I was not looking forward to Mother's Day this year. I couldn't help but think about what I was doing last year. I had just gotten to the point where I could walk without a walker. I was on a gluten-free diet. My appendix had ruptured about a week before, but we didn't know that's what it was. But I was still pregnant. Ryan was still doing fine, kicking away.
I didn't want to spend the day without him. I don't want to spend any day without him. How do you celebrate being a mom without one of your kids? As usual the anticipation of the day was a lot worse than the day itself. Saturday I was a mess. Plain and simple. A. Freaking. Mess. I was on auto-pilot all day and I was still having trouble.
I woke up this morning and already felt a lot better than I had the day before. There was hope for the day. I was going to do my best to enjoy the day with Nick and AJ. We all had a nice breakfast and took care of a few things around the house before heading to the Lilac Festival. AJ was so excited to take the school bus over.
We had a really nice time while we were there. AJ went on a few rides and got some popcorn. We walked around looking at the crafts and other vendors. It couldn't have been a better day weather-wise either.
After the festival we went to lunch and did a little shopping. The day was wonderful. After spending time with Nick and AJ I wanted to go spend a little time with Ryan. I was just there yesterday but I wanted to go again.
The cemetery was busy, as expected. There wasn't anyone in the section when I got there. As I'm there I realized something didn't look quite right. I thought the same thing yesterday but with my head in such a fog I couldn't figure out what it was. Today it clicked. The ladybug on a stake that we had there for 350+ days was gone. I was crushed. This is the second item that's gone missing from there. Both items are not things that would have blown away. The ladybug was stuck in the ground! Someone had to actually remove it from the ground. It wasn't in the way of anything. There is NO reason it needed to be touched. I looked in the section and didn't see it anywhere. The office will be getting a call from me tomorrow. I know they can't do anything but they need to know what's going on. What kind of person takes something from a cemetery? And the children's section no less?!
I wish the day didn't end the way it did but I did enjoy the morning and afternoon.
To all you moms out there -- whether your children are in your arms or in your heart, I hope you enjoyed the day.
To my sweet boy, I love you with all of my heart. I miss you. Forever and a day.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Inspirations
I added a new blog to my blog list just a few days ago. I'm sure many of you had heard about it. It's Avery's Bucket List. Avery was born with SMA. Had you heard about SMA before? I already knew what it was. I knew because of a mom who is part of the same on-line community as me. We've been on this website for years and Catherine has been sharing Sophia's story starting with her diagnosis. It was out of this diagnosis that Sophia's Cure was born. This mom (and dad) had just received an awful diagnosis for their sweet baby girl. They didn't let it knock them down, they are fighting back. They've raised so much awareness about this disease and have done AMAZING things to help get funding for a gene therapy that is being developed.
That brings me back to Avery. Avery was also bringing awareness about SMA to the public. Her story and blog were on numerous news outlets throughout the country. Sadly, Avery lost her battle with SMA very suddenly on April 30th. But the awareness continues. Avery's family asked that donations in Avery's name be made to Sophia's Cure towards the gene therapy research. I just got an update that they've collected more than $89,000 in Avery's name since her passing and that number is growing quickly! And even better is that an anonymous donor who had previously donated $400K to SCF pledged to match all donations made in Avery's name up to $500,000!
Those are huge numbers with huge potential. There are so many kids out there still fighting this disease -- Sophia included, she turned 3 years old earlier this year! This has the potential to save so many lives. I can only hope that seeing all of this money raised in Avery's name brings her family a little bit of peace through all of this. I know for me, seeing that total grow after Ryan was born was one of the things that kept me going.
Everyone has been so generous with helping us raise money for the March for Babies Walk in memory of Ryan. What is probably not known is that it was Catherine and Vinny who inspired me to set something up in Ryan's name after he was born. I couldn't sit and let our situation be in vain. I remembered the courage that they had when Sophia was diagnosed. I wanted the same for us. I wanted to make changes. I'm so proud to report that as of today $10,053 have been raised for the March of Dimes in Ryan's name (between the Preemie Band we set up and out fundraising for the MFB Walk). All of that in just under 1 year. Thank you to each and every one of you -- no matter the size of the donation it all means so much.
It's really amazing how much someone you've never met can inspire you. With that, please be inspired. Please take a minute and learn about SMA. Check out the blogs and make a donation. Great things are happening -- don't you want to be a part of that?
That brings me back to Avery. Avery was also bringing awareness about SMA to the public. Her story and blog were on numerous news outlets throughout the country. Sadly, Avery lost her battle with SMA very suddenly on April 30th. But the awareness continues. Avery's family asked that donations in Avery's name be made to Sophia's Cure towards the gene therapy research. I just got an update that they've collected more than $89,000 in Avery's name since her passing and that number is growing quickly! And even better is that an anonymous donor who had previously donated $400K to SCF pledged to match all donations made in Avery's name up to $500,000!
Those are huge numbers with huge potential. There are so many kids out there still fighting this disease -- Sophia included, she turned 3 years old earlier this year! This has the potential to save so many lives. I can only hope that seeing all of this money raised in Avery's name brings her family a little bit of peace through all of this. I know for me, seeing that total grow after Ryan was born was one of the things that kept me going.
Everyone has been so generous with helping us raise money for the March for Babies Walk in memory of Ryan. What is probably not known is that it was Catherine and Vinny who inspired me to set something up in Ryan's name after he was born. I couldn't sit and let our situation be in vain. I remembered the courage that they had when Sophia was diagnosed. I wanted the same for us. I wanted to make changes. I'm so proud to report that as of today $10,053 have been raised for the March of Dimes in Ryan's name (between the Preemie Band we set up and out fundraising for the MFB Walk). All of that in just under 1 year. Thank you to each and every one of you -- no matter the size of the donation it all means so much.
It's really amazing how much someone you've never met can inspire you. With that, please be inspired. Please take a minute and learn about SMA. Check out the blogs and make a donation. Great things are happening -- don't you want to be a part of that?
Friday, April 20, 2012
$5,000
Just a few minutes ago I received an email. The subject line is one that I've seen many times these last few months. Every time I see it my heart beats a little faster. We had received a donation for Ryan's Racers. This time it was a big one! This donation put us at $5,000.
That $5,000 is made up of $5 donations from strangers to $500 donations from large companies and everything in between...we even had some people donate twice and three times! Everyone has been so generous. And it's not over. We still have donations that have been pledged that haven't been received yet.
I was asked once what my ideal job would be. I said I wanted to be a volunteer. I wanted to be financially sound enough that I could find a cause that I'm passionate about and pour my energy into it. Why not work to make a difference in something? Something that you think needs the attention.
I wish with all my being that I didn't come to March of Dimes the way I did. I'd give anything to have Ryan back. I'd give anything for any of these parents to have their kids back. I can't do that so I'm doing what I think is the next best thing. I hope with all of the hard work that everyone has been putting in and all of the dollars raised that someday there won't be parents out there like me. Every baby should be born healthy and have a chance to live a full life. Ryan didn't get to do that here but I hope he's doing it in Heaven. I'm doing my best to make a difference in his name.
To date in Ryan's name we have raised $9,248 for the March of Dimes. It's eleven months tomorrow.
Ryan -- thank you for helping me find my place. I'm so proud to be your mom.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
That $5,000 is made up of $5 donations from strangers to $500 donations from large companies and everything in between...we even had some people donate twice and three times! Everyone has been so generous. And it's not over. We still have donations that have been pledged that haven't been received yet.
I was asked once what my ideal job would be. I said I wanted to be a volunteer. I wanted to be financially sound enough that I could find a cause that I'm passionate about and pour my energy into it. Why not work to make a difference in something? Something that you think needs the attention.
I wish with all my being that I didn't come to March of Dimes the way I did. I'd give anything to have Ryan back. I'd give anything for any of these parents to have their kids back. I can't do that so I'm doing what I think is the next best thing. I hope with all of the hard work that everyone has been putting in and all of the dollars raised that someday there won't be parents out there like me. Every baby should be born healthy and have a chance to live a full life. Ryan didn't get to do that here but I hope he's doing it in Heaven. I'm doing my best to make a difference in his name.
To date in Ryan's name we have raised $9,248 for the March of Dimes. It's eleven months tomorrow.
Ryan -- thank you for helping me find my place. I'm so proud to be your mom.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter
Lots of exciting things going on lately...
Nick's sister and her husband welcomed a baby boy on Friday. Baby Benjamin is adorable and we're all so happy he's here. We can't wait to meet him!
Ryan's Racers is at almost $4K! We've got some donations that aren't currently in the total so I'm not sure what the exact amount is but we're close, if not over!
I cooked dinner for Easter this year. My sister and her family came over. We had a really nice day. this was one of the highlights.
Was this not the cutest way to ask us to be Godparents? She was wearing this under her dress. It was quite the surprise!
AJ enjoyed hunting for Easter eggs this morning. He found them all and had fun opening them up to see what was inside. He them asked to eat every bag of mini m&m's he got. Before 9am and he ate one of the bags and a whole sleeve of Pez from his Woody Pez dispenser.
After out egg hunt we went to the cemetery to bring Ryan his Easter basket. I don't know why but I had such a hard time figuring out what to put in his basket. What do you buy for a son who's not here with you to enjoy it? We finally found a really cute stuffed duck and a bulldozer truck. We put it in the basket that my Grandma made a few years ago. After she passed we decided that it would be passed around to the grandkids each year. AJ had it, Cole used it and now it was Ryan's turn.
It was a nice day all around. Now focus is all on the March for Babies Walk and Ryan's birthday celebration.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Nick's sister and her husband welcomed a baby boy on Friday. Baby Benjamin is adorable and we're all so happy he's here. We can't wait to meet him!
Ryan's Racers is at almost $4K! We've got some donations that aren't currently in the total so I'm not sure what the exact amount is but we're close, if not over!
I cooked dinner for Easter this year. My sister and her family came over. We had a really nice day. this was one of the highlights.
 |
| My adorable niece Brynn |
 |
| Brynn and her hot-mess of an Aunt and soon-to-be-Godmother! |
Was this not the cutest way to ask us to be Godparents? She was wearing this under her dress. It was quite the surprise!
AJ enjoyed hunting for Easter eggs this morning. He found them all and had fun opening them up to see what was inside. He them asked to eat every bag of mini m&m's he got. Before 9am and he ate one of the bags and a whole sleeve of Pez from his Woody Pez dispenser.
 |
| Showing off his work |
After out egg hunt we went to the cemetery to bring Ryan his Easter basket. I don't know why but I had such a hard time figuring out what to put in his basket. What do you buy for a son who's not here with you to enjoy it? We finally found a really cute stuffed duck and a bulldozer truck. We put it in the basket that my Grandma made a few years ago. After she passed we decided that it would be passed around to the grandkids each year. AJ had it, Cole used it and now it was Ryan's turn.
 |
| Grandma Ann's basket in the back. The snow globe G&P sent on the right. |
It was a nice day all around. Now focus is all on the March for Babies Walk and Ryan's birthday celebration.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Mixed Emotions
The roller coaster continues. Now it's not so much of the ups and downs in one day but rather the span of a few days. In the beginning it was minute to minute.
There have been so many great things going on lately. Ryan's Racers currently has $3,147. Seeing that total increase makes me so happy. I can't even begin to explain it.
AJ has been just so funny lately -- and he knows it. He loves to sing and he does it often. He sings songs he knows (happy birthday, the Olivia theme song and even something in Spanish!) but he also likes to make up his own. One of my favorite things is waking up to his chatter on the monitor. I wish I could see what he was doing while he's putting on his little show. He's so stinkin' smart. The things he retains amazes me and Nick all the time.
The bunny has been hanging out in the yard lately. I can't tell you how many times a day I go and look out the window to see if he's there. Ryan's tree has bloomed too. Everytime I go into our room I have to go to the window and look at it. I'm so glad that Nick had that done.
AJ called Ryan his brother today. I'm so glad he knows about Ryan and that we talk about him but God, how I wish he could have gotten to meet him. I wish he would have had the chance to fuss over him like he does with other babies. I know he would have been a great little helper and he's a great big brother.
We're getting closer to Ryan's birthday. Some days I'm ok and others it just kills me. I think that's why I've thrown myself into fundraising for the walk. I need some kind of distraction. I'm actually a little nervous for when it's over. Then what am I going to do?
We went to see Ryan the other day and there was not one but two new babies there. It literally takes my breath away when I see a new baby there. Six new ones in less than 11 months. That's too many. Even one is too many. I said I can't explain how happy it makes me to see that March for Babies total rise...it's knowing that with every dollar raised that hopefully another baby won't have to be there.
The good has outweighed the tough stuff and I'm thankful for that.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
There have been so many great things going on lately. Ryan's Racers currently has $3,147. Seeing that total increase makes me so happy. I can't even begin to explain it.
AJ has been just so funny lately -- and he knows it. He loves to sing and he does it often. He sings songs he knows (happy birthday, the Olivia theme song and even something in Spanish!) but he also likes to make up his own. One of my favorite things is waking up to his chatter on the monitor. I wish I could see what he was doing while he's putting on his little show. He's so stinkin' smart. The things he retains amazes me and Nick all the time.
The bunny has been hanging out in the yard lately. I can't tell you how many times a day I go and look out the window to see if he's there. Ryan's tree has bloomed too. Everytime I go into our room I have to go to the window and look at it. I'm so glad that Nick had that done.
AJ called Ryan his brother today. I'm so glad he knows about Ryan and that we talk about him but God, how I wish he could have gotten to meet him. I wish he would have had the chance to fuss over him like he does with other babies. I know he would have been a great little helper and he's a great big brother.
We're getting closer to Ryan's birthday. Some days I'm ok and others it just kills me. I think that's why I've thrown myself into fundraising for the walk. I need some kind of distraction. I'm actually a little nervous for when it's over. Then what am I going to do?
We went to see Ryan the other day and there was not one but two new babies there. It literally takes my breath away when I see a new baby there. Six new ones in less than 11 months. That's too many. Even one is too many. I said I can't explain how happy it makes me to see that March for Babies total rise...it's knowing that with every dollar raised that hopefully another baby won't have to be there.
The good has outweighed the tough stuff and I'm thankful for that.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
One Thousand
I have to start out by thanking everyone who donated for Ryan's Racers. Our team currently has $2,917 raised and that's not counting money that has been pledged that we haven't yet received. We're going to be close to $4,000. I reached my goal of $1,000. I know I changed my goal a few times along the way but from the beginning I was hoping to be able to raise that amount on my own. I've had so many people donate (some even twice!). I'm sure many of them donated so I'd stop spamming their facebook pages but I don't know if I'll ever be able to put into words how important and passionate I am about this. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We ordered our team shirts for the walk. I'm so excited about them. I can't wait to see everyone there at walk wearing them.
I heard from K., the social worker at the hospital. She sent me an update about some of the changes they were making. They've been using the updated resource list and ordered the books I suggested. Within the month they'll be receiving the digital camera they ordered. Families who go through what we have will be able to take pictures and leave with a thumb drive with those pictures on it. I hope that it never has to be used but I know in reality it'll be needed much more frequently than anyone knows. I'm glad that it will be there and I hope it gives some people some beautiful memories.
All good things...all for my sweet boy.
We ordered our team shirts for the walk. I'm so excited about them. I can't wait to see everyone there at walk wearing them.
I heard from K., the social worker at the hospital. She sent me an update about some of the changes they were making. They've been using the updated resource list and ordered the books I suggested. Within the month they'll be receiving the digital camera they ordered. Families who go through what we have will be able to take pictures and leave with a thumb drive with those pictures on it. I hope that it never has to be used but I know in reality it'll be needed much more frequently than anyone knows. I'm glad that it will be there and I hope it gives some people some beautiful memories.
All good things...all for my sweet boy.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
10 months
Dear Ryan,
How can it be 10 months? I find myself having a hard time lately. Each day we get closer to your birthday. That mark seems so huge. A whole year. I know it's still 2 months away but it's already on my radar.
Today I had some time to myself. Dad took AJ to the zoo this afternoon so I could do some planting outside. I planted the tree Aunt Lauren bought for you at Christmas. It's got a nice spot in front of the house. I also planted some bulbs in your garden in the backyard. The tree is starting to bud. I can't wait to see it in full bloom. After I was done planting I went and had a nice lunch and did a little shopping. The few hours I had alone made such a difference.
Dad and AJ had a nice time at the zoo. They went to the park afterwards and all in all they had a great day together. I hope you were there with them enjoying it too.
We're doing great raising money for the March of Dimes. As of tonight we have $2,147. And there are still 60 days to go. I've also joined the Family Team Committee. I'm looking forward to working with MOD on different projects.
Ten long months and I still miss you like it's the first day without you. I love you so, so much. Forever and a day.
~Mom
How can it be 10 months? I find myself having a hard time lately. Each day we get closer to your birthday. That mark seems so huge. A whole year. I know it's still 2 months away but it's already on my radar.
Today I had some time to myself. Dad took AJ to the zoo this afternoon so I could do some planting outside. I planted the tree Aunt Lauren bought for you at Christmas. It's got a nice spot in front of the house. I also planted some bulbs in your garden in the backyard. The tree is starting to bud. I can't wait to see it in full bloom. After I was done planting I went and had a nice lunch and did a little shopping. The few hours I had alone made such a difference.
Dad and AJ had a nice time at the zoo. They went to the park afterwards and all in all they had a great day together. I hope you were there with them enjoying it too.
We're doing great raising money for the March of Dimes. As of tonight we have $2,147. And there are still 60 days to go. I've also joined the Family Team Committee. I'm looking forward to working with MOD on different projects.
Ten long months and I still miss you like it's the first day without you. I love you so, so much. Forever and a day.
~Mom
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