscreen was barely dry and he was off. Nick joined him and I followed a bit later.

There were two brothers who were playing in the shallow water. Nick commented that he couldn't wait for Cam to be old enough so we could get the boys matching swimsuits like they were wearing. I have no doubt that Cameron will want to do everything just like his biggest brother.

When I headed into the water with Cameron to join Nick and AJ, I was near those two boys. I heard the grandfather call one of them. "Ryan, don't go too far." Nick heard it too and we looked at each other and smiled.

A little while later I was back on the sand with Cameron (who is not a fan of the cold water) and Nick calls to me from the water. "You'll never believe what the older brother's name is!" Are you kidding me? Alexander Joseph. They call him AJ.

I went from looking at two brothers playing together to looking at what my boys should have looked like playing together.

I couldn't help the lump in my throat. At first it was bittersweet, then very quickly it turned to sadness. The situation very quickly brought all of my feelings of missing Ryan right to the surface. I was trying to hold back the tears. Nick told the grandfather the significance of the names and I didn't want to make it awkward for them. There was no stopping it. I excused myself and had a good cry in the bathroom.

When I came back on the beach after that watching those boys was like watching a car accident. I didn't want to look but at the same time I couldn't look away. They were 5 and 2. Ryan was a spunky little guy who didn't want to listen very well. I always wonder if my Ryan would have been the same.

It was the most clear reminder of what we all missed out on. Sure, I've been around other boys named Ryan but to hear the names called out together was too much for me.

I'm missing you like crazy my sweet boy. I miss you so much that my arm literally aches for you. I'd go back and do it all again just to hold you one more time. I love you so much. Thank you for taking such good care of us. I know you're always around.

Forever and a day.
Love, Mama

Sigh

After Ryan passed I found myself sighing. A lot. I didn't realize I was doing it at first. In the beginning it was almost a reminder to keep breathing, to keep going. Then it happened on days that I was missing Ryan a little extra. I've found myself doing it the last few days as we approached Ryan's birthday. Today the sigh was to help deal with the fact that it's been three years since I've seen or held my son. It was also to try to calm down after the few crying jags that come with it being his birthday. It's a reminder that I'll get through the day and another year without him, no matter how bad it sucks.

We tried to celebrate him today. We went and got balloons and a little toy. We brought them to the cemetery and released a few. It's getting harder and harder to figure out what to do for his birthday. Nothing ever seems like it's good enough.

In true Ryan fashion he made sure his mama was taken care of. After we got home tonight I went out to his tree. I was there looking at the statue that we have and just spending a quiet few minutes. I looked at my neighbors yard and something caught my eye. It was a bunny. He was so content in the yard eating the grass and even lounging for a few minutes. It's only the second time I've seen a bunny at the house in the year that we've been here.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I hope you tagged along and had fun with us today. I think you would have had a ball with your brothers. I love you with all of my heart.

Catching up

I was told today to "get on that!". It was a nudge to update the blog because it's been quite a while. I've had bits and pieces of posts here or there but nothing so urgent or important to write a whole post about. And honestly if it's the choice of going sleep or blogging, sleep will almost always be the winner right now.

I'm not sure if my fatigue is from still trying to wrangle two kids at home or from some possible PPD. Probably a little bit of both. I've noticed since Cameron was born I've been more emotional than is typical for me. I can tell you that I'm missing Ryan more than ever. I see Cameron smile and I miss him. My mind goes through all the questions I'll never have answers to. Would Ryan have made that same face or have the double swirl like AJ and Cam? Would he look so contently at me and babble like Cam does?

Sometimes it's not the questions that get me. It's the thought that if Ryan were living I'm not sure we would have had Cameron. I look at him smile at me and I can't imagine life without him, just as I can't imagine life with Ryan here. I wonder but I'll never really know.

Today we were at the mall and Nick noticed my former OB. He pointed out "the guy in blue" whose back was towards us. Didn't matter. I knew immediately who it was. My reaction surprised me. My heart started to race. I felt like I didn't know if I wanted to run toward him and scream or run the other way in fear. It annoys me that he still causes that type of reaction more than two and a half years later. I guess my therapist was right when she said it was PTSD.  Fucking douche. I can still hear him telling me "we need to wean you from worrying". I can't describe the anger it causes. Enough about that ass. He doesn't deserve the 3 lines I've spent on him.

Today I had a meeting with a couple of people for F2F. Whenever we meet out in public we try to find a quiet corner to sit for two reasons. 1) so we can all feel comfortable and not cry in the middle of a packed restaurant (although if that's the only option we make it work!) and 2) so the poor unsuspecting patrons who are just out to have a quick bite to eat don't have to hear our conversation, because let's face it -- who wants to hear about infant death over their chicken noodle soup? So when I got to the restaurant I thought I picked a good spot. It was away from the massive table in the middle of the main dining area. There were only a few other tables and booths in the section we were in. There was a pair of ladies in one of the booths. They ate and were getting ready to leave. As one of them walked passed our table she stopped. "I'm so sorry for interrupting but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation" Oh boy, here we go. "Are you a part of a support group? My good friend had a full term stillbirth 4 years ago and still struggles sometimes." Not what I was expecting her to say. We gave her a card to pass along to her friend. She told us how sorry she was for all of our losses, thanked us and apologized again for interrupting. I really believe that was the boys at work. Of all the people we could have sat near in the crowded restaurant?

Cameron is getting big so fast! He's a chatty little guy. He's making all kinds of sounds and has the best smile. He really makes you work to get a laugh out of him but it's so worth it.

How's that for some catching up?  :)

Cameron Matthew

This post is long overdue! Life got a little busy on November 27, 2013!

Cameron Matthew was born at 8:12am. The day was exactly what I hoped it would be. I was so thankful to finally have the birth that I had dreamed of.

The morning of the C-section we had a snow storm. No shock there! Nick was smart and hired a guy to plow our driveway this year and let me tell you how much of a help it was as we left at 5am. We got to the hospital around 5:30 and headed in. We checked in (our file was the one covered in post-its -- "don't put in triage" among others).

We were put in the room that we had been in the week before on our trip to triage. My bp was high and they had me go in to get checked out. Thankfully all was well.

We had the nicest nurse who helped us get changed, got my iv started and tried (in vain) to get a good strip on Cameron from the monitor. He was such a mover and a shaker she pretty much had to sit on my bed and hold the belt on me and move it with him. Ha!

Not long after we were settled our nurse Dawn came in. She's been so wonderful to us since Ryan was born. She took such great care of us that night and has continued to do so ever since. Once I had my C-section date the first thing I did was send Dawn a message. She usually works nights but I was really hoping she'd be able to be there when Cameron was born. She switched her schedule around to be there with us. She even brought a gift for Cameron!

Dr. F came in a few minutes later. She was just as excited as we were! She's been there for us the whole two and a half years since Ryan was born. We wouldn't have gotten through it without her. She went over how everything would go and before we knew it we were walking to the OR.

Dr. F held my hands as I got my spinal. After that everything went so fast. They laid me on the table and got everything else prepped. Dawn was right by my side as Nick was brought into the room. Dr. F talked to us throughout.

At 8:12am Cameron was born yelling! It was the most beautiful sound. We all waited 39 weeks to hear that. Dr. F stuck him over the curtain for a quick second so I could see him.

I'm pretty sure everyone in the OR knew our story and they were all so kind. The nurse who was taking care of Cameron brought him over to me so I could see him and give him a kiss. I will never forget that. It was after that moment that the tears started. The relief that Cameron was here, the sadness that we never got to have this with Ryan.

The C-section went very well. No issues with scar tissue from the previous surgeries. Finally I was able to hold Cameron as I was wheeled into recovery. I was able to put him skin to skin once we were in there. It was amazing. I didn't have that with AJ or Ryan so this was so special.

Cameron is the spitting image of AJ. From the moment he was born you could see it. He loves to cuddle with his mama and sleeps like a champ on his daddy's chest. His biggest brother is so in love with him and can't wait for him to be able to play. He gets more kisses throughout the day than I can count.

We are so, so lucky to have him in our family.

Day after tomorrow

The day after tomorrow will be Cameron's birthday, unless he has other plans. But, I've already told him he missed the boat to come early. Dr. F isn't working at the hospital till Wednesday when she's there to deliver him so he just needs to wait it out.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of being pregnant. The kicks and the squirms. I'm also so ready to have him here. (and getting his little butt out from where my gall bladder used to be). His room is 98% done. Our hospital bag is packed. There is baby gear all over the house and we even put up the Christmas tree yesterday.

Speaking of Christmas...we stopped at the mall yesterday. I forgot that Santa was there already (and had been for the last 3 weeks?!) AJ was excited to go say hi. What a change from past years. So we got in line and he waited patiently. Finally it was his turn. He went right over and hopped on his lap. He told Santa what he wants for Christmas. Santa asked if we were taking a picture today. We told him we'd be back in a few weeks after little brother Cameron was here. Santa asked when I was due. When we answered Wednesday he replied "An early Christmas present for you!" You have no idea Santa...

Tomorrow will be a day of last minute things to get done. It'll also be one last trip to see Ryan for a little bit. I think that's probably what's making me so anxious. Winter is hard as it is but to add in the craziness that comes with a new baby it's going to be tough. And I know people say "you can talk to Ryan anywhere". I'm not looking for comments to make me feel better. The cemetery is my place to go to feel close to him. I talk and make sure everything is as it should be. It's the one place I feel like I can physically take care of him.

Missing you tons, sweet boy. Thanks for all of the signs lately. They've helped more than you will ever know.

Love you. Forever and a day.

A season full of rainbows

When I first started looking for people to connect with after Ryan was born I turned to the internet. After being painfully unsuccessful trying to find someone to talk to in person it was the next best option. Thank God for the on-line groups I found. I so badly needed and wanted to hear someone say "me too". I needed to know that everything that I was feeling was "normal" and I wasn't losing my mind on top of everything that had already happened.

When you join any kind of new on-line community there's often new terminology to learn. They're either abbreviations to make typing faster and easier or new terms for things that you may not have heard before joining.

This was the case for me when I joined pregnancy loss groups. I kept hearing people referring to "rainbows" or "rainbow babies". I had never heard that term before. Here's the definition from UrbanDictionary.com

 A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. (or infant loss)
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

In the F2F group we're in a season of rainbows. There are 5 or 6 of us who have either had their rainbow baby in the last couple of months or who are pregnant. A little baby boom!

Yesterday a good friend had her rainbow and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. We've gone through our pregnancies together, which has saved my sanity many days. I can't find the words to describe what it's like to see the smiles on the parent's faces. I spent a good bit of yesterday just staring at those pictures. You can see so many emotions in just one photo. It's really amazing. I can't wait to get to meet baby V. After all she could be my future daughter-in-law ;) We've already got plans for Cameron! Ha! Who wouldn't want K&T as in-laws?!

Can't wait to meet the rest of the rainbows and I hope everyone in the group gets to experience it. If anyone deserves it it's these women. <3

Edited to add: And I don't think it's any coincidence that just as I hit "post" the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" came on Pandora. <3

November

November is here. It seemed so very far away in the beginning of the pregnancy. But here we are. We made it. We had a few minor bumps along the way but as of today we are 26 days away from meeting Cameron.

I've been nesting like crazy lately. I was cleaning the other day and AJ asked me who was coming over. Yes I go cleaning crazy when people are coming to visit but I swear I clean in the in between too!

We've been working on Cameron's room. You might think it's easy to decorate and just put up furniture. Some days it is. Other days I feel like it's a jinx - like if I do too much something is going to go wrong. I was hesitant to have Nick put the crib together. It sat idle in the room after Ryan was born. A big reminder of what should have been. Just like the double stroller that we had. That stroller haunted me but I hope that the family who bought it is getting use out of it.

My mom was nice enough to buy us the new double stroller we picked for AJ and Cameron. I still get a little panicked some days when I look at the box in the garage but it's getting better. Every day we get closer to having 2 of the boys in it.

AJ has been a big help getting the room together. He loves helping Nick work with his tools. He immediately runs to his playroom to get his tools and hard hat and goggles. It's pretty stinking cute. He's getting excited to meet his new baby brother. (He asked me the other day how Cameron was going to get out of my belly b/c I don't have a door. Ha!)  Every time we see a baby in a store he "oohs and ahhs". When we meet up with his friends for bowling every week he's always sure to go over and play with B's baby brother. He loves nothing more than making him smile.

I can't wait for AJ to get to come in to my hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time. I made him a new "big brother" t-shirt. And I think we're going to give the one he wore to announce my pregnancy with Ryan to Ryan. We'll hang it on his flagpole. He deserves to "wear" the shirt just as much as AJ does. I still wish we would have had just once picture of AJ and Ryan together. I know he was so young but it's a family picture we won't ever get to have.

It's going to be one emotional day to say the least -- and I can't wait.