21+5

Today I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same as I was when we had Ryan. If you want to be technical about it I'm already further along with Cameron than I made it with Ryan. I only got to the "5 days" because it was five minutes after midnight when Ryan was born.

This has been a milestone that has been on my radar since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know why it holds so much weight but it does. I have no reason to believe that there will be any issues during this pregnancy. My doc is watching me closely and everything looks perfect. Today is one of those dates on the calendar that I want to come and go. It brings up so many memories. I've been having flashbacks lately. I'm immediately brought back to the hospital room, to the funeral home, trying to say goodbye to a son after we barely had a chance to say hello.

After Ryan was born I had to find a balance of being a grieving mom. I had to learn how to take care of AJ and grieve Ryan. That is not an easy balance at all but eventually I learned some "tricks" to make it a little easier on myself. Some days it's still very hard but we manage. With this pregnancy I'm trying to find yet another balance. How do I take care of AJ, who is very invested in this pregnancy, continue to honor and miss Ryan and be excited for Cameron's arrival? Some days I can't do it all and the guilt of feeling like I can't give my three boys the attention they all need and deserve is overwhelming.

Thank God for our F2F group. I've got some of the best resources! Moms who have been there or are going through the same thing I am. I don't know where I'd be without their support, their specific "I've been there" kind of support.

The Proud Mama

I am one proud Mama. AJ is (finally!) potty trained. He was totally capable of doing it on his own for quite a while now but he really needed that push to finally get him to do it and stick with it. Nick and I told him no more diapers and that was it. He had two accidents in the first two days and has been (knock on wood) accident free since then.

I can't believe he's going to be starting preschool in September. That's just crazy to me. Yesterday was his half birthday. We officially have a 3.5 year old. A can-be-super-spunky-when-he-wants-to-be 3.5 year old. We never really went through the terrible twos but oh, the three's. They have their moments! Thankfully he always goes back to his loving self. The one who likes to give me raspberries and sing along to the radio and the one who loves to find coins on the ground where ever we go.

And Ryan I know that's you. Or grandma. Or maybe both. I've been a little sad since we moved to the new house. We see tons of "wildlife" --  deer, snakes, turtles and birds but I've yet to see a bunny. I thought for sure with all the green space in our backyard and beyond that there has to be some bunnies. If there are I haven't seen any. But you always find a way to let us know you're around. AJ has found more coins on the ground in the month that we've moved than he has in the last year. And to see his face and how excited he is when he does, it's really something special. I think he's happier finding the pennies than he would be if he found $10. He always immediately shows us and puts it away in his pocket so he can "feed his piggy" when we get back home. And maybe that's they way it should be. Maybe AJ should be getting the "signs" now. Maybe it's his turn to get to know you better -- although when he was little I swore he knew you better than we did. I'm proud of you, sweet boy, proud of you for reaching out to your big brother. But just so you know...I'm not going to stop looking for those bunnies.

Another proud Mama moment isn't just mine. In our F2F group we are all proud Mama's and this last meeting I think gave us all a little boost. We had a few new people attend. We always hate that there are new people who are looking to join the group. It still cuts to the core that another family has experienced a loss but we're always thankful that they've reached out and they can come to get support. All of our Mama's have come such a long way. I can remember many of their first meetings and to now see them offering support to new attendees is something special. One of the new couple's told us that they received a flash drive with 90 pictures on it of their baby girl from the hospital. I think that all made us smile. It was one of the flash drives that F2F donated. Pretty amazing what something so small can do, isn't it?



I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

This is going to be a loooooong one!

I can't believe it's been so long since I updated. So much has happened!

Let's start with our trip to Florida. Disney was amazing. We all had a fantastic time. Seeing AJ's face when he got to meet his favorite characters was worth a million bucks. He didn't stop talking about who he met that day and the rides he went on. He got his autograph book signed and we did a character breakfast. I think by far his favorite was Hollywood Studios. It had all of his favorite Disney Jr. characters as well as all the PIXAR movie characters.

I was worried that the trip was going to be overshadowed by my missing Ryan. I had my moments for sure but it was always answered by a sign from my sweet boy. There was one moment in particular that stands out. Nick and AJ were riding the carousel in Magic Kingdom and there I was waiting for them in the sea of strollers. I couldn't help but feel sad that I should have had Ryan waiting there with me. My eyes started to well up with tears. I tried to compose myself and decided to move to a different spot. Just then someone caught my eye. There was a big, burly Disney employee lumbering his was past me. Maybe it was his size that caught my attention, I'm not sure. It was almost as if he were out of place. He walked past me close enough that I could see his name tag. "Ryan". Of course. He was there with me after all.

After Disney we spent a few days at Nick's parent's house. It was beautiful. We had a great trip and it was nice to get away from the not so nice Rochester weather for a while.

In the middle of our Disney vacation we were also trying to buy and sell our house. We had put a contingent offer on a house that was beautiful. We eventually got bumped but only a few days later we received a full price offer on our house! After a few more viewings we found a house we loved and put an offer. We got it! We moved 5/24 and it's been great. I LOVE my new kitchen and AJ has lots of room to play. We've got a nice backyard that we see deer in every day. The neighborhood is really nice too. All of our neighbors came over to say hello and welcome to the neighborhood. It was such a nice change from the old house! I think we're going to have a lot of wonderful memories made here.  (I'll be sure to post some pictures as soon as I find the camera!)

We celebrated Ryan's second birthday on May 21st. The weekend before was the March for Babies Walk. All of our family came to walk again. What a beautiful weekend it was. The weather was perfect and because our house was packed up we had our annual BBQ at Park Point. It couldn't have turned out any better. The kids enjoyed themselves, some in the sand and some in the pool. There was lots of food and our families got to meet some of my F2F ladies and their families.

The walk was another beautiful day. Face 2 Face had a table set up and many of our group came to walk all together. I'm proud to say that Ryan's Racers raised even more than last year! This years total (as of right now) is $7,750. AMAZING.

Face 2 Face is doing really well too. Tomorrow we're hosting (along with Highland Hospital) a balloon release at Highland Park. A press release went out to the newspaper and there was a really beautiful article written in the paper on Tuesday. We're hoping to have a great turnout. It's pretty amazing what can be done with limited funds! Imagine what we could do if we had a bank account?! We're working on that too. Looks like getting the 501(c)3 turned over to us from the other organization isn't going to happen. There seems to be one person who doesn't want it transferred. Why in the world you'd rather it sit idle instead of helping people is beyond me. That won't stop us though.

It's been busy, busy, busy! I hope it's not months again before another update!


I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.  

Heaven's got a plan for you

This post is going to make me sound like a whiny brat. Lucy's mom once said that she wished adults could have a good temper tantrum every now and again. Here's my tantrum.

I fully believe that there is a plan. It's not my plan, no matter how hard I try to be in control. I really hate the saying "everything happens for a reason" but I'm sure in some way certain things happen or don't happen in order for things to be the way they need to be.

That doesn't mean that I like it or accept it. Sometimes I just wish things didn't seem so damn hard. I want things to go smoothly, easily. I try so hard to be hopeful and confident but you can only be like that for too long before you really start to wonder and get angry. I'm not a patient person to start with.

There are things that I want and have wanted for a looooong time. No matter what I do I can't seem to make that work. It's frustrating as hell.

Tomorrow we're leaving for Disney. I should be so excited that I can't sleep. AJ's first time being in such a magical place. It's a child's rite of passage. Who doesn't remember their first time to Disney? All I can think about tonight is how Ryan should be going with us. I wonder what character would be his favorite. Would he like seeing the characters in the parks? Or would he be scared? What would he look like with those Mickey ears? He would be my little buddy waiting with me while Nick and AJ went on the rides.  Would AJ be excited to show his little brother around? What stuffed animal would he pick as a souvenir and sleep with that night? The thoughts go on and on... I know we'll go and have a great time and I won't be sad the whole time. There will be bittersweet moments, just like always. I also know I'll get a sign to know that he's there with us. He does take care of me in that way. I always seem to get one when I need it.

I guess this is one of those times when I'm really angry at the plan. I wanted the chance to do things as a complete family.


I love you so much sweet boy. I miss you like crazy. Forever and a day.

Senseless

How one person can inflict such a tremendous amount of pain is beyond me. I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out what was wrong with the monster who did this.

All I can think about is there are more than twenty families who will never be the same people they were at 9am this morning. In a matter of minutes their worlds have been forever changed. The equivalent of a classroom full of people, their lives taken, just like that, in an instant.

The parents left to forever think about their unfinished lives. The futures that were supposed to happen, won't. Graduations, weddings...

I hate that children can't even go to school and be safe.

I feel terrible for the parents of all of the children in the school. I know the fog that some are going through and I can't imagine the helpless feelings of the parents of survivors. Childhood was ripped away.

I mourn with those parents and for the children. No one should ever lose a child, especially at another's hand and in a place that is supposed to be safe.

Ryan's tree and happy birthday to me!

I'll fully admit that I was in no rush to get our Christmas tree up and decorated this year. I knew it would get done but for about a week there was always a good excuse not to. Christmas isn't what it had been in the past. How could it be when we're missing Ryan so much? It's like being pulled in two directions. Of course I want AJ to have all of the Christmas excitement but it's not easy for me. I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago in the mall just picking up our new stockings.

My mom was visiting and wanted to get Ryan a tree to put at the cemetery. Last year my sister picked one up and decorated it with mini-ornaments from her family and my mom. It was beautiful. So off my mom went. She came home with a three foot tree! While it was too big to put at the cemetery she suggested we keep it here if we wanted. I thought about it. Ryan has enough ornaments to fill it so we decided to keep it. We went out and bought some lights (I gave AJ the choice of white or colors -- he picked the colors) and a few more ornaments. I have to say I LOVED decorating that tree. It felt so good feeling like I was doing something especially for him. His ornaments aren't "lost" on our big tree. And possibly the best part...AJ loves it too. He usually wakes up and wants to turn the lights on and says "What a beautiful tree Mama". Melts my heart.

Ryan's beautiful tree

 It was my birthday on Sunday. I had a really nice day. My sister and her family came over for breakfast. In the early afternoon we went and dropped off our gifts for our adopted family. I really enjoyed explaining to AJ what we were doing. He seemed to understand and was ok parting with the toys that he wanted to play with so badly for two weeks. After that AJ (and Nick) napped so I took advantage and went to the cemetery. I spent a little time and hung the ornament I got Ryan. After that we went out to a nice dinner. Nick and AJ sang happy birthday (a few times!) and before I knew it the day was over.

Say spaghetti and meatballs!

I got so many birthday wishes on facebook and in the mail. Thank you to everyone! It made the day really special.


I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

18 months

I think about what you would be like at 18 months old. AJ was so funny. He was quite the character. I have no doubt that you would be the same way. Getting into things, trying to keep up with big brother and making that "how can you not love me" face.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and while I have so much to be thankful for I don't really feel like celebrating. The holidays aren't the same anymore. I'm not sure they ever will be.

The holiday season brings up a lot of emotions but lately the one that seems to be there the most is hard to explain. It's almost as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. I pray to God it's just part of the anxiety that the holidays bring but it's hard to shake.

I'm missing you terribly sweet boy. Seeing how interested AJ is in babies and younger kids just breaks my heart. You're both missing out on so much. We're all missing out on so much. I'd give anything to have a few more minutes with you.

I love you so much, sweet boy. Forever and a day.