Dear Ryan,
I know you've been around lately. There have been so many signs the last three days. First I saw a new baby bunny chomping on some grass right outside of your garden. He would fit in the palm of my hand, much like you did. He reminded me of the one I saw when I was pregnant with you. That's why I always associate the bunnies with you.
We were all outside the other afternoon and there was this butterfly flying right around us. Then we came in and watched tv and there was a commercial for a business named "Ryan's".
I don't know if there's something you're trying to tell me or if you're just saying a big hello. I love feeling you close but at the same time it makes me miss you more.
Last night I saw that same baby bunny and my heart just ached. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you one more time or feel a kick one more time.
Some nights when I'm missing really badly you my arm physically hurts with emptiness. The arm that should be holding you. It gets so bad that it keeps me awake.
We think about you and talk about you all the time. Thank you for letting me know you're thinking about us too.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Love,
Mom
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Playtime
Me and AJ have made some friends from our local playgroup. We've been having weekly play dates while the playgroup is on break. It's been a lot of fun for the kids and the moms. I know I enjoy the adult interaction and AJ enjoys seeing his buddies. Today we hosted. We spent the day outside. The moms sitting in the shade under the tree and the kids playing in the little pool. I love watching the kids interact with each other. They can be so funny.
I was always so worried that my lack of friend making abilities would hinder AJ while growing up. I guess I just needed to meet the right people. It's amazing how having kids can help things along.
The same goes for Ryan. I've met some great friends because of Ryan. And the list is growing. We met Lucy's mom and dad after the social worker at the hospital emailed me. We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. We've been emailing back and forth too. I wish they didn't become our friends for the reason they did but I'm glad to know them no matter the reason.
Seeing the kids playing in the yard made me think...I wonder if as we connect with people here, does Ryan connect with them up there? Or maybe it's the other way around?
I wonder if Hayden and Ethan welcomed Ryan and brought us moms together. Or did the boys meet after we did? I guess it really doesn't matter how it happens....but I think it does happen.
This afternoon I was cleaning some things in the kitchen and I was watching two bunnies out the window in the yard. They were playing around all of the toys strewn across the grass. It looked like they were playing tag. One would run towards the other and the second one would jump straight up in the air to get away. It was comical. I wondered if that's what AJ and Ryan would have been like playing together. Would Ryan be chasing after his big brother? Maybe the other way around? AJ loves the little ones...I have a feeling he would have been all over his little bro. I try really hard not to do the "what-ifs or should-have-been" but sometimes it's just so hard. I wish I had the chance to see them together.
I miss you so, so much sweet boy. I love you. Forever and a day.
I was always so worried that my lack of friend making abilities would hinder AJ while growing up. I guess I just needed to meet the right people. It's amazing how having kids can help things along.
The same goes for Ryan. I've met some great friends because of Ryan. And the list is growing. We met Lucy's mom and dad after the social worker at the hospital emailed me. We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. We've been emailing back and forth too. I wish they didn't become our friends for the reason they did but I'm glad to know them no matter the reason.
Seeing the kids playing in the yard made me think...I wonder if as we connect with people here, does Ryan connect with them up there? Or maybe it's the other way around?
I wonder if Hayden and Ethan welcomed Ryan and brought us moms together. Or did the boys meet after we did? I guess it really doesn't matter how it happens....but I think it does happen.
This afternoon I was cleaning some things in the kitchen and I was watching two bunnies out the window in the yard. They were playing around all of the toys strewn across the grass. It looked like they were playing tag. One would run towards the other and the second one would jump straight up in the air to get away. It was comical. I wondered if that's what AJ and Ryan would have been like playing together. Would Ryan be chasing after his big brother? Maybe the other way around? AJ loves the little ones...I have a feeling he would have been all over his little bro. I try really hard not to do the "what-ifs or should-have-been" but sometimes it's just so hard. I wish I had the chance to see them together.
I miss you so, so much sweet boy. I love you. Forever and a day.
Ryan's Walk!!
Here are some pictures from the March of Babies Walk. The slideshow is the only way I could get them to post.
Enjoy!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Fifty Shades of Gray...
...hair. These damn little buggers keep popping up and I don't like it! I got a couple after I had AJ but it was seriously a couple. Two and that was it.
Granted I've been through a lot over the last year but don't I have enough physical reminders? How about that oh-so-lovely 8" scar down my belly? Or the scars from all the IV pokes and blood draws? Do I really need gray hair too? And why is it that it's always those hairs that are extra kinky and don't stay where I put them? They're always the ones sticking straight up and out.
Why don't I pull them you ask? Isn't there a saying if you pull out a gray hair you get three more? I definitely don't need any more!
I have to tell you what a comedian AJ is. The stuff that he comes out with lately, I can't even believe. He hears something once and he remembers it. Then he uses it in the correct context. I find myself asking "where did you learn that?" quite a bit. We haven't had any 4 letter words yet (thank goodness!). We've been really trying to be careful!
One of my favorite things he says lately -- one of his bedtime stories is Moo, Baa, La La La. It goes through the animals sounds. When we get to the horse and I ask him what it says he says "giddy up cowboy". I like it. "Neigh" is over-rated!
And oh how he's been testing us lately. He's been showing his "2-ness". Time outs have become part of our day. Not too often but they're there. I can't complain though he's really good most of the time. He's been playing with other kids a lot more too. I love seeing him talk to other kids. The older girls always seem to like him.
I went to JoAnn Fabric today because they had some good sales on the fleece for the blankets I've been making. I always check the remnant bin when I'm there and I scored big-time! I got a whole bag full of fabric for only $15. I'm going to get so many blankets out of that! Love it!
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Granted I've been through a lot over the last year but don't I have enough physical reminders? How about that oh-so-lovely 8" scar down my belly? Or the scars from all the IV pokes and blood draws? Do I really need gray hair too? And why is it that it's always those hairs that are extra kinky and don't stay where I put them? They're always the ones sticking straight up and out.
Why don't I pull them you ask? Isn't there a saying if you pull out a gray hair you get three more? I definitely don't need any more!
I have to tell you what a comedian AJ is. The stuff that he comes out with lately, I can't even believe. He hears something once and he remembers it. Then he uses it in the correct context. I find myself asking "where did you learn that?" quite a bit. We haven't had any 4 letter words yet (thank goodness!). We've been really trying to be careful!
One of my favorite things he says lately -- one of his bedtime stories is Moo, Baa, La La La. It goes through the animals sounds. When we get to the horse and I ask him what it says he says "giddy up cowboy". I like it. "Neigh" is over-rated!
And oh how he's been testing us lately. He's been showing his "2-ness". Time outs have become part of our day. Not too often but they're there. I can't complain though he's really good most of the time. He's been playing with other kids a lot more too. I love seeing him talk to other kids. The older girls always seem to like him.
I went to JoAnn Fabric today because they had some good sales on the fleece for the blankets I've been making. I always check the remnant bin when I'm there and I scored big-time! I got a whole bag full of fabric for only $15. I'm going to get so many blankets out of that! Love it!
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ryan's Birthday
We had such a beautiful weekend celebrating Ryan's birthday and the March for Babies Walk. I'm grateful that they fall on the same weekend. It really allows us to celebrate an entire weekend.
We all had a wonderful time at the walk. I'll update more on that when I get some pictures uploaded.
On Ryan's actual birthday (5/21) me, Nick and AJ spent the day together. In the morning we went to say thank you to a couple of people that have helped us this last year. One we haven't seen since last May and one is a new friend.
After that we stopped at the store and picked out some balloons to bring to Ryan along with the birthday flag and teddy bear I had picked up a few months ago. We also brought the lantern that Hayden's mom had given us. On the way out of the store Nick was holding the balloons. A butterfly flew and tried to land on the yellow one. Nick moved (he's not a fan on of anything landing on him!) and it tried again. It fluttered around for a few more seconds and went on its way. I smiled. I knew it was him. I knew he was there and I knew he liked the balloons.
The lantern was great. We lit it and it floated like a hot air balloon. After we were sure it had floated high enough and wasn't going to burn Rochester down (!) we watched it soar.
Later in the afternoon we took AJ to Build A Bear. He had never been. We wanted to take him somewhere special where we would come out with something he could have to remember the day. We looked over the options. They had bears, puppies, monkeys and more. AJ decided that he wanted to make "a froggie". They had the Muppets that you could make. He chose Kermit.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
We all had a wonderful time at the walk. I'll update more on that when I get some pictures uploaded.
On Ryan's actual birthday (5/21) me, Nick and AJ spent the day together. In the morning we went to say thank you to a couple of people that have helped us this last year. One we haven't seen since last May and one is a new friend.
After that we stopped at the store and picked out some balloons to bring to Ryan along with the birthday flag and teddy bear I had picked up a few months ago. We also brought the lantern that Hayden's mom had given us. On the way out of the store Nick was holding the balloons. A butterfly flew and tried to land on the yellow one. Nick moved (he's not a fan on of anything landing on him!) and it tried again. It fluttered around for a few more seconds and went on its way. I smiled. I knew it was him. I knew he was there and I knew he liked the balloons.
 |
| The best big brother |
 |
| starting to float |
 |
| there it goes! |
 |
| glad it kept going and didn't burn anything down! |
 |
| Happy Birthday Ryan! |
 |
| an "I'm 1" balloon and of course we had to get a Toy Story balloon! |
Later in the afternoon we took AJ to Build A Bear. He had never been. We wanted to take him somewhere special where we would come out with something he could have to remember the day. We looked over the options. They had bears, puppies, monkeys and more. AJ decided that he wanted to make "a froggie". They had the Muppets that you could make. He chose Kermit.
 |
| Picking the perfect heart for Froggie |
 |
| getting a high-five from Daddy after stuffing Froggie |
 |
| Time for a bath! |
 |
| All done! |
We had a really nice day. It was definitely more happy than sad. I will miss Ryan for the rest of my life, but on this day I got to think about all of the wonderful things that have happened because of him.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Happy Birthday
Dear Ryan,
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! I can't believe it's been a year. I don't know how it could go so slowly and so quickly all at once. Last May I couldn't think about this day. It seemed like a lifetime away and I didn't know how we were going to make it there.
Well, here we are. We had a fantastic weekend celebrating you. On Saturday we had a big BBQ in your honor. Family from out of state traveled to be here. Friends from the area came too. The weather was 80 degrees and sunny. It was perfection. Nonna took care of cooking and me and daddy got to relax and enjoy the party. AJ had fun with Cole in the pool and Brynn was her smiley self.
Sunday was the March for Babies Walk. Our team came in second place in fundraising for the family teams! We finished at $7,575! A long way from the $1,000 goal we started with. Again the weather was perfect. I got to see Ethan's mom and Hayden's mom there. We all had so much family support. It was really wonderful. Everyone had a great time.
Today we're going to do some special things too. We're going to see someone who helped us so much after you were born and who took such good care of you. We're going to see some new friends who mean a lot to me and daddy. We'll probably go with AJ and make a Build-A-Bear and I'm going to contact the lady to get the blankets I made donated in your name. Of course we're going to stop and bring you some balloons and the special birthday flag and bear we bought. I hope you enjoy all of them.
I didn't think I could make it a year without you here and I owe a lot of that to daddy. When we got married I didn't think I could be more in love with him. Then we had AJ and again, I didn't think I could be more in love with him. Then you were born and I loved him even more, but today I think I love him the most. He's taken such good care of all of us this last year. He's the best teammate anyone could ask for and I'm so glad he's ours.
I want to thank you too. You've done so much for us. Thank you for saving me. I'd give anything to have you back but I know you truly are my angel. Thank you for always looking out for us. I know you do and thank you for the signs you send. I know I ask for them a lot but they mean the world to me. Thank you for helping me get to where I am today. I'm a better mom to AJ and I'm more involved in a wonderful organization. I live life wanting to make you proud and that has made me a better person.
I hope Ethan, Hayden, Anthony and Grandma throw you one heck of a party! Keep an eye out for our lantern :) We'll be sending it your way later.
I love you so much sweet boy. Happy Birthday.
Forever and a day,
Love,
Mom
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! I can't believe it's been a year. I don't know how it could go so slowly and so quickly all at once. Last May I couldn't think about this day. It seemed like a lifetime away and I didn't know how we were going to make it there.
Well, here we are. We had a fantastic weekend celebrating you. On Saturday we had a big BBQ in your honor. Family from out of state traveled to be here. Friends from the area came too. The weather was 80 degrees and sunny. It was perfection. Nonna took care of cooking and me and daddy got to relax and enjoy the party. AJ had fun with Cole in the pool and Brynn was her smiley self.
Sunday was the March for Babies Walk. Our team came in second place in fundraising for the family teams! We finished at $7,575! A long way from the $1,000 goal we started with. Again the weather was perfect. I got to see Ethan's mom and Hayden's mom there. We all had so much family support. It was really wonderful. Everyone had a great time.
Today we're going to do some special things too. We're going to see someone who helped us so much after you were born and who took such good care of you. We're going to see some new friends who mean a lot to me and daddy. We'll probably go with AJ and make a Build-A-Bear and I'm going to contact the lady to get the blankets I made donated in your name. Of course we're going to stop and bring you some balloons and the special birthday flag and bear we bought. I hope you enjoy all of them.
I didn't think I could make it a year without you here and I owe a lot of that to daddy. When we got married I didn't think I could be more in love with him. Then we had AJ and again, I didn't think I could be more in love with him. Then you were born and I loved him even more, but today I think I love him the most. He's taken such good care of all of us this last year. He's the best teammate anyone could ask for and I'm so glad he's ours.
I want to thank you too. You've done so much for us. Thank you for saving me. I'd give anything to have you back but I know you truly are my angel. Thank you for always looking out for us. I know you do and thank you for the signs you send. I know I ask for them a lot but they mean the world to me. Thank you for helping me get to where I am today. I'm a better mom to AJ and I'm more involved in a wonderful organization. I live life wanting to make you proud and that has made me a better person.
I hope Ethan, Hayden, Anthony and Grandma throw you one heck of a party! Keep an eye out for our lantern :) We'll be sending it your way later.
I love you so much sweet boy. Happy Birthday.
Forever and a day,
Love,
Mom
Friday, May 18, 2012
Ten
I've been spending a lot of time at the cemetery these last two weeks. It's as if something is pulling me there. It feels like it did last year. The weather is beautiful, a slight breeze and shining sun. Often I go and just sit. It gives me a chance to think and my mind usually just wanders from one thing to another.
Last week there was a new baby in the section. Then only 3 days later there was another. It's heartbreaking. Once the temporary markers were placed I learned that it wasn't two babies it was actually three. A set of twins and a singleton.
That makes ten babies that have been buried since Ryan. We're just under a year.
People might think I'm a little over the top with the fundraising and my involvement with the March of Dimes. I walk not only for Ryan but for Ethan, Hayden, Sarah, Colton, Anthony, Ainsley & Evelyn and the ten babies that have joined Ryan in the Christ Child section of Holy Sepulchre Cemetery. Those children are all the motivation I need.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Last week there was a new baby in the section. Then only 3 days later there was another. It's heartbreaking. Once the temporary markers were placed I learned that it wasn't two babies it was actually three. A set of twins and a singleton.
That makes ten babies that have been buried since Ryan. We're just under a year.
People might think I'm a little over the top with the fundraising and my involvement with the March of Dimes. I walk not only for Ryan but for Ethan, Hayden, Sarah, Colton, Anthony, Ainsley & Evelyn and the ten babies that have joined Ryan in the Christ Child section of Holy Sepulchre Cemetery. Those children are all the motivation I need.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
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