Let me start off by saying that I'm not usually very lucky. I don't win on scratch-off tickets. I suck at Bingo. I don't really bother gambling because I just give away my money. Well tonight my luck changed. I entered a giveaway from CarlyMarie. This awesome woman draws names in the sand for families who have lost children. We got Ryan's name done and I love it so much. When I saw she was doing a giveaway for one of her gorgeous butterflies I figured I'd enter but had no shot at winning. Well guess what?! I DID win!! I even had to click the link to make sure it was me! I'm so excited! I'll be sure to post a picture once I get it. (And for more info on Carly check out the button on the right side of the page)
Last night we went to the RIT hockey game. It was the semi-finals so they were being held at Blue Cross Arena. Normally AJ is so good when we go to the games but for some reason he wasn't having it. I was getting frustrated with him so we left after the second period. They won the game so tonight was the final. We thought we were all prepared packing his dvd player to keep him occupied. We enjoyed some ice cream before the game started and he was having fun doing the chants as the start of the game was approaching. As the first period ended he told us he needed a change. OK fine. As he stood up I could see that his diaper had leaked. What I didn't know is that not only did it leak but the whole thing shifted. I'll spare you the details but we had to throw out his shoes and socks. I'll leave it at that. He left in my sweatshirt. I guess being at those games just weren't meant to be! RIT lost to Air Force so there's always next year!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
It's been a while...
I hadn't realized how long it has been since I've posted. Sorry!
I've been throwing myself into fundraising for the March for Babies Walk. The good news is I've had to raise our team goal a few times. Currently we're at $1,637! And I know there are still a few team members who have to start their fundraising efforts. I can't begin to tell you how good it makes me feel to see people supporting this and trying their damnedest to raise money in Ryan's name. When I'm having a bad day I go to the page and see how many people have helped and I look at his band and remember how good it made me feel after he was born. It keeps me going -- so to all of you who have donated, Thank you. I can't say it enough. And for those of you who haven't but would like to, please do! No donation is too small.
We're working on figuring out plans for Ryan's birthday. I think we're going to do a bbq at the house. We'll have a lot of family and friends in town for the walk so that should be nice.
Can I tell you how funny AJ is? His speech amazes me everyday. He hears something once and he remembers it and then uses it in the right context. One of my favorite things he does right now is snuggling. I was laying on the couch one night and he got the blanket off of the other couch, brought it over, covered me up and said "snuggle". He climbed up next to me on the couch, covered himself with the blanket and we snuggled. It was so nice. And the smile on his face made me melt.
We did make one big decision a few days ago. We put Ryan's picture up in the living room. It was something that I was so unsure of for all this time. I wanted it there so badly but I was (still am) nervous about how others would react to it. I wasn't nervous about what others would think (honestly -- I don't care!) but if anyone ever said anything negative I think I would lose my mind. So it's there and I'm glad it is.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
I've been throwing myself into fundraising for the March for Babies Walk. The good news is I've had to raise our team goal a few times. Currently we're at $1,637! And I know there are still a few team members who have to start their fundraising efforts. I can't begin to tell you how good it makes me feel to see people supporting this and trying their damnedest to raise money in Ryan's name. When I'm having a bad day I go to the page and see how many people have helped and I look at his band and remember how good it made me feel after he was born. It keeps me going -- so to all of you who have donated, Thank you. I can't say it enough. And for those of you who haven't but would like to, please do! No donation is too small.
We're working on figuring out plans for Ryan's birthday. I think we're going to do a bbq at the house. We'll have a lot of family and friends in town for the walk so that should be nice.
Can I tell you how funny AJ is? His speech amazes me everyday. He hears something once and he remembers it and then uses it in the right context. One of my favorite things he does right now is snuggling. I was laying on the couch one night and he got the blanket off of the other couch, brought it over, covered me up and said "snuggle". He climbed up next to me on the couch, covered himself with the blanket and we snuggled. It was so nice. And the smile on his face made me melt.
We did make one big decision a few days ago. We put Ryan's picture up in the living room. It was something that I was so unsure of for all this time. I wanted it there so badly but I was (still am) nervous about how others would react to it. I wasn't nervous about what others would think (honestly -- I don't care!) but if anyone ever said anything negative I think I would lose my mind. So it's there and I'm glad it is.
I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Ignorance
I read this article today. Faces of Loss posted the link. http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/02/29/the-mourning-after/
I've had to sit on this for a while to try and compose my thoughts on this. The post that would have come out of the initial reaction would not have been pretty.
I remember watching a news story where "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" was featured. This was before I had children. I remember thinking about those moms and wondering why they would want pictures of their children after they had passed. Why would you want to remember them that way?
Fast forward to May 21, 2011. I just gave birth to my second son. I knew our time was going to be limited and I would have given anything to have someone come to take pictures with us. I thought about it for a second and then again thought "do I want to remember Ryan like this?" After a little while we did see if the hospital had a camera that we could use. They didn't so we never took any photos while we were there. It just didn't seem right to me to take those pictures on Nick's cell phone.
We did take a few pictures of us holding Ryan and his tiny hand in ours. We have the "newborn" photo that the hospital took. That's the only one where you can see his precious little face. We have a collage that a friend made for us of some of these photos on the mantel in the living room. The picture of just Ryan is on my nightstand. I've gone back and forth so many times about putting it out in the living room with the others. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but on the other hand why should I feel like I can't put up my son's photo in my own house?!
The author of this article didn't do her research. Not all babies born after 20 weeks are stillborn. Ryan was born alive and lived for 55 minutes. And even if that child is stillborn they are STILL BORN.
I don't know a woman who has gotten a positive pregnancy test that, from that very moment, doesn't start dreaming of a life for that child. No matter what the gestational age of that child when he/she passes or how that child passes that dream is shattered. I don't think that just because the general population didn't get to meet that child that means that child didn't "exist" or that that child isn't forever a part of that family.
What if Ryan was older when he passed? Should I not have his pictures around? Should I not talk about him anymore? When an older person dies you can speak of the memories you have -- when a child dies you can only talk about the memories you wish you had. You hold onto hope that your child is living on with others who have passed before them and that one day you'll get to see them again, but until that day you live for them. You try to make a difference. Ryan didn't get to live his life but I'm going to be damn sure to live mine for me and him. I want to make sure when I get to see him again that he's proud of his mama.
People grieve in different ways and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. All I know is that for me, having others speak his name and support us in doing things in his name is the best consolation of all. I will never be "better". I will never be "over this". Ryan passed that night and part of me went with him, that will never change. All I can do is learn to adjust to life without my son and for someone, who I can guess has never experienced such a loss, to say that I shouldn't do these things in my opinion is ignorant.
I've had to sit on this for a while to try and compose my thoughts on this. The post that would have come out of the initial reaction would not have been pretty.
I remember watching a news story where "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" was featured. This was before I had children. I remember thinking about those moms and wondering why they would want pictures of their children after they had passed. Why would you want to remember them that way?
Fast forward to May 21, 2011. I just gave birth to my second son. I knew our time was going to be limited and I would have given anything to have someone come to take pictures with us. I thought about it for a second and then again thought "do I want to remember Ryan like this?" After a little while we did see if the hospital had a camera that we could use. They didn't so we never took any photos while we were there. It just didn't seem right to me to take those pictures on Nick's cell phone.
We did take a few pictures of us holding Ryan and his tiny hand in ours. We have the "newborn" photo that the hospital took. That's the only one where you can see his precious little face. We have a collage that a friend made for us of some of these photos on the mantel in the living room. The picture of just Ryan is on my nightstand. I've gone back and forth so many times about putting it out in the living room with the others. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but on the other hand why should I feel like I can't put up my son's photo in my own house?!
The author of this article didn't do her research. Not all babies born after 20 weeks are stillborn. Ryan was born alive and lived for 55 minutes. And even if that child is stillborn they are STILL BORN.
I don't know a woman who has gotten a positive pregnancy test that, from that very moment, doesn't start dreaming of a life for that child. No matter what the gestational age of that child when he/she passes or how that child passes that dream is shattered. I don't think that just because the general population didn't get to meet that child that means that child didn't "exist" or that that child isn't forever a part of that family.
What if Ryan was older when he passed? Should I not have his pictures around? Should I not talk about him anymore? When an older person dies you can speak of the memories you have -- when a child dies you can only talk about the memories you wish you had. You hold onto hope that your child is living on with others who have passed before them and that one day you'll get to see them again, but until that day you live for them. You try to make a difference. Ryan didn't get to live his life but I'm going to be damn sure to live mine for me and him. I want to make sure when I get to see him again that he's proud of his mama.
People grieve in different ways and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. All I know is that for me, having others speak his name and support us in doing things in his name is the best consolation of all. I will never be "better". I will never be "over this". Ryan passed that night and part of me went with him, that will never change. All I can do is learn to adjust to life without my son and for someone, who I can guess has never experienced such a loss, to say that I shouldn't do these things in my opinion is ignorant.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
9 Months
Today is 9 months since Ryan was born. It hit me hard today. It wasn't even 9am and I had cried twice. It was a rough start but I got through and the day got better.
I'm sitting here writing this post and I'm missing him like crazy again. I still hate the quiet times at night. My mind wanders.
Happy 9 months in heaven sweet boy. I miss you so much it hurts.
I love you with all of my heart. Forever and a day.
I'm sitting here writing this post and I'm missing him like crazy again. I still hate the quiet times at night. My mind wanders.
Happy 9 months in heaven sweet boy. I miss you so much it hurts.
I love you with all of my heart. Forever and a day.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
A New Angel
Heaven has a new angel. A friend that Nick grew up with lost his 2 year old son yesterday. I don't know the circumstances and I really don't need to. Bottom line is there's another set of parents who had to leave the hospital without their child.
The news shook me to the core. I've never met this family but it doesn't matter. They now belong to a community that no one wants to belong to. Every time I hear of someone else coming into this group it makes me so angry. This isn't the way it supposed to go. That's not the order things are supposed to go in. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't understand why there are so many terrible people out there who get to live and sweet and innocent children are taken away.
I was on facebook today and there are status updates about how crappy today was for some people. I shook my head. They think they're having a bad day, how about those parents? I've been guilty of this too, even after we lost Ryan. I'll complain about something that seems to be so "important" at the moment only to realize that it's not. It's so small in the whole scheme of things.
So when you're bitching about the bad day you've had or the inconveniences of the day just remember someone always has it worse.
To that precious boy and his family, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
The news shook me to the core. I've never met this family but it doesn't matter. They now belong to a community that no one wants to belong to. Every time I hear of someone else coming into this group it makes me so angry. This isn't the way it supposed to go. That's not the order things are supposed to go in. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't understand why there are so many terrible people out there who get to live and sweet and innocent children are taken away.
I was on facebook today and there are status updates about how crappy today was for some people. I shook my head. They think they're having a bad day, how about those parents? I've been guilty of this too, even after we lost Ryan. I'll complain about something that seems to be so "important" at the moment only to realize that it's not. It's so small in the whole scheme of things.
So when you're bitching about the bad day you've had or the inconveniences of the day just remember someone always has it worse.
To that precious boy and his family, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
Ryan,
Last year on this day we got our first peek at you. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I already had one bout of illness under my belt and we were blissfully unaware of what was to come.
I remember being so excited to see you on that screen looking like a little gummy bear. I thought about what a great big brother you were going to have. I wondered if you were going to look just like him. I had plans for you baby boy...
I'm missing you so much today.
I love you, sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Love,
Mom
Last year on this day we got our first peek at you. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I already had one bout of illness under my belt and we were blissfully unaware of what was to come.
I remember being so excited to see you on that screen looking like a little gummy bear. I thought about what a great big brother you were going to have. I wondered if you were going to look just like him. I had plans for you baby boy...
I'm missing you so much today.
I love you, sweet boy. Forever and a day.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
What's in a name?
Quite possibly one of the biggest decisions you can have as an adult is picking a name for your child. There's a lot of pressure there! You go through all of the names in the book. You narrow down the list. You make sure you eliminate any that your spouse doesn't like. Then you go through and make sure that there aren't any names that people have ruined for you. You know what I'm talking about...everyone knows someone that they're really not fond of. When you hear that name you automatically think about that person. You definitely can't name your kid that -- even if that's the name you've had picked out since you're 5 years old.
Nick and I thought a lot about Ryan's name. It was on our short list for a while. We made sure all of the Ryans we knew were good people (or well behaved children at my former jobs ;) ). I love the name. I love hearing people say his name and I love seeing it in random places.
There is a boy that we come across every once in a while named Ryan. This kid is a Tasmanian devil. He runs AJ over at least once every time we see them. His mom is constantly calling his name. And it drives. me. nuts.
I know it's so silly but for some reason it bugs me. It's different hearing Ryan with an annoyed tone to it. Or it being yelled. I don't know...sometimes it's just not the easiest thing to sit and listen to. It's just one of those things I guess. Welcome to the crazy things that go on in my head...
Nick and I thought a lot about Ryan's name. It was on our short list for a while. We made sure all of the Ryans we knew were good people (or well behaved children at my former jobs ;) ). I love the name. I love hearing people say his name and I love seeing it in random places.
There is a boy that we come across every once in a while named Ryan. This kid is a Tasmanian devil. He runs AJ over at least once every time we see them. His mom is constantly calling his name. And it drives. me. nuts.
I know it's so silly but for some reason it bugs me. It's different hearing Ryan with an annoyed tone to it. Or it being yelled. I don't know...sometimes it's just not the easiest thing to sit and listen to. It's just one of those things I guess. Welcome to the crazy things that go on in my head...
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