Small Victories

Me and Hayden's mom met with someone at the cemetery today. They needed to know what was going on. They needed to know that it was a lot more than just a simple garden decoration that was taken.

I'm happy to say they were a lot more receptive than I expected them to be. They're going to make sure security checks the section at night, actually getting out of the car not just driving by. They're also going to plant a bush with lots of thorns and stickers where people get in and use as a cut through.

I'm happy and hope it makes a difference.

I've been having some pain on the right side. I didn't know what it was so I went and got it checked. Guess who has gall stones? Add that to the list of organs I don't really need that has caused me issues. Surgery is scheduled for 7/31. I'll be glad to see it go. I'm hoping it'll leave me with a clear head when we're ready to try for another baby.

We moved AJ to a "big boy bed". He was so excited. It took him a little while to fall asleep but I think he's going to do really well.

We had our first meeting for our F2F group on Wednesday. It went really well and I can't wait till the next one.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Third time's the charm

I went to visit Ryan yesterday and I noticed his ladybug was missing again. I figured it was another child who was playing with it and I would find it in a different part of the section like we did last time.

I looked everywhere. Nothing. Then the anger set in. I called Nick and told him. I sent a text to Hayden & Ethan's moms. Hayden's mom had 3 things go missing a few weeks before. The longer I sat there in my car the harder I cried. I haven't sobbed like that since last year.

Last time the ladybug was stolen (and no I don't know that's what happened for sure but the darn thing was staked into the ground!) I had to go on-line to find another. It was only sold in a 6-pack. I didn't think I'd need to dip into that stash so quickly.

So today we went and brought another ladybug and this time we made sure it wasn't going anywhere. I used rubber cement and tape. It's attached to the flagpole. I put his name on the outside and the underside. So help me if this one goes missing.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the cemetery and I'm going to set up a meeting for later this week. I know there isn't much they can do but it's obvious that there is at least one person hanging out in the bushes of the section -- you can tell by the beer cans and lottery tickets. They need to know that this is a problem and it needs to be addressed.

Hopefully this will take care if it -- it's so hard to go there and see something that means so much to you gone.



I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Feeling you

Dear Ryan,

I know you've been around lately. There have been so many signs the last three days. First I saw a new baby bunny chomping on some grass right outside of your garden. He would fit in the palm of my hand, much like you did. He reminded me of the one I saw when I was pregnant with you. That's why I always associate the bunnies with you.

We were all outside the other afternoon and there was this butterfly flying right around us. Then we came in and watched tv and there was a commercial for a business named "Ryan's".

I don't know if there's something you're trying to tell me or if you're just saying a big hello. I love feeling you close but at the same time it makes me miss you more.

Last night I saw that same baby bunny and my heart just ached. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you one more time or feel a kick one more time.

Some nights when I'm missing really badly you my arm physically hurts with emptiness. The arm that should be holding you. It gets so bad that it keeps me awake.

We think about you and talk about you all the time. Thank you for letting me know you're thinking about us too.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Love,
Mom

Playtime

Me and AJ have made some friends from our local playgroup. We've been having weekly play dates while the playgroup is on break. It's been a lot of fun for the kids and the moms. I know I enjoy the adult interaction and AJ enjoys seeing his buddies. Today we hosted. We spent the day outside. The moms sitting in the shade under the tree and the kids playing in the little pool. I love watching the kids interact with each other. They can be so funny.

I was always so worried that my lack of friend making abilities would hinder AJ while growing up. I guess I just needed to meet the right people. It's amazing how having kids can help things along.

The same goes for Ryan. I've met some great friends because of Ryan. And the list is growing. We met Lucy's mom and dad after the social worker at the hospital emailed me. We all went to breakfast and had a nice time. We've been emailing back and forth too. I wish they didn't become our friends for the reason they did but I'm glad to know them no matter the reason.

Seeing the kids playing in the yard made me think...I wonder if as we connect with people here, does Ryan connect with them up there? Or maybe it's the other way around?

I wonder if Hayden and Ethan welcomed Ryan and brought us moms together. Or did the boys meet after we did? I guess it really doesn't matter how it happens....but I think it does happen.

This afternoon I was cleaning some things in the kitchen and I was watching two bunnies out the window in the yard. They were playing around all of the toys strewn across the grass. It looked like they were playing tag. One would run towards the other and the second one would jump straight up in the air to get away. It was comical. I wondered if that's what AJ and Ryan would have been like playing together. Would Ryan be chasing after his big brother? Maybe the other way around? AJ loves the little ones...I have a feeling he would have been all over his little bro. I try really hard not to do the "what-ifs or should-have-been" but sometimes it's just so hard. I wish I had the chance to see them together.

I miss you so, so much sweet boy. I love you. Forever and a day.

Ryan's Walk!!

Click here to view these pictures larger

Here are some pictures from the March of Babies Walk. The slideshow is the only way I could get them to post.

Enjoy!

Fifty Shades of Gray...

...hair. These damn little buggers keep popping up and I don't like it! I got a couple after I had AJ but it was seriously a couple. Two and that was it.

Granted I've been through a lot over the last year but don't I have enough physical reminders? How about that oh-so-lovely 8" scar down my belly? Or the scars from all the IV pokes and blood draws? Do I really need gray hair too? And why is it that it's always those hairs that are extra kinky and don't stay where I put them? They're always the ones sticking straight up and out.

Why don't I pull them you ask? Isn't there a saying if you pull out a gray hair you get three more? I definitely don't need any more!

I have to tell you what a comedian AJ is. The stuff that he comes out with lately, I can't even believe. He hears something once and he remembers it. Then he uses it in the correct context. I find myself asking "where did you learn that?" quite a bit. We haven't had any 4 letter words yet (thank goodness!). We've been really trying to be careful!

One of my favorite things he says lately -- one of his bedtime stories is Moo, Baa, La La La. It goes through the animals sounds. When we get to the horse and I ask him what it says he says "giddy up cowboy". I like it. "Neigh" is over-rated!

And oh how he's been testing us lately. He's been showing his "2-ness". Time outs have become part of our day. Not too often but they're there. I can't complain though he's really good most of the time. He's been playing with other kids a lot more too. I love seeing him talk to other kids. The older girls always seem to like him.

I went to JoAnn Fabric today because they had some good sales on the fleece for the blankets I've been making. I always check the remnant bin when I'm there and I scored big-time! I got a whole bag full of fabric for only $15. I'm going to get so many blankets out of that! Love it!




I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.

Ryan's Birthday

We had such a beautiful weekend celebrating Ryan's birthday and the March for Babies Walk. I'm grateful that they fall on the same weekend. It really allows us to celebrate an entire weekend.

We all had a wonderful time at the walk. I'll update more on that when I get some pictures uploaded.

On Ryan's actual birthday (5/21) me, Nick and AJ spent the day together. In the morning we went to say thank you to a couple of people that have helped us this last year. One we haven't seen since last May and one is a new friend.

After that we stopped at the store and picked out some balloons to bring to Ryan along with the birthday flag and teddy bear I had picked up a few months ago. We also brought the lantern that Hayden's mom had given us. On the way out of the store Nick was holding the balloons. A butterfly flew and tried to land on the yellow one. Nick moved (he's not a fan on of anything landing on him!) and it tried again. It fluttered around for a few more seconds and went on its way. I smiled. I knew it was him. I knew he was there and I knew he liked the balloons.



The best big brother

The lantern was great. We lit it and it floated like a hot air balloon. After we were sure it had floated high enough and wasn't going to burn Rochester down (!) we watched it soar.

starting to float

there it goes!

glad it kept going and didn't burn anything down!

Happy Birthday Ryan!

an "I'm 1" balloon and of course we had to get a Toy Story balloon!

Later in the afternoon we took AJ to Build A Bear. He had never been. We wanted to take him somewhere special where we would come out with something he could have to remember the day. We looked over the options. They had bears, puppies, monkeys and more. AJ decided that he wanted to make "a froggie". They had the Muppets that you could make. He chose Kermit.

Picking the perfect heart for Froggie

getting a high-five from Daddy after stuffing Froggie

Time for a bath!

All done!

We had a really nice day. It was definitely more happy than sad. I will miss Ryan for the rest of my life, but on this day I got to think about all of the wonderful things that have happened because of him.

I love you sweet boy. Forever and a day.