Cameron Matthew

This post is long overdue! Life got a little busy on November 27, 2013!

Cameron Matthew was born at 8:12am. The day was exactly what I hoped it would be. I was so thankful to finally have the birth that I had dreamed of.

The morning of the C-section we had a snow storm. No shock there! Nick was smart and hired a guy to plow our driveway this year and let me tell you how much of a help it was as we left at 5am. We got to the hospital around 5:30 and headed in. We checked in (our file was the one covered in post-its -- "don't put in triage" among others).

We were put in the room that we had been in the week before on our trip to triage. My bp was high and they had me go in to get checked out. Thankfully all was well.

We had the nicest nurse who helped us get changed, got my iv started and tried (in vain) to get a good strip on Cameron from the monitor. He was such a mover and a shaker she pretty much had to sit on my bed and hold the belt on me and move it with him. Ha!

Not long after we were settled our nurse Dawn came in. She's been so wonderful to us since Ryan was born. She took such great care of us that night and has continued to do so ever since. Once I had my C-section date the first thing I did was send Dawn a message. She usually works nights but I was really hoping she'd be able to be there when Cameron was born. She switched her schedule around to be there with us. She even brought a gift for Cameron!

Dr. F came in a few minutes later. She was just as excited as we were! She's been there for us the whole two and a half years since Ryan was born. We wouldn't have gotten through it without her. She went over how everything would go and before we knew it we were walking to the OR.

Dr. F held my hands as I got my spinal. After that everything went so fast. They laid me on the table and got everything else prepped. Dawn was right by my side as Nick was brought into the room. Dr. F talked to us throughout.

At 8:12am Cameron was born yelling! It was the most beautiful sound. We all waited 39 weeks to hear that. Dr. F stuck him over the curtain for a quick second so I could see him.

I'm pretty sure everyone in the OR knew our story and they were all so kind. The nurse who was taking care of Cameron brought him over to me so I could see him and give him a kiss. I will never forget that. It was after that moment that the tears started. The relief that Cameron was here, the sadness that we never got to have this with Ryan.

The C-section went very well. No issues with scar tissue from the previous surgeries. Finally I was able to hold Cameron as I was wheeled into recovery. I was able to put him skin to skin once we were in there. It was amazing. I didn't have that with AJ or Ryan so this was so special.

Cameron is the spitting image of AJ. From the moment he was born you could see it. He loves to cuddle with his mama and sleeps like a champ on his daddy's chest. His biggest brother is so in love with him and can't wait for him to be able to play. He gets more kisses throughout the day than I can count.

We are so, so lucky to have him in our family.

Day after tomorrow

The day after tomorrow will be Cameron's birthday, unless he has other plans. But, I've already told him he missed the boat to come early. Dr. F isn't working at the hospital till Wednesday when she's there to deliver him so he just needs to wait it out.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of being pregnant. The kicks and the squirms. I'm also so ready to have him here. (and getting his little butt out from where my gall bladder used to be). His room is 98% done. Our hospital bag is packed. There is baby gear all over the house and we even put up the Christmas tree yesterday.

Speaking of Christmas...we stopped at the mall yesterday. I forgot that Santa was there already (and had been for the last 3 weeks?!) AJ was excited to go say hi. What a change from past years. So we got in line and he waited patiently. Finally it was his turn. He went right over and hopped on his lap. He told Santa what he wants for Christmas. Santa asked if we were taking a picture today. We told him we'd be back in a few weeks after little brother Cameron was here. Santa asked when I was due. When we answered Wednesday he replied "An early Christmas present for you!" You have no idea Santa...

Tomorrow will be a day of last minute things to get done. It'll also be one last trip to see Ryan for a little bit. I think that's probably what's making me so anxious. Winter is hard as it is but to add in the craziness that comes with a new baby it's going to be tough. And I know people say "you can talk to Ryan anywhere". I'm not looking for comments to make me feel better. The cemetery is my place to go to feel close to him. I talk and make sure everything is as it should be. It's the one place I feel like I can physically take care of him.

Missing you tons, sweet boy. Thanks for all of the signs lately. They've helped more than you will ever know.

Love you. Forever and a day.

A season full of rainbows

When I first started looking for people to connect with after Ryan was born I turned to the internet. After being painfully unsuccessful trying to find someone to talk to in person it was the next best option. Thank God for the on-line groups I found. I so badly needed and wanted to hear someone say "me too". I needed to know that everything that I was feeling was "normal" and I wasn't losing my mind on top of everything that had already happened.

When you join any kind of new on-line community there's often new terminology to learn. They're either abbreviations to make typing faster and easier or new terms for things that you may not have heard before joining.

This was the case for me when I joined pregnancy loss groups. I kept hearing people referring to "rainbows" or "rainbow babies". I had never heard that term before. Here's the definition from UrbanDictionary.com

 A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. (or infant loss)
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

In the F2F group we're in a season of rainbows. There are 5 or 6 of us who have either had their rainbow baby in the last couple of months or who are pregnant. A little baby boom!

Yesterday a good friend had her rainbow and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. We've gone through our pregnancies together, which has saved my sanity many days. I can't find the words to describe what it's like to see the smiles on the parent's faces. I spent a good bit of yesterday just staring at those pictures. You can see so many emotions in just one photo. It's really amazing. I can't wait to get to meet baby V. After all she could be my future daughter-in-law ;) We've already got plans for Cameron! Ha! Who wouldn't want K&T as in-laws?!

Can't wait to meet the rest of the rainbows and I hope everyone in the group gets to experience it. If anyone deserves it it's these women. <3

Edited to add: And I don't think it's any coincidence that just as I hit "post" the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" came on Pandora. <3

November

November is here. It seemed so very far away in the beginning of the pregnancy. But here we are. We made it. We had a few minor bumps along the way but as of today we are 26 days away from meeting Cameron.

I've been nesting like crazy lately. I was cleaning the other day and AJ asked me who was coming over. Yes I go cleaning crazy when people are coming to visit but I swear I clean in the in between too!

We've been working on Cameron's room. You might think it's easy to decorate and just put up furniture. Some days it is. Other days I feel like it's a jinx - like if I do too much something is going to go wrong. I was hesitant to have Nick put the crib together. It sat idle in the room after Ryan was born. A big reminder of what should have been. Just like the double stroller that we had. That stroller haunted me but I hope that the family who bought it is getting use out of it.

My mom was nice enough to buy us the new double stroller we picked for AJ and Cameron. I still get a little panicked some days when I look at the box in the garage but it's getting better. Every day we get closer to having 2 of the boys in it.

AJ has been a big help getting the room together. He loves helping Nick work with his tools. He immediately runs to his playroom to get his tools and hard hat and goggles. It's pretty stinking cute. He's getting excited to meet his new baby brother. (He asked me the other day how Cameron was going to get out of my belly b/c I don't have a door. Ha!)  Every time we see a baby in a store he "oohs and ahhs". When we meet up with his friends for bowling every week he's always sure to go over and play with B's baby brother. He loves nothing more than making him smile.

I can't wait for AJ to get to come in to my hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time. I made him a new "big brother" t-shirt. And I think we're going to give the one he wore to announce my pregnancy with Ryan to Ryan. We'll hang it on his flagpole. He deserves to "wear" the shirt just as much as AJ does. I still wish we would have had just once picture of AJ and Ryan together. I know he was so young but it's a family picture we won't ever get to have.

It's going to be one emotional day to say the least -- and I can't wait.

In a funk

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I thought I was handling the stress pretty well. These last few days I realize I haven't been.

There are big changes with the company that Nick works for. And with those changes come a lot of questions and even fewer answers.

I find myself getting more and more anxious the closer we get to having Cameron here. We're so close (31 weeks today!) but the last week or so I've lost my balance. Lost the balance of preparing for Cameron, being here for AJ and giving Ryan the time he deserves. It seems the lump in my throat has plans to stay around for a while. The tears are so close to the surface and they're just waiting for the smallest trigger to set them free.

We were at story time at the library earlier in the week. There are two little girls whose mom was pregnant. They were there with their grandparents. We figured she had the baby but I'm always a little afraid to ask. Turns out she did. She had a little boy. "Tell them his name" says grandma to one of the little girls. "Matthew Ryan" she says. I honestly don't remember the rest of the conversation b/c I zoned out willing myself not to cry in front of these people. I made it out of the room before the tears came.

I'm missing Ryan so, so badly lately. I think part of it is the time of year. Even without focusing on dates on the calendar the end of Sept always makes me emotional. Ryan's "should have been" due date. It's not a date I really focus on but there are babies that were born in the days right around it and seeing the birthday posts is so bittersweet. This year I hadn't realized until after that that is probably a contributing factor to the funk.

We talk a lot in group about being angry. That seems to be my default. I always end up back at angry. Angry that I'm missing a son. Angry that I can't completely enjoy the pregnancy with Cameron b/c there's always that nagging fear in the back of my head that something will go wrong. Angry that while I'm dealing with these feelings that I don't have the patience I should have with AJ. Angry that I feel like I'm trying my best to be a good mom to all of my boys and I'm failing. Failing because I feel overwhelmed and I can't keep my brain from racing -- and even worse, I don't know how to fix it. Usually a good cry will do it. Been there, done that. Temporary fix.

So what do I do? Get up every morning and hope that each day the funk lifts a little. And try to remember that I need to be gentle with myself. Being a mom to 3 boys in all different places isn't easy and I'm doing the best I can -- and that has to be good enough.

Remembering

Like so many people I can remember where I was this day 12 years ago. I was sitting in a basement classroom in college waiting for class to start. I had finished my first class and this was the second. A woman in the class was just arriving on campus. She sat down next to me and said that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. At that point the reports were that it was a small airplane, not a commercial jetliner. My first thought was "how the hell do you crash into a building?"

I didn't think much more about it during class. When class was done and we all made our way upstairs we could see people in the lounge gathered around a tv. Something about the expressions on their faces and how silent everyone was made me go in the room.

"What's going on?" I asked another student in the room. She said two planes had hit the World Trade Center. Two?! And I could tell from the damage this was no small plane as originally reported. I stood staring at the tv screen confused. Where were they shooting this video from? The angle is so strange. I can't see the other tower. I didn't realize it had already fallen until a few seconds later when the second tower collapsed as well. I can remember a girl in the lounge crying that her dad worked there and she didn't know where he was. Her words snapped me back to reality. My dad worked there too. He was there for the '93 bombing too. All of a sudden I felt the panic. I had to get home. When the '93 attacks happened my dad left a message on our answering machine that he was ok and getting out of there. I was hoping for the same this time.

I don't really remember the drive home. There weren't many cars on the road but the one thing I did notice was there were no planes in the sky. Living only 25 minutes from Kennedy airport you hear and see a lot of planes throughout the day. There was nothing but blue skies that day.

I got home and there was no message. I tried to call my stepmom. The circuits were so busy from so many people trying to make calls I couldn't get the call to go through. I kept trying. I finally got through. She didn't know where he was. That was the first time I ever heard her cry.

Hours passed and we all sat glued to the tv watching the replay of what happened that morning. I was scheduled to go into work that afternoon. Thankfully we finally heard from my dad. He had to walk over one of the bridges to get out of Manhattan. He was safe.

I wish I could say that everyone had the same fortune. I still think about that girl in the lounge at school. I wonder if she was as lucky as we were.

As the days passed we learned of more and more people who went to work and didn't get to come home. Two firefighters who lived just blocks away from us never came home. More civilians from our town never came home.

Today I remember and am thankful but I wish everyone could have had the outcome we did.

Viability

In the OB world 23 weeks is the point of viability. Where, if your child is born, they will take measures to help your child survive.

Today we are 23 weeks and 2 days. In a way I feel like there's been a bit of a weight lifted. I can't even begin to explain the feeling of helplessness when there is nothing that can be done to save your child. To know what the end result will be and you just have to let it happen. That's not in any mother's DNA.

We have no reason to believe that Cameron will be born short of full term but I feel some relief knowing that if, God forbid, he is born early he's got a chance.

There's another mom who I bet knows this helplessness. Her baby girl was diagnosed with a terrible disease last year and today she lost her battle. I don't know them personally but have followed their blog since it started. So in your prayers tonight please be sure to include Quinn, her mom, dad and two big brothers.