So proud of AJ!

For the last two years AJ has been dealing with Uveitis in his left eye. We were shocked to find out at an appointment for some eye redness that he couldn't see out of that eye. He was immediately sent to a pediatric opthamologist where he was put on steroid eye drops (among others) to get the inflammation under control. His vision was 20/800. After weeks of eye drops every hour the inflammation was improving very slowly.

Many tests were run to figure out the underlying cause of the inflammation. Everything came back fine. Just like his mama, AJ seemed to be the Zebra.

After months of being on steroid drops a systemic medication was prescribed by Rheumatology. Methotrexate is typically a cancer drug but in small doses can treat inflammation. So I had to learn to give my 6 year old weekly subq shots. It was helping but not enough. We were able to taper down the steroid drops but could not get off of them totally.

Humira was then prescribed. It was scary having such a "heavy duty" medication ordered on top of the MTX but we were out of options.

Finally after months of shots and drops and sometimes bi-weekly eye appointments AJ was able to be totally off the steroid drops.

Finally in September on 2016 AJ was officailly in remission. No active inflammation.

Since then AJ has had multiple laser procedures, 1 cataract surgery and another to clear the cornea of calcification. We've made a trip to Boston to see one of the best Uveitis doctors in the world.

Treatment continues. That includes wearing a contact lens (the lens in his eye had to be removed with the cataract and because of the possibility of future inflammation an implantable lens was not recommended), a new bi-focal and patching his "good" eye to strengthen the left. He's still at an age where his left eye can regain some vision. His fantastic eye doctor was hopeful that he would be able to get useful vision back. He figured it would probably end up around 20/100. Well, AJ has been patching for months. He's up to 6 hours a day and at his last visit was at 20/60! An improvement from the previous appointment 10 weeks earlier where it was 20/80.

He's come such a long way and even his doctors are surprised at how far he's come. And all the while barely a complaint. He goes with the flow and does what he needs to do - 6 shots a month, hours and hours of patching and wearing his protective glasses. He can even put in his own contact now!

AJ does all of his patching at home. When he wakes up he puts in his contact in so he can get an hor or two done before school, so he can get all of his hours done outside of school.

Last night he had some reading homework. He was able to read the whole book (with some small print I might add!) with his patch on! This is HUGE! In the beginning he could barely see the tv with it on. Now he was reading. The happy tears were flowing for this mama!

I can't begin to express how proud I am of him. He's taken all of this in stride and usually with a smile on his face. All of his doctors love seeing him and are just as proud of him as we are.

His next appointment is in December. If there's been even more improvement we expect to continue patching to see just how good we can get the vision.

Five years

I recently got a new cell phone. I've been trying to get it organized and synced. I've been trying to remember what apps I had on my old phone that I need to download to the new one. I've purposely left one off the list. Normally I love seeing what Timehop brings up from years past but during May it's so hard. I don't need an app to remind me of everything that happened 5 years ago. I know. My body knows. My brain knows. Even if it just starts in my subconscious I eventually realize that the funk that has set in is because of where we are in the month.

Last night we had a meeting. Usually being there helps me. I enjoy helping new people and I'm ok hearing their stories. Last night was hard. Really hard. The cloud over me continued today. Its the worst waking up with that feeling. Today is the day we had our 20 week ultrasound with Ryan. It's not something I have marked on a calendar anywhere but without fail every year I remember. We were so excited for that scan. We'd had a bunch up to that point because of how rough the pregnancy was. This was a peek after another hospitalization and MRI. He was always so active so I knew he was ok but getting to see him bouncing on the screen was always my favorite reassurance that whatever was going on with me wasn't effecting him. We had no idea that 10 short days later we'd get another look at him but in a very different way.

Five years is a long time away from your child. None of his birthdays have been easy but this one seems a little harder. I see what personalities AJ and Cameron have and how different they are and wonder where he would fit in. Would he have loved preschool as much as his big brother? Would he have been the class clown? Would he be so excited to get to ride the bus to school in September? Would he be excited for our trip this summer? Would he love trains as much as his brothers? So many questions that will go unanswered. Forever.

Five years already seems like forever.

I miss you with everything I have. That will never change. I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Family

Last year Pop mentioned for his 80th birthday he wanted the family to all come together and stay at his house like we had done 10 years prior when we went on a family cruise. We all piled in the living room with air mattresses from wall to wall and pretty much spent most of the night goofing off and not sleeping. It was one of the best nights we'd had all together. So we all got planning. With everyone's busy schedules we figured out that June would work (even though Pop's birthday was in March). We booked our plane tickets December 31 last year.

Fast forward to Mother's Day weekend. I got a call that took the breath right out of me. It was my dad and he was upset. "Pop's got brain cancer". The information took a minute to sink in. He explained what he knew at that point (not much). After more testing and more conversations with Pop and Grandma we found out that it was lung cancer. Stage 4 that had spread to his brain. The diagnosis came after pain and twitching in his arm. He was literally on the golf course one day and then sitting in a hospital bed with a chest tube the next. As soon as the diagnosis came our family banded together. We started a group facebook message so we could all keep up with the load of information coming from Florida. My Aunt Ree flew down to be with my grandparents. She was our line of communication. Once we knew that there was a treatment plan in place plans came together so Grandma and Pop didn't have to be alone. My sister, Aunt, cousin and dad all went to Florida to help get Pop to and from treatments and doctor appointments. They relayed test results and asked questions that we had from here at home. The party was still planned and Pop said he still wanted it to go ahead, even though he had finished 15 radiation treatments and 1 round of chemo.

I think we were all a little shocked when we got to Florida. Pop would talk a good game on the phone and Skype but to see him in person was another story. The great-grandkids were so excited to play with Pop. My niece and nephew were just at his house last September and he was throwing them around the pool. This time he didn't even come outside. One day he did sit inside and watched through the glass doors. The kids didn't understand why Pop couldn't come play in the pool with them.

 

Saturday morning we arranged to have a photographer come to the house to take family photos. We had so much fun. We laughed a lot. From funny faces to jokes about being put on the end (easy to cut out, ha!) we all had a great time. For me it was a highlight of the weekend. Later that evening was Pop's birthday dinner. The family as well as some more cousins went to Kally K's. Pop wasn't feeling well and was very hot. The restaurant was nice enough to get a fan for the room to keep Pop more comfortable. We ate and laughed, sang happy birthday and had cake and even sang a fun song composed of "Pop-isms". We all went back to the house to spend some more time with each other. Some of us went swimming, some sat with Pop inside the den. It was a great night.

 

The next morning I received an email from the photographer. She had worked Saturday to get our pictures edited and send to us so we could all see them together, as a family. After breakfast the kids wanted to go in the pool. Nick took them in. My family was going to leave to head to my in-laws house around 1pm. Once the family was all together I hooked up the computer to the tv so we could all see the pictures together on the big screen. After about a minute of watching pictured Nick had me come get Cameron. He was getting ready for a nap. Nick stayed in the pool with AJ, Cole and Brynn. At some point Elijah joined them. Cameron was sitting wrapped in a towel watching the pictures with some of us when we heard screaming. I didn't recognize the voice. Then we heard my Aunt scream and come running "Elijah is having a seizure". I moved Cameron off of my lap and went running with pretty much everyone in the room. I realized as I was heading towards the living room that it was Nick who was screaming. I've never, ever heard a scream like that from him, not even on the night we lost Ryan.

As I got outside Elijah was being pulled out of the pool. He was at the end of his seizure. My sister was already by his side and rolled him over to get some water out of his mouth. I hadn't realized it at first but he had the seizure while in the pool and was under water. I was comforting Nick for a minute, when I turned back around my sister was doing chest compressions. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was trying to help however I could.. I got a towel to put under Elijah's head. He was bleeding but we didn't know where it was coming from. Every time Lauren did a compression more fluid came out. My Uncle was at Elijah's head and was giving him breaths. I will never forget that sight. There was something about his actions that will always stick with me. He was trying so hard. He was so focused on saving his son. He didn't think twice that there was vomit or blood or fluid coming from Elijah. He was trying to save his son's life. We continued with cpr and could finally hear sirens outside. There was finally a pulse and Elijah was trying to breathe. We were pounding on him pretty hard between compressions and hitting his back to try to get the water out. When he was breathing again it sounded like he was moaning. You could tell that it was taking a lot of effort for him and you could still hear the fluid in his lungs.

 

The paramedics came and got him on the stretcher and took him to the ambulance to work on him. They had to intubate him. They left for the hospital with my Aunt and Uncle following behind.

 

We got the call about an hour later. Elijah coded again in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and they were never able to get him back.

The family all headed to the hospital. I stayed behind with Nick and the kids to be with Grandma and Pop.

 

Through everything that's happened I cant be more proud of my family. Everyone has come together to help with Pop. Whether it's an idea or suggestion or a question for the doctor. We're many people all working toward a common goal. Many families would fall apart with dealing with the situation but it's been just the opposite for us. We've grown closer. And even on that Sunday as we tried to save Elijah -- everyone did their part, some were outside on the pool deck, some were out front waiting to flag down the ambulance, some were with the little kids trying to shield them from all the confusion and some were with Pop. Everyone did a job and no one had to tell or ask them to be doing something.

 

We all came together this last weekend at Elijah's wake and burial. We all leaned on each other. It was sad to have to say goodbye to Elijah, especially at such a young age and under the circumstances but I honestly feel that he's at peace. I feel in my heart of hearts that he wanted to be the one waiting for Pop in heaven. Make no mistake, I don't think Elijah got in the pool knowing something was going to happen and none of us know what the future holds for Pop but one thing I do know is that when they meet again that's going to be one hell of a reunion (and hug!)

Help Means Help!!! ~ By Nick Ippolito

I will never forget the sound of my voice, screaming for help!  It was the most blood curdling, ear splitting screech of a scream I have ever voiced.  And no one heard me, or no one believed me.

On Sunday, June 28, 2015, my cousin Elijah drowned in my grandparent's pool in Florida.  He was a man in his young twenties, and he was just floating in the pool, swaying side to side as he drifted to the bottom of the deep end.  We were the only one's in the pool, along with my son, niece, and nephew, none more than 5 yrs of age.  I acted as quick as I could, yelled to my son and nephew to go get help.  They thought I was joking and just laughed.  It's not their fault, they're five.

I dove down and got hold of Elijah, and struggled mightily to get him to the surface.  Make no mistake, a body that has ingested all that water is not light.  It took everything I had to get him to the surface and keep his head above water.  He was in the midst of a seizure as I held him, trying to swim us both from the deep end to a part of the pool where I could stand and get him out of the water.  I screamed for help, over and over and over again.  No one came, no one heard me, or believed me.

I kept screaming and screaming, HELP, HELP, HELP, and finally my Aunt saw me flailing my arms through the glass sliding doors and realized that I was in need of help.  The rest of the family finally came and helped me get Elijah out of the water and start life saving measures.  God bless my sister in law (who is an RN), my brother in law, my wife and Elijah's father.  They did CPR, they extruded most of the fluid Elijah swallowed and got a pulse back before the medics arrived.  They did all they could, but Elijah did not make it. 

We lost him that day and all that keeps going through my head is how did no one hear me yell for help?  Or why did people not believe that my yell was for real?  Could I have done something differently, said a different word, or who knows what?  Who in their right mind would yell for help and not mean it?  Just as our society understands that NO MEANS NO, we need to start the grassroots campaign towards HELP MEANS HELP.

Please do your part and pass along this message.  Make sure that you teach your kids that if someone is yelling for help, that they should get it.  Adults - don't assume people are joking, react and assist, or at least get someone else who can if you are unable.  And NEVER EVER joke around with the use of this word; you never know, it could cost you your life.  I hope that is not what happened to my cousin, but I can't help but wonder if someone would have reacted sooner or heard me sooner, would we have been able to save him and still have him with us.





A GoFundMe page has been set up to help Elijah's parents with funeral expenses. If you'd like to make a contribution please click here. Thanks.

Goodbye tonsils

Wednesday AJ had his tonsils out. We were all nervous, although I'm sure I was probably more than AJ. We arrived at the surgery center and AJ was excited to show Nick the small table and chairs that are tucked in a corner of the waiting room. He remembered them from the tour on Monday.

Before we knew it his name was called and we were heading back into pre-op. They did all of AJ's vitals and then brought us back to our curtain area to change into his gown and wait for his turn. When we took the tour the nurse showed us all of the curtain areas for kids. They have four of them. One had trains, one had trucks, one had animals and one had ladybugs. AJ was excited going from room to room deciding which one he'd hope to have.

We were escorted to this room:

Talk about a sign -- I asked and we got it. This is the only ladybug room in the pre-op area.



I had asked for a sign and boy did I get it. I smiled and looked at Nick and was able to feel a bit more at ease.

We were in that area for about an hour. The anesthesiologist came in, the nurse anesthetist, AJ's doc and a few other nurses all introducing themselves and going over the procedure. 

All ready to go!

 

AJ was dressed and ready to go. Didn't he look cute! We did have some down time to go for a ride while we waited and in between visitors. 

Playing a little while we waited to see the Doctors

 

Around 9:50 it was time to go. AJ was wheeled to the OR (like he was driving a race car!) and we had to go wait in the waiting room. I was able to hold it together until he was out of sight and then the tears came. What a helpless feeling. I knew he was in good hands but it was hard to watch him go.

About an hour later the doctor came out and told us he did great. Everything went as planned and we could see him in recovery.

All done, giving us a thumbs up.

When we got there he was starting to wake up and was very agitated. Once he calmed down he was able to sleep for a bit. He woke up much happier and was able to relax and watch a movie and have a popsicle. We had to stay in recovery for three hours (standard for tonsil removal).

Everyone at the surgery center was wonderful. They really made it a good experience not only for AJ but for us as well.

We're all glad it's done. Recovery has been a little tough -- nights especially, but he's getting there. Hopefully by next week he'll be back to his old self. 

An emotionally heavy day

Today was jam packed. We were up and going early. On the agenda was kindergarten registration for AJ.

I needed to bring his birth certificate with me so I went and grabbbed it from the lock box where we keep all of our most important things. It was right under Ryan's memory box. I took a quick peek at Ryan's picture. It feels strange to me to go in that box and not look at something of his.

Registration was surreal. It was the first time I was in the school. It was lunch time and the halls were filled with children's happy voices. I tried to picture AJ eating his lunch in the cafeteria with new friends. I can't believe my baby, the one who first made me a mom, is old enough to go to school.

Later on in the day we went for a tour of the surgery center where AJ will have his tonsils out on Wednesday. He did great. He was chatting up the nurse. We got to see all of the places we'll be and that was reassuring. I'm not gonna lie, I can feel my anxiety building the closer we get to Wednesday. I know he'll be fine but the thought of having to let him go, even for just the little while, sends me close to a panic.

All of the emotions today on top of the busy schedule has left me exhausted. My mind has been on Ryan a lot. I realized that kindergarten was another milestone that he wasn't going to have. He's not going to make new friends, ride the bus or trade snacks. What I wouldn't give for him to have that.

Missing you sweet boy. We could use a little reassurance on Wednesday - a little sign would mean the world.

I love you so, so much. Forever and a day.

Conversations with AJ

I've mentioned before how most of AJ's questions about Ryan come up while we're driving in the car. I guess my mind isn't the only one that wanders at that time. Now that he's older he understands more and seems to connect the dots more. They learned all about heart health in school. He told me one day that Ryan died because his heart stopped beating.

The other day in the car he brought that up again. He told me about how Nick went and cleared the snow from Ryan's stone. (I should really say he dug out because there was more than a foot of snow covering everything) AJ told me that Nick also cleared some other stones. He didn't know their names. I told him that was Hayden and Ethan.

Me: Do you know who Hayden's mom is?
AJ: No.
Me: It's Stephanie. And do you know who Ethan's mom is?
AJ: No.
Me: It's JennRose. That's how we met and why we're friends.
AJ: Did their hearts stop too?
Me: Yes they did. They were born too early just like Ryan. (I can almost see the wheels turning and him processing the information. I figured this was a good time to explain what my meetings were.)
Me: My meetings are for other mommies and daddies whose babies have died too. We try to help them.
AJ: and grandma and grandpa's too?
Me: Yes, we've had some grandma and grandpa's come too.
AJ: And kids?
Me: No, there are other groups for kids. We usually only have grown-ups.
AJ: Do you think we can bring the cozy coupe down tomorrow?

And just like that he got the info he needed and moved on. The questions usually come out of the blue right after talking about something completely unrelated and as you can see, end the same way.

Some days it almost feels like an ambush. It's not always easy to talk about when you're not prepared. Nick is much better at talking about it and being honest with AJ but still in a way that's very easy for him to understand. Me -- I'm working on it.

I'm glad that AJ feels comfortable enough to ask questions and talk about his brother. He thinks about him quite a bit and really, that's all I can ask for. I was always so afraid he wouldn't talk about him or include him.

I'm so lucky to have such great kids.

Seasons of grief

There are so many variables that can have an effect on your grief. An upcoming birthday or anniversary, stress in other aspects of your life and for me the actual season of the year.

Winter is the hardest for me. The weather sometimes actually prevents me from going to the cemetery and if I can and do go it's often just for a minute because it's so bitter cold.

I always took pride in keeping up with Ryan's grave. I'd go and change the flag for whatever holiday was upcoming. I'd make sure the leaves weren't covering the stone. Maybe bring a new little knickknack for him. Right now though if you were to go his Christmas tree is still there, his Christmas flag is still up and underneath the nearly 4 feet of snow that's piled up are some Christmas trinkets on his stone. I tried to bring his Christmas tree home after the holidays were over but it's frozen to the ground...and at this point I'm not even sure it'd be visible because we've had a lot of snow and bitter cold with no thaw.

The cemetery is my place to go to feel a little closer to Ryan. I can usually go and be alone and think or cry or have some quiet time. In the winter I can't do any of that and it's hard. I haven't found another place that fills that void. So while others may complain about all the cold and snow because of the inconvenience it all causes I complain because yes, it's a pain to deal with but it also makes me feel further from my son and I hate that.

Dreaming of a nice Spring day with no snow on the ground.

Missing you like crazy sweet boy, especially as I sit here watching your brothers have a dance party in the living room.

Brothers

Today was Nick 's first day off in two weeks. We wanted to do something fun as a family so we ended up at the beach.

We got there and set up our gear (it's amazing everything you need to bring when you have kids). AJ was so excited to get in the water. His sunscreen was barely dry and he was off. Nick joined him and I followed a bit later.

There were two brothers who were playing in the shallow water. Nick commented that he couldn't wait for Cam to be old enough so we could get the boys matching swimsuits like they were wearing. I have no doubt that Cameron will want to do everything just like his biggest brother.

When I headed into the water with Cameron to join Nick and AJ, I was near those two boys. I heard the grandfather call one of them. "Ryan, don't go too far." Nick heard it too and we looked at each other and smiled.

A little while later I was back on the sand with Cameron (who is not a fan of the cold water) and Nick calls to me from the water. "You'll never believe what the older brother's name is!" Are you kidding me? Alexander Joseph. They call him AJ.

I went from looking at two brothers playing together to looking at what my boys should have looked like playing together.

I couldn't help the lump in my throat. At first it was bittersweet, then very quickly it turned to sadness. The situation very quickly brought all of my feelings of missing Ryan right to the surface. I was trying to hold back the tears. Nick told the grandfather the significance of the names and I didn't want to make it awkward for them. There was no stopping it. I excused myself and had a good cry in the bathroom.

When I came back on the beach after that watching those boys was like watching a car accident. I didn't want to look but at the same time I couldn't look away. They were 5 and 2. Ryan was a spunky little guy who didn't want to listen very well. I always wonder if my Ryan would have been the same.

It was the most clear reminder of what we all missed out on. Sure, I've been around other boys named Ryan but to hear the names called out together was too much for me.

I'm missing you like crazy my sweet boy. I miss you so much that my arm literally aches for you. I'd go back and do it all again just to hold you one more time. I love you so much. Thank you for taking such good care of us. I know you're always around.

Forever and a day.
Love, Mama

Sigh

After Ryan passed I found myself sighing. A lot. I didn't realize I was doing it at first. In the beginning it was almost a reminder to keep breathing, to keep going. Then it happened on days that I was missing Ryan a little extra. I've found myself doing it the last few days as we approached Ryan's birthday. Today the sigh was to help deal with the fact that it's been three years since I've seen or held my son. It was also to try to calm down after the few crying jags that come with it being his birthday. It's a reminder that I'll get through the day and another year without him, no matter how bad it sucks.

We tried to celebrate him today. We went and got balloons and a little toy. We brought them to the cemetery and released a few. It's getting harder and harder to figure out what to do for his birthday. Nothing ever seems like it's good enough.

In true Ryan fashion he made sure his mama was taken care of. After we got home tonight I went out to his tree. I was there looking at the statue that we have and just spending a quiet few minutes. I looked at my neighbors yard and something caught my eye. It was a bunny. He was so content in the yard eating the grass and even lounging for a few minutes. It's only the second time I've seen a bunny at the house in the year that we've been here.

I miss you so much sweet boy. I hope you tagged along and had fun with us today. I think you would have had a ball with your brothers. I love you with all of my heart.

Catching up

I was told today to "get on that!". It was a nudge to update the blog because it's been quite a while. I've had bits and pieces of posts here or there but nothing so urgent or important to write a whole post about. And honestly if it's the choice of going sleep or blogging, sleep will almost always be the winner right now.

I'm not sure if my fatigue is from still trying to wrangle two kids at home or from some possible PPD. Probably a little bit of both. I've noticed since Cameron was born I've been more emotional than is typical for me. I can tell you that I'm missing Ryan more than ever. I see Cameron smile and I miss him. My mind goes through all the questions I'll never have answers to. Would Ryan have made that same face or have the double swirl like AJ and Cam? Would he look so contently at me and babble like Cam does?

Sometimes it's not the questions that get me. It's the thought that if Ryan were living I'm not sure we would have had Cameron. I look at him smile at me and I can't imagine life without him, just as I can't imagine life with Ryan here. I wonder but I'll never really know.

Today we were at the mall and Nick noticed my former OB. He pointed out "the guy in blue" whose back was towards us. Didn't matter. I knew immediately who it was. My reaction surprised me. My heart started to race. I felt like I didn't know if I wanted to run toward him and scream or run the other way in fear. It annoys me that he still causes that type of reaction more than two and a half years later. I guess my therapist was right when she said it was PTSD.  Fucking douche. I can still hear him telling me "we need to wean you from worrying". I can't describe the anger it causes. Enough about that ass. He doesn't deserve the 3 lines I've spent on him.

Today I had a meeting with a couple of people for F2F. Whenever we meet out in public we try to find a quiet corner to sit for two reasons. 1) so we can all feel comfortable and not cry in the middle of a packed restaurant (although if that's the only option we make it work!) and 2) so the poor unsuspecting patrons who are just out to have a quick bite to eat don't have to hear our conversation, because let's face it -- who wants to hear about infant death over their chicken noodle soup? So when I got to the restaurant I thought I picked a good spot. It was away from the massive table in the middle of the main dining area. There were only a few other tables and booths in the section we were in. There was a pair of ladies in one of the booths. They ate and were getting ready to leave. As one of them walked passed our table she stopped. "I'm so sorry for interrupting but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation" Oh boy, here we go. "Are you a part of a support group? My good friend had a full term stillbirth 4 years ago and still struggles sometimes." Not what I was expecting her to say. We gave her a card to pass along to her friend. She told us how sorry she was for all of our losses, thanked us and apologized again for interrupting. I really believe that was the boys at work. Of all the people we could have sat near in the crowded restaurant?

Cameron is getting big so fast! He's a chatty little guy. He's making all kinds of sounds and has the best smile. He really makes you work to get a laugh out of him but it's so worth it.

How's that for some catching up?  :)

Cameron Matthew

This post is long overdue! Life got a little busy on November 27, 2013!

Cameron Matthew was born at 8:12am. The day was exactly what I hoped it would be. I was so thankful to finally have the birth that I had dreamed of.

The morning of the C-section we had a snow storm. No shock there! Nick was smart and hired a guy to plow our driveway this year and let me tell you how much of a help it was as we left at 5am. We got to the hospital around 5:30 and headed in. We checked in (our file was the one covered in post-its -- "don't put in triage" among others).

We were put in the room that we had been in the week before on our trip to triage. My bp was high and they had me go in to get checked out. Thankfully all was well.

We had the nicest nurse who helped us get changed, got my iv started and tried (in vain) to get a good strip on Cameron from the monitor. He was such a mover and a shaker she pretty much had to sit on my bed and hold the belt on me and move it with him. Ha!

Not long after we were settled our nurse Dawn came in. She's been so wonderful to us since Ryan was born. She took such great care of us that night and has continued to do so ever since. Once I had my C-section date the first thing I did was send Dawn a message. She usually works nights but I was really hoping she'd be able to be there when Cameron was born. She switched her schedule around to be there with us. She even brought a gift for Cameron!

Dr. F came in a few minutes later. She was just as excited as we were! She's been there for us the whole two and a half years since Ryan was born. We wouldn't have gotten through it without her. She went over how everything would go and before we knew it we were walking to the OR.

Dr. F held my hands as I got my spinal. After that everything went so fast. They laid me on the table and got everything else prepped. Dawn was right by my side as Nick was brought into the room. Dr. F talked to us throughout.

At 8:12am Cameron was born yelling! It was the most beautiful sound. We all waited 39 weeks to hear that. Dr. F stuck him over the curtain for a quick second so I could see him.

I'm pretty sure everyone in the OR knew our story and they were all so kind. The nurse who was taking care of Cameron brought him over to me so I could see him and give him a kiss. I will never forget that. It was after that moment that the tears started. The relief that Cameron was here, the sadness that we never got to have this with Ryan.

The C-section went very well. No issues with scar tissue from the previous surgeries. Finally I was able to hold Cameron as I was wheeled into recovery. I was able to put him skin to skin once we were in there. It was amazing. I didn't have that with AJ or Ryan so this was so special.

Cameron is the spitting image of AJ. From the moment he was born you could see it. He loves to cuddle with his mama and sleeps like a champ on his daddy's chest. His biggest brother is so in love with him and can't wait for him to be able to play. He gets more kisses throughout the day than I can count.

We are so, so lucky to have him in our family.

Day after tomorrow

The day after tomorrow will be Cameron's birthday, unless he has other plans. But, I've already told him he missed the boat to come early. Dr. F isn't working at the hospital till Wednesday when she's there to deliver him so he just needs to wait it out.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of being pregnant. The kicks and the squirms. I'm also so ready to have him here. (and getting his little butt out from where my gall bladder used to be). His room is 98% done. Our hospital bag is packed. There is baby gear all over the house and we even put up the Christmas tree yesterday.

Speaking of Christmas...we stopped at the mall yesterday. I forgot that Santa was there already (and had been for the last 3 weeks?!) AJ was excited to go say hi. What a change from past years. So we got in line and he waited patiently. Finally it was his turn. He went right over and hopped on his lap. He told Santa what he wants for Christmas. Santa asked if we were taking a picture today. We told him we'd be back in a few weeks after little brother Cameron was here. Santa asked when I was due. When we answered Wednesday he replied "An early Christmas present for you!" You have no idea Santa...

Tomorrow will be a day of last minute things to get done. It'll also be one last trip to see Ryan for a little bit. I think that's probably what's making me so anxious. Winter is hard as it is but to add in the craziness that comes with a new baby it's going to be tough. And I know people say "you can talk to Ryan anywhere". I'm not looking for comments to make me feel better. The cemetery is my place to go to feel close to him. I talk and make sure everything is as it should be. It's the one place I feel like I can physically take care of him.

Missing you tons, sweet boy. Thanks for all of the signs lately. They've helped more than you will ever know.

Love you. Forever and a day.

A season full of rainbows

When I first started looking for people to connect with after Ryan was born I turned to the internet. After being painfully unsuccessful trying to find someone to talk to in person it was the next best option. Thank God for the on-line groups I found. I so badly needed and wanted to hear someone say "me too". I needed to know that everything that I was feeling was "normal" and I wasn't losing my mind on top of everything that had already happened.

When you join any kind of new on-line community there's often new terminology to learn. They're either abbreviations to make typing faster and easier or new terms for things that you may not have heard before joining.

This was the case for me when I joined pregnancy loss groups. I kept hearing people referring to "rainbows" or "rainbow babies". I had never heard that term before. Here's the definition from UrbanDictionary.com

 A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. (or infant loss)
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

In the F2F group we're in a season of rainbows. There are 5 or 6 of us who have either had their rainbow baby in the last couple of months or who are pregnant. A little baby boom!

Yesterday a good friend had her rainbow and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. We've gone through our pregnancies together, which has saved my sanity many days. I can't find the words to describe what it's like to see the smiles on the parent's faces. I spent a good bit of yesterday just staring at those pictures. You can see so many emotions in just one photo. It's really amazing. I can't wait to get to meet baby V. After all she could be my future daughter-in-law ;) We've already got plans for Cameron! Ha! Who wouldn't want K&T as in-laws?!

Can't wait to meet the rest of the rainbows and I hope everyone in the group gets to experience it. If anyone deserves it it's these women. <3

Edited to add: And I don't think it's any coincidence that just as I hit "post" the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" came on Pandora. <3

November

November is here. It seemed so very far away in the beginning of the pregnancy. But here we are. We made it. We had a few minor bumps along the way but as of today we are 26 days away from meeting Cameron.

I've been nesting like crazy lately. I was cleaning the other day and AJ asked me who was coming over. Yes I go cleaning crazy when people are coming to visit but I swear I clean in the in between too!

We've been working on Cameron's room. You might think it's easy to decorate and just put up furniture. Some days it is. Other days I feel like it's a jinx - like if I do too much something is going to go wrong. I was hesitant to have Nick put the crib together. It sat idle in the room after Ryan was born. A big reminder of what should have been. Just like the double stroller that we had. That stroller haunted me but I hope that the family who bought it is getting use out of it.

My mom was nice enough to buy us the new double stroller we picked for AJ and Cameron. I still get a little panicked some days when I look at the box in the garage but it's getting better. Every day we get closer to having 2 of the boys in it.

AJ has been a big help getting the room together. He loves helping Nick work with his tools. He immediately runs to his playroom to get his tools and hard hat and goggles. It's pretty stinking cute. He's getting excited to meet his new baby brother. (He asked me the other day how Cameron was going to get out of my belly b/c I don't have a door. Ha!)  Every time we see a baby in a store he "oohs and ahhs". When we meet up with his friends for bowling every week he's always sure to go over and play with B's baby brother. He loves nothing more than making him smile.

I can't wait for AJ to get to come in to my hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time. I made him a new "big brother" t-shirt. And I think we're going to give the one he wore to announce my pregnancy with Ryan to Ryan. We'll hang it on his flagpole. He deserves to "wear" the shirt just as much as AJ does. I still wish we would have had just once picture of AJ and Ryan together. I know he was so young but it's a family picture we won't ever get to have.

It's going to be one emotional day to say the least -- and I can't wait.

In a funk

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. I thought I was handling the stress pretty well. These last few days I realize I haven't been.

There are big changes with the company that Nick works for. And with those changes come a lot of questions and even fewer answers.

I find myself getting more and more anxious the closer we get to having Cameron here. We're so close (31 weeks today!) but the last week or so I've lost my balance. Lost the balance of preparing for Cameron, being here for AJ and giving Ryan the time he deserves. It seems the lump in my throat has plans to stay around for a while. The tears are so close to the surface and they're just waiting for the smallest trigger to set them free.

We were at story time at the library earlier in the week. There are two little girls whose mom was pregnant. They were there with their grandparents. We figured she had the baby but I'm always a little afraid to ask. Turns out she did. She had a little boy. "Tell them his name" says grandma to one of the little girls. "Matthew Ryan" she says. I honestly don't remember the rest of the conversation b/c I zoned out willing myself not to cry in front of these people. I made it out of the room before the tears came.

I'm missing Ryan so, so badly lately. I think part of it is the time of year. Even without focusing on dates on the calendar the end of Sept always makes me emotional. Ryan's "should have been" due date. It's not a date I really focus on but there are babies that were born in the days right around it and seeing the birthday posts is so bittersweet. This year I hadn't realized until after that that is probably a contributing factor to the funk.

We talk a lot in group about being angry. That seems to be my default. I always end up back at angry. Angry that I'm missing a son. Angry that I can't completely enjoy the pregnancy with Cameron b/c there's always that nagging fear in the back of my head that something will go wrong. Angry that while I'm dealing with these feelings that I don't have the patience I should have with AJ. Angry that I feel like I'm trying my best to be a good mom to all of my boys and I'm failing. Failing because I feel overwhelmed and I can't keep my brain from racing -- and even worse, I don't know how to fix it. Usually a good cry will do it. Been there, done that. Temporary fix.

So what do I do? Get up every morning and hope that each day the funk lifts a little. And try to remember that I need to be gentle with myself. Being a mom to 3 boys in all different places isn't easy and I'm doing the best I can -- and that has to be good enough.

Remembering

Like so many people I can remember where I was this day 12 years ago. I was sitting in a basement classroom in college waiting for class to start. I had finished my first class and this was the second. A woman in the class was just arriving on campus. She sat down next to me and said that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. At that point the reports were that it was a small airplane, not a commercial jetliner. My first thought was "how the hell do you crash into a building?"

I didn't think much more about it during class. When class was done and we all made our way upstairs we could see people in the lounge gathered around a tv. Something about the expressions on their faces and how silent everyone was made me go in the room.

"What's going on?" I asked another student in the room. She said two planes had hit the World Trade Center. Two?! And I could tell from the damage this was no small plane as originally reported. I stood staring at the tv screen confused. Where were they shooting this video from? The angle is so strange. I can't see the other tower. I didn't realize it had already fallen until a few seconds later when the second tower collapsed as well. I can remember a girl in the lounge crying that her dad worked there and she didn't know where he was. Her words snapped me back to reality. My dad worked there too. He was there for the '93 bombing too. All of a sudden I felt the panic. I had to get home. When the '93 attacks happened my dad left a message on our answering machine that he was ok and getting out of there. I was hoping for the same this time.

I don't really remember the drive home. There weren't many cars on the road but the one thing I did notice was there were no planes in the sky. Living only 25 minutes from Kennedy airport you hear and see a lot of planes throughout the day. There was nothing but blue skies that day.

I got home and there was no message. I tried to call my stepmom. The circuits were so busy from so many people trying to make calls I couldn't get the call to go through. I kept trying. I finally got through. She didn't know where he was. That was the first time I ever heard her cry.

Hours passed and we all sat glued to the tv watching the replay of what happened that morning. I was scheduled to go into work that afternoon. Thankfully we finally heard from my dad. He had to walk over one of the bridges to get out of Manhattan. He was safe.

I wish I could say that everyone had the same fortune. I still think about that girl in the lounge at school. I wonder if she was as lucky as we were.

As the days passed we learned of more and more people who went to work and didn't get to come home. Two firefighters who lived just blocks away from us never came home. More civilians from our town never came home.

Today I remember and am thankful but I wish everyone could have had the outcome we did.

Viability

In the OB world 23 weeks is the point of viability. Where, if your child is born, they will take measures to help your child survive.

Today we are 23 weeks and 2 days. In a way I feel like there's been a bit of a weight lifted. I can't even begin to explain the feeling of helplessness when there is nothing that can be done to save your child. To know what the end result will be and you just have to let it happen. That's not in any mother's DNA.

We have no reason to believe that Cameron will be born short of full term but I feel some relief knowing that if, God forbid, he is born early he's got a chance.

There's another mom who I bet knows this helplessness. Her baby girl was diagnosed with a terrible disease last year and today she lost her battle. I don't know them personally but have followed their blog since it started. So in your prayers tonight please be sure to include Quinn, her mom, dad and two big brothers.

21+5

Today I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same as I was when we had Ryan. If you want to be technical about it I'm already further along with Cameron than I made it with Ryan. I only got to the "5 days" because it was five minutes after midnight when Ryan was born.

This has been a milestone that has been on my radar since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know why it holds so much weight but it does. I have no reason to believe that there will be any issues during this pregnancy. My doc is watching me closely and everything looks perfect. Today is one of those dates on the calendar that I want to come and go. It brings up so many memories. I've been having flashbacks lately. I'm immediately brought back to the hospital room, to the funeral home, trying to say goodbye to a son after we barely had a chance to say hello.

After Ryan was born I had to find a balance of being a grieving mom. I had to learn how to take care of AJ and grieve Ryan. That is not an easy balance at all but eventually I learned some "tricks" to make it a little easier on myself. Some days it's still very hard but we manage. With this pregnancy I'm trying to find yet another balance. How do I take care of AJ, who is very invested in this pregnancy, continue to honor and miss Ryan and be excited for Cameron's arrival? Some days I can't do it all and the guilt of feeling like I can't give my three boys the attention they all need and deserve is overwhelming.

Thank God for our F2F group. I've got some of the best resources! Moms who have been there or are going through the same thing I am. I don't know where I'd be without their support, their specific "I've been there" kind of support.

The Proud Mama

I am one proud Mama. AJ is (finally!) potty trained. He was totally capable of doing it on his own for quite a while now but he really needed that push to finally get him to do it and stick with it. Nick and I told him no more diapers and that was it. He had two accidents in the first two days and has been (knock on wood) accident free since then.

I can't believe he's going to be starting preschool in September. That's just crazy to me. Yesterday was his half birthday. We officially have a 3.5 year old. A can-be-super-spunky-when-he-wants-to-be 3.5 year old. We never really went through the terrible twos but oh, the three's. They have their moments! Thankfully he always goes back to his loving self. The one who likes to give me raspberries and sing along to the radio and the one who loves to find coins on the ground where ever we go.

And Ryan I know that's you. Or grandma. Or maybe both. I've been a little sad since we moved to the new house. We see tons of "wildlife" --  deer, snakes, turtles and birds but I've yet to see a bunny. I thought for sure with all the green space in our backyard and beyond that there has to be some bunnies. If there are I haven't seen any. But you always find a way to let us know you're around. AJ has found more coins on the ground in the month that we've moved than he has in the last year. And to see his face and how excited he is when he does, it's really something special. I think he's happier finding the pennies than he would be if he found $10. He always immediately shows us and puts it away in his pocket so he can "feed his piggy" when we get back home. And maybe that's they way it should be. Maybe AJ should be getting the "signs" now. Maybe it's his turn to get to know you better -- although when he was little I swore he knew you better than we did. I'm proud of you, sweet boy, proud of you for reaching out to your big brother. But just so you know...I'm not going to stop looking for those bunnies.

Another proud Mama moment isn't just mine. In our F2F group we are all proud Mama's and this last meeting I think gave us all a little boost. We had a few new people attend. We always hate that there are new people who are looking to join the group. It still cuts to the core that another family has experienced a loss but we're always thankful that they've reached out and they can come to get support. All of our Mama's have come such a long way. I can remember many of their first meetings and to now see them offering support to new attendees is something special. One of the new couple's told us that they received a flash drive with 90 pictures on it of their baby girl from the hospital. I think that all made us smile. It was one of the flash drives that F2F donated. Pretty amazing what something so small can do, isn't it?



I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.